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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 8, 2007 11:41:11 GMT
Who said FM07 was hard? Some twat, I'm sure.
Nice work though Horn. You're making us all look bad.
KUTGMUALBW! :thumb:
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Post by hornet on Aug 9, 2007 0:15:55 GMT
Another month, another attempt to bring in some loanees. Five offers sent, four rejected, one accepted – Opening Hound, a useful-looking if somewhat lightweight MC from Airdrie who’ll rotate with USS Tiny Penis and My One Dad. Due to cups that aren’t the Challenge Cup being for girls, we have but three games in October. SL2, H vs. CowdenbeathCowdenbeath seem to arrive with the gameplan of not getting beaten too badly. They succeed. It’s dour. It’s miserable. It’s another three points. Raith 1-0 Cowdenbeath ( Peckham Puffin 18) And then, it’s the big one. Morton are really going to want a win here, given that they lost their first game the previous week away to strugglers Peterhead and are now four points adrift. SL2, H vs. Greenock MortonWe come in as slight underdogs, and give Morton some respect by electing to play the defensive counter that worked so swimmingly against Ross County. We have to weather some early pressure, but In The Fat Field is in defiant mood between the sticks and keeps us on terms with a couple of nifty saves. Then, in first-half injury time, the sucker punch. Dead Plasterer’s Society breaks up an attack, centreback Cool And Froody gets onto the loose ball and leathers it forward in that time-honoured Joe Kinnearian fashion. Ask Doctor Stupid, who’s been absolutely great this last month or so since he finally got match-fit, scampers up the wing and whips in a low cross that Peckham Puffin (for it is he) meets on the half-volley, slamming the ball into the roof of the net. It’s “don’t let the performance drop” with a “pleased” for the good Doctor, and out we pop for the second half. Five minutes later, and a “fired up” Morton defender crashes into Doctor Stupid, who goes down holding his knee. Off he comes, new lad Opening Hound takes My One Dad’s MC spot with Dad shifting out to the right wing. To be honest, Morton look more interested in kicking us than getting back into the game. Scott McLaughlin gets first use of the soap on the hour for swinging his boot at Opening Hound, and three more yellow cards follow as their team goes into a collective sulk. We happily shut up shop and see time out for as comfortable a one-goal win as you’ll ever see. Woo! Raith 1-0 Morton ( Peckham Puffin 45) MoM – Peckham PuffinEverybody, ever is delighted with the win. We’re now seven points clear at the top of the table. The only downside – strained knee ligaments for Ask Doctor Stupid, putting him out for at least a month. Bugger. SL2, H vs. Ayr UnitedWith the Doctor out, our midfield will start the way it ended the last game – with My One Dad moving from his usual MC spot to MR, and loanee Opening Hound alongside USS Tiny Penis in the middle. I also rest In The Fat Field, playing Never A Frown between the posts to a) keep his fitness up and b) stop him whinging. To be honest, I could have played a garden gnome in goal for all the work he had to do. The main difference between our goalkeeper and the spectators in this game was that Never A Frown wasn’t allowed to shout abuse at the ref. Ayr manage 2 shots. Neither on target. We net 2 goals from Dandy Highwayman set-piece deliveries and the main challenge is stopping our back 4 actually falling asleep before the full-time whistle. Raith 2-0 Ayr ( Cool And Froody 42; Time Tuba 67) MoM – Dandy HighwaymanIt’s our tenth unbeaten league game. Morton can only draw with Cowdenbeath, so our lead is now 9 points with the season one third done. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m Manager Of The Month for the second time, Dandy Highwayman is second in Player Of The Month voting. The board and fans are taking a slow train to Chuffedville. And I’m thoroughly, thoroughly ashamed that my first thought on reading this news item was “I wonder if that’s Moo’s nickname?”
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Post by Sonic on Aug 9, 2007 1:31:43 GMT
:cab:
Nice month and lead. I do think Stu is right too.
:thumb:
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Post by Boony on Aug 9, 2007 7:20:59 GMT
Very efficient, Horn. 4 goals scored, 0 goals conceded, 9 points. Thank you very much. "Winning only zero"
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Post by coffers on Aug 9, 2007 7:52:24 GMT
What ^^ they said.
KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by Moo on Aug 9, 2007 8:52:04 GMT
Bostord. Nice bit of winnage there though, Hornet. Liking that a lot. :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 9, 2007 11:09:53 GMT
You know that "Winning only Zero" has to be Moo's new forum title.
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Post by hornet on Aug 9, 2007 11:33:26 GMT
My favourite bit of that message is that it describes four draws and 11 losses as "mixed results".
I mean, to me a lot of those results look the same.
Classic British understatement, though. By the same token, the Titanic "wasn't a complete success", the battle of the Somme was "a nasty scuffle" and Vernon Kaye is "a bit tiresome".
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Post by Moo on Aug 9, 2007 11:37:21 GMT
s1ut - that's unfair. I have won the odd pre-season game.
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Post by Sonic on Aug 10, 2007 4:17:00 GMT
True, and you haven't received one of those messages either. I'll exalt you for that :checkit:
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Post by hornet on Aug 10, 2007 13:56:28 GMT
A bit more cover at DC arrives in the shape of Scooby Chipshop, a bouncy, heady 19-year old from Airdrie. SL2, A vs. Stirling AlbionThe warm glow of a comfortable win over lower mid-table Stirling is somewhat reduced by constant fixture ML Dandy Highwayman stubbing his toe, which’ll keep him out of next week’s cup final, the big Jessie. Still, his replacement , The Dance Settee comes on and immediately gets on the end of a Puffin free-kick to volley home from close range. So, y’know. Stirling 1-3 Raith ( The Dance Settee 48; Peckham Puffin 53; Cramb 85; Fraser 90(og)) MoM – Me Buckin’ ‘AtIn related taking-the-piss news, our other wide-playing loanee, DR Dead Plasterer’s Society, also suffers a stubbed toe, this time in training, and will also miss the final. Ace. Challenge Cup Final, vs. Gretna (SL1)And so, only three months into my tenure, we’re playing for our first silverware, here on the hallowed turf of… er… Beechwood Park in Stoneyburn. No, I don’t know either. For the first time all year, I wheel out the “no pressure” teamtalk because, y’know. There isn’t any. Pre-warned about Gretna’s nippy forwards, we play our defensive counter 4-4-2 with our backline sitting deep. The agricultural style of I’m A Locksmith replaces Dead Plasterer’s Society at right-back. The plan is, as ever, to pack the final third with violent clodhoppers, then hope to spring the Puffin or Pocket Billiards on the counter. So given the first part of the plan, it’s probably a good thing that our only DL, Meat On The Ledge, gets carted off after ten minutes, forcing me to bring on a third centreback to replace him, right? To help him ease into his unaccustomed role, Butt Out Of Hull is given firm instructions not to try doing anything clever – for example running with the ball, passing it or moving from the spot. Recognising that we’re in reasonably serious disarray, Gretna sportingly elect to try and make a game of it by giving us a goal’s head-start. A routine backpass is followed by possibly the worst clearance in the history of goalkeeping as Luke McCormick knocks it straight to Peckham Puffin, who can’t be standing any more than eight yards away. Naturally the Puffin returns it with interest and with 22 minutes gone we’re one ahead. Gretna aren’t sure that’s going to be enough, though, so fifteen minutes later Butt Out Of Hull breaks up an attack and clobbers the ball in the vague direction of “away”. It looks like Gretna’s left centreback will have it covered, but at the last second the Puffin nicks the ball off his toes and pegs it off toward the goal. For a second it looks like he’s carried it too far, but this is Peckham Puffin we’re talking about here, and his strike across the keeper from the corner of the six-yard box tucks safely into the net just inside the far post. Halftime, and it’s fair to say this isn’t how I was expecting this game to go. “You can win this!” is the general tone of the talk – because I’m pretty sure we can. Gretna start the half with a predictable attempt to bring some concerted pressure on our goal, but our makeshift back four is doing an incredible job of holding them to long-shots and half-chances. By the hour mark, they’ve had seven shots with none of them forcing In The Fat Field into action. And then we start to arrive on the fringes of The Twilight Zone. Gretna move up to pressure us at a throwin deep in our half, but USS Tiny Penis brings the ball down safely and knocks it back to Butt Out Of Hull, who hoofs it up the left sideline. Pocket Billiards gets on the end of it, goes past his defender and swings a cross in from the byline where a nice little arrive from My Buckin’ ‘At supplies our third shot, our third on-target and our third goal. It’s four, four and four five minutes later – The Dance Settee with the free kick, DJ Homunculus with the strike through a crowded box that takes a last touch off a Gretna defender before trickling into the bottom corner. And just to complete our voyage to Trip-Out City, The Dance Settee scores from a free-kick in injury time to make it six, five and five. Gretna’s keeper rated a very generous 4. Gretna 0-5 Raith ( Peckham Puffin 23, 37; Me Buckin’ At 67; Graham 72 (og); The Dance Settee 90) MoM – DJ HomunculusWe win a poxy £14,000 which is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I s’pose. The board are pleased, the fans sing my name and say that this is symbolic of the great work I’ve done with the team. Well, yeah, in that I picked the only players it was possible to pick, sent them out in the only formation they can possibly play and watched dumbfounded as they turned into Manchester United circa 1999. That’s symbolic of pretty much everything I’ve done with the team this year. Both the Gretna boss and the manager of Mansfield Town (?) say that they’re in awe of the Deej’s ability. Deej acknowledges the praise and hopes to receive more in the future, the little attention whore. Meat On The Ledge is out for 1-3 weeks with a damaged elbow. Bum. SL2, H vs. StranraerThis has got “Stranraer’s First Win Of The Season” written all over it, hasn’t it? We’ve just come off a big cup win, still have some niggling injuries and are 14 games unbeaten. But no. Instead, it’s “gutty minnows hanging on for a draw by refusing to cross the halfway line all game.” Stranraer have 38% of the possession, and turn that into one shot. Off target. We, meanwhile, are raining attacks in from every angle but can we break through? Can we bollocks. In the fourth minute of stoppage time we’re playing the ball patiently around the midfield trying to find a way through. The Dance Settee switches play from the left to the right, where I’m A Locksmith passes down the channel to where My One Dad has found a bit of space. He knocks in a cross that’s agonisingly just out of the Puffin’s reach but forces Stranraer’s keeper into a hasty parry, which he doesn’t really get enough on and succeeds only in knocking the ball straight to the feet of Pocket Billiards, who isn’t going to miss an unguarded net from five yards out. It’s Billiards’ first goal in ten hours of play. There’s still just enough time left for the Puffin to pick up his second yellow card, the berk. Raith 1-0 Stranraer ( Pocket Billiards 90) MoM – Pocket Billiards
The Puffin accepts his warning and indicates he’ll do his utmost to improve in this area. God love that boy.
Scottish Cup 1st Round, A vs. Montrose (SL3) All in all, there are worse games the Puffin could have been banned for. I might have rested him for this one anyway.
I take the opportunity to play some kids and fringe players, and the result is a tighter game than it should be. We run out to a two-goal lead, but face an edgy last half-hour when Montrose pull one back. Fortunately the recalled Never A Frown is in top form between the posts, and we just about manage to hang on. Montrose 1-2 Raith (Me Buckin’ At 29; Time Tuba 51; Michie 57) MoM – Never A Frown
With a ton of non-leaguers and Division 3 outfits in the draw for the second round, we get… bloody Morton. Great.
SL2, A vs. Forfar Atheltic They’re tough cookies this Forfar outfit, and so it proves again. Dundee United loanee Marco Andreoni, who I tried to get to join us about four times with no success, gets on the end of a left-wing cross to nod the ball home on the half-hour mark.
We don’t have a chance to panic before Cool And Froody breaks up a Forfar attack and the Puffin does what the Puffin does – chasing down a long ball and knocking it past the keeper. Just after the break, Pocket Billiards is chopped down in the process of going round the last man, and Dandy Highwayman converts from the spot. Forfar don’t get another shot in the game and that’s that. Forfar 1-2 Raith (Andreoni 29; Peckham Puffin 38; Dandy Highwayman 51(pen)) MoM – Cool And Froody
In other news. Stranraer finally break their duck, with an injury-time winner at ten-man Cowdenbeeath. They’re now seven points from 9th place, and 13 from escaping the relegation zone.
SL2, H vs. Alloa Athletic We look well in control, two up after ten minutes (the first goal being a mile offside, by the by), but Alloa cling on, make lots of half-chances and finally get one back just before the hour. Ten minutes later a low cross by My One Dad sees Time Tuba make a mess of his shot, only for the Raith defender behind him to go “that’s not how you do it!” and bang the ball into his own net.
Once the game’s pretty much lost, Alloa suddenly kick it up a gear, raining shot after shot down on In The Fat Field’s goal, but it’s too little, too late. Raith 3-1 Alloa (Peckham Puffin 3; Pocket Billiards 8; McCallum 57; McClune 67(og)) MoM – Pocket Billiards
We’re now 18 games unbeaten, including 9 straight victories. This is enough to make me 2nd in the Manager Of The Month compo, behind Jim McInally of “bloody” Morton. The board are now very pleased with me. As well they might be.
December slump ahoy!
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Post by Moo on Aug 10, 2007 14:05:20 GMT
3 weeks out with a damaged elbow bum? It must have stung a bit.
Anyhoo, excellent update Hornetto and a big meaty :thumb: up your elbow for the pot. Obviously the Scottish league is way too easy, or something.
Or I'm just shit. That might be the answer.
KUTOAPW! :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 10, 2007 14:37:13 GMT
What's up with the stubbed toes? Did you move the furniture?
:thumb: up your pot.
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Post by coffers on Aug 10, 2007 14:39:53 GMT
Hey, more wins and a silver pot, full of Tennants Super strength probably. Nice work if you can get it.
Keep it up. :thumb:
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Post by hornet on Aug 11, 2007 0:16:09 GMT
The month gets off to a cracking start with GK In The Fat Field twisting an ankle. He’ll be gone for up to a month. Never A Frown will return to the starting spot, with 18-year-old Lamb Bhuna taking over as ressie. Still, Meat On The Ledge is finally back from injury and slots straight back into the starting lineup.
SL2, A vs. Peterhead Peterhead are on the fringes of relegation, but are absolutely all over us 1st half, but just about cling on and get to the break all square.
I give them the “disappointed” treatment, fiddle with the sliders a bit in a “sod trying to stop you playing your game, let’s make you try to stop us playing ours” sort’ve way. And lo and behold, the second half is a complete reverse of the first, Peterhead barely getting a look-in as we pour forward. Even so, it looks like it’s not going to be enough until the 85th minute, when Dandy Highwayman curls a cross in from the left sideline and, with his first touch of the ball since coming on for the injured Opening Hound, I’m A Locksmith smashes it into the roof of the net at point-blank range. Hoo-ah! Peterhead 0-1 Raith (I’m A Locksmith 85) MoM – Dandy Highwayman
Opening Hound has broken ribs. Ouchy. He’ll be out two weeks to a month. My physio suggests terminating his loan and sending him back to his club, but I can't find the button to do that so he'll stay with us for the time being.
Scottish Cup 2nd Round, H vs. Greenock Morton Ah, my old nemesis. We meet again.
Despite being underdogs, we largely boss the game in the first half but can’t capitalise. And then, naturally, we concede just after the break - Cool And Froody getting dragged a bit out of position, the ball played in behind him and Never A Frown helpless as the shot is crashed home. We nab the equaliser almost before I've had the chance to alter our tactics, though - Dead Plasterer's Society playing a long ball over the top of the defence and Peckham Puffin racing after it to do that hoodoo that he do so well for the 20th time this season.
We're immediately back in the ascendency, but AGAIN can't capitalise, and with just five minutes left we AGAIN surrender a soft goal - Meat On The Ledge doing a Frank Sinclair from a reasonably innocuous-looking cross. Luckily, AGAIN we drag it back almost straight from the kickoff - Dead Plasterer's Society tries to thread a throughball past the defence, it takes a bit of a deflection and skims across the 6-yard box with the Morton keeper rooted to his line. USS Tiny Penis runs it down, holds off a defender, turns and slides it in to earn us a midweek replay. Raith 2-2 Morton (Linn 52; Peckham Puffin 54; Meat On The Ledge 86(og); USS Tiny Penis 89)
Scottish Cup 2nd Round Replay, A vs. Greenock Morton Ah, my old nemesis. We meet again again.
Wow, replays come around quickly in Scotland. The difference between this game and last? When we're up, we take our chances. Morton 1-3 Raith (Peckham Puffin 32, 51; McLean 74; DJ Homunculus 88) MoM - Cool And Froody
It'll be First Divsion side Hamilton Academical in the third round. In other news, right winger Ask Doctor Stupid is back from his knee ligament injury, but will need some games with the ressies to get his mojo back.
SL2, A vs. Cowdenbeath Easily our worst performance all season, and yet we still have the advantage in possession and twice as many shots as Cowdenbeath.
Doesn't help, though. On 62 minutes, midfielder Paul Brown gets what looks suspiciously like his hand on the end of a corner and bundles the ball in at the near post. We huff and we puff but we can't blow the house down, and just like that we've lost our first game in 22.
Grrr. Cowdenbeath 1-0 Raith (Brown 62)
SL2, A vs. Greenock Morton Ah, my old nemesis. We meet again again again.
I'm starting to think this mob are stalking me.
Anyway. We're three down at halftime. Things don't get noticably better after that. Morton 3-0 Raith (Linn 11, McGowan 44, 45)
And just like that our lead's down to 3 points and a PlummetTM is beckoning me into its sweet embrace. At least we haven't got an unbelievably irritating team that we always drop points again visiting next.
SL2, H vs. Brechin City Oh, bum.
Still, at least our top scorer's still fit and firing.
Oh, bum.
30th minute, and Peckham Puffin picks up a knock. He could play on, but there's nothing that'd be guaranteed to turn a bit of a slump into a full-scale Uncontrollable Fucking TailspinTM like having our 20-goal striker crocked. So on trots the Tuba to replace him.
So it's a bit of a relief when the Tuba's first touch is knocking a long ball away from his defender, and his second touch is side-footing it past the keeper, really.
It takes 'till the 88th minute for the second goal that makes the points absolutely assured, but given that Brechin managed only zero shots during the game, it wasn't quite as nerve-wracking as it might have been. Still, phew. Raith 2-0 Brechin (Time Tuba 37; Pocket Billiards 88) MoM - Pocket Billiards
SL2, A vs. Ayr United That's a bit more like it. Normal service has now been resumed. Ayr 0-3 Raith (Peckham Puffin 20; Me Buckin' At 68; Dandy Highwayman 82) MoM - Dandy Highwayman
Well, in some ways it's a relief that the streak's over. Pity about the loss to "Bloody" Morton, though. But at least we managed to avoid the drama becoming a crisis. As a measure of how rocky December has been, for the first time all season I don't place or show in the Manager Of The Month vote, although Dandy Highwayman - fresh off the first 10 performance of any of our players this year - is 3rd in the Young Player poll.
The board are now delighted with my performance as manager. So that's nice.
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Post by Boony on Aug 11, 2007 1:32:49 GMT
:thumb:
I read that post over about 11 hours with a few breaks inbetween. Most other threads, I wouldn't even have bothered, but you, Horn, just make it so readable.
And you're winning.
Who'da thunk of it?
Nice one, keep it up. I really really hope the injuries don't hit too badly in the winter.
What am I saying? It'll be even more funny to read the winter wobbles. Just don't put Mezzanine on - that's bound to fook it up.........
:thumb:
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Post by Boony on Aug 11, 2007 1:34:31 GMT
Oh bugger, took me so long to read this time that he posted inbetween me reading the post and him posting another one.... I'll just go and read the new one....
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Post by Boony on Aug 11, 2007 1:40:02 GMT
[/reading]
Aye, you coped well, so far. Good stuff, ignoring the couple of defeats in the middle there, which you seem to have coped with ok.
How are you finding the game? Enjoying it? Finding the depth ok, good, manageable, enjoyable, or overwhelming?
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Post by hornet on Aug 11, 2007 13:40:04 GMT
Its nice to start the year with a little poaching expedition. Forfar striker Electric Boogaloo signs a £150 pw contract to join us in the summer. He says it’s nice to be coming to such a well-supported club, which compared to Forfar I suppose we are. The transfer window opens, but given that we’ve still got no cash in the kitty at all, it just means fending off bids for our decent players. Oh blimey. Celtic are in for the Puffin. Maybe they’re making an offer that’s too big to refuse, let’s have a look… Um. No, it seems that they’re offering “Give us your best player and we’ll give you a friendly”. Er. Rejected. Scottish Cup 3rd Round, H vs. Hamilton Academical (SL1)So, it’s a visit from a team with the most fun name to say in all of Scotland. Bizarrely, we’ve got a perfect record against teams from Division 1 this year. And we look good value to maintain it when Peckham Puffin opens the scoring with a long-range free kick after 5 minutes. We look even better value after the Puffin’s second and third goals around the hour mark. Hamilton pull one back in stoppage time with a dodgy penalty, but it’s hard to be too bitter about the decision. Raith 3-1 Hamilton ( Peckham Puffin 6, 60, 67; Fleming 90(pen)) MoM – Peckham PuffinThe draw sees us entertaining Peterhead or (oh God no) Brechin in the next round. Fending off offers for Peckham Puffin is pretty much a full-time job now. Celtic, Sheffield United, Preston, Luton, Celtic again and, er... Morton... reject, reject, reject, reject, reject, REJECT. Brechin get through their replay, and wiill be coming to Stark's Park for the third round of the Pot. Fandabidozie. Allan Moore, the Sterling boss, says he hopes we don't go up and wants to put a dent in our promotion hopes. You miserable little greatest-living-Englishman, you. Well, let the best team win, eh Al? And by that, I obviously mean us. SL2, H vs. Stirling AlbionThe first half sees us controlling the game, but Sterling looking dangerous on the break. Right on the stroke of halftime, a clever pass from My One Dad puts the Puffin clean through and in desperation the Sterling left back clatters into him from behind. Straight red for the professional foul, and the last kick off the first half sees the Sterling goalie clawing a Puffin free-kick away from his top corner. The sending-off makes surprisingly little difference to the run of play – we still control the ball, we still have them under the cosh, they still look good counter-attacking. Half an hour goes by with no breakthough, so it’s time for a bold roll of the dice – creative midfielder Opening Hound goes off, USS Tiny Penis drops back to play as an anchorman and Time Tuba comes on to give us three men up top. I’ll make worse substitutions. 5 minutes later, from a free-kick there’s a bit of interplay between DJ Homunculus and Meat On The Ledge that ends with a ball clipped down the left finding The Dance Settee in acres of space. He traps it, and whips his cross in to a completely unmarked Time Tuba who has plenty of time to take a touch and bang it home. Raith 1-0 Stirling ( Time Tuba 82) MoM – Never A FrownIn even better news, Morton can only manage a draw with Forfar, so the gap’s back to 5 points. Allan Moore says best team won, and if he’s going to lose to a manager, he wants it to be one with my class. No, no, man, it’s you, you’re so talented, you’re like my best friend in the whole world. I love you, man. I love you. We lose DJ Homunculus for 2 weeks to a month with twisted ankle. Arse. Dandy Highwayman's out with a bruised heel he picked up in the Stirling game, too. Eskimo Arsekicker, the reserve striker that my AssMan is inexplicably in love with, goes to the press demanding to be played or transferred. I opt for the latter. He goes back to the press with a snivelling apology. Pussy. SL2, A vs. StranraerWe’re just not at the races. Luckily, we’re not at the races against Straraer so that’s good for a point. Stranraer 1-1 Raith (Wright 11; The Dance Settee 21) MoM – The Dance SetteeLuckily, Morton can only draw with Brechin, so the five-point gap remains at the top. SL2, H vs. PeterheadMR Ask Doctor Stupid comes back into the side for his first game in two months. It’ll be a real bonus if he can recreate the great form he had gotten himself into before the knee ligament problem forced him out of the team. It’ll be less good if he’s stretchered off four minutes into the game. Arsemonkeys. The boys do their best to ease the pain with one of those “three-up-at-halftime, sleepwalk-through-the-second-half” performances, though. Raith 3-0 Peterhead ( Meat On The Ledge 7(pen); Peckham Puffin 17; Pocket Billiards 41) MoM – Pocket BilliardsAsk Doctor Stupid has picked a torn hamstring. He’ll be out for 2-3 months. FUCK. Still, we’ve steadied the ship. I pick up another Manager Of The Month gong and the board are delighted with my performance. MC Opening Hound is third in the Young Player vote. 12 league games left. Here we go.
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Post by hornet on Aug 11, 2007 13:45:21 GMT
Thanks, 800. I'm aiming for "readable" at the moment, I'm hoping "properly funny" will ease back in once I've knocked the rust off a bit.. I am enjoying it, yeah, but then again I'm beating everyone in sight. Ask me again in the middle of next season when we're sitting 7th, 5 points away from the drop. I'm still not 100% sure what I'm doing, mind. But I'm getting drawn back to the PC every time I've got a spare half-hour, so make of that what you will.
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Post by hornet on Aug 12, 2007 10:48:06 GMT
In a now-traditional monthly ritual, half-a-dozen loan applications are sent out, two are accepted by their clubs but neither player has any intention of coming to us. Cocks. Cool And Froody is called up for Trinny And Tabasco’s friendly against Honduras. Given how thin we are at the back, I consider not letting him get on the plane, but Froody’s a temperamental sod at the best of times. Besides, he’s massive. I’m not convinced we could stop him going anywhere he really wants to go. Scottish Cup 4th Round, H vs. Brechin City (SL2)So with Froody suspended, and DJ Homunculus still injured, youngster Deadly Sofa starts at DC alongside Butt Out Of Hull. Of course, it doesn’t really matter who you pick at the back if the other lot can’t get out of their own half. Ten minutes gone, and Pocket Billiards nicks a pass, lays it square to the Puffin just outside the centre circle who jinks by one man, accelerates past a second, cuts inside a third and picks out the bottom corner just before the fourth can get across to challenge. He adds his 29th and 30th goals of the season in the second half to record our second perfect 10 performacne of the season and see us comfortably into the next round. Raith 3-0 Brechin ( Peckham Puffin 10; 63; 90) MoM – Peckham Puffin“Bloody” Morton win against Stirling, so the gap at the top is down to 2 points albeit with us having a game in hand. Tight. Very tight. We’ll be at home to the holders Hearts or Kilmarnock in the quarter-final. SL2, H vs. Forfar AthleticWe nick 2 early goals, then sit back and let them try and break us down. They can’t. Finally fit again loanee GK In The Fat Field comes back into the lineup, and plays a blinder. Raith 2-0 Forfar ( Peckham Puffin 24; Tosh 27(og)) MoM – In The Fat FieldThe win stretches our lead back to 5 points. Cool And Froody plays 90 minutes as part of a Trinny defence that concedes 4 goals to Honduras. So hopefully he won’t be invited back. SL2, A vs. Alloa AthleticWe get the early goal, and are pretty unlucky not to add to it in the first half. In the second half they’re definitely the better side, but some terrific defending from our makeshift centreback pairing of Butt Out Of Hull and My One Dad just about keeps our noses in front. Alloa 0-1 Raith ( Peckham Puffin 20) It’ll be Kilmarnock in the quarters of the Scottish Pot as they knock Hearts out 2-1. SL2, H vs. CowdenbeathCool And Froody comes back into the starting 11. Thank God. Cowdenbeath, lest we forget, are the side that ended our long unbeaten run and started the mini-slump that’s now got “Bloody” Morton breathing down our necks. Given that our next two games are the Pot quarter-final and then – oh yeah, “Bloody” Morton again, this is not the time for a wobble. So it’s probably for the best that for the second week in a row we grab a goal on the 20-minute mark. USS Tiny Penis cuts it back from the by-line, My One Dad, newly freed from defensive duty, runs onto the ball at the edge of the box and crashes it home for what’s amazingly his first goal for Raith. The job of hanging onto the lead is made considerably easier when Cowdenbeath lose a player on 56 minutes for nutting Dad, and the game peters out from there – we don’t want to attack and they can’t. The Blue Brazil? The Blue England, more like. Raith 1-0 Cowdenbeath ( My One Dad 20) MoM – My One DadMorton are now unbeaten in 16 games. “ Many fans believe the title favourites are now showing their true mettle as the team is ready to take advantage of mistakes made by teams around and above them.” Up. Your. Arse. Both of us have secured a playoff spot with 9 games to play. Cowdenbeath’s boss Brian Welsh – hey! He’s got two assistant managers! Is that even allowed? - praises My One Dad. Dad shrugs it off, saying he’s only concerned about the opinions of managers who matter to him, like his current boss. To prove a point, I praise him. He’s pleased. Ha HA! DJ Homunculus is finally back in training, but he’s not ready for first-team action yet, more’s the pity. Scottish Cup Quarter-Final, H vs. Kilmarnock (SPL)We’re 7-1 to win this, and in the first half you can see why. We’re taken to school in a way that pretty much nobody has done to us all season. By hook or by crook we keep them out and get to halftime with the scoreline clean. Well, the “no pressure” talk doesn’t seem to have worked. So let’s try “angry”. 57 minutes, and the Puffin gets tugged back while trying to lead a breakaway. He puts the ball down and chooses this moment to hit his best free-kick of the season, a thunderbolt that starts off looking like it’s going straight down the keeper’s throat in the middle of the goal before swerving wickedly to cannon in off the left-hand upright. GOAL! Peckham Puffin! Killie manage just one more shot the rest of the game, while we’re unlucky not to make it game safe well before the end. GET IN! Raith 1-0 Kilmarnock ( Peckham Puffin 57) MoM – Peckham PuffinEveryone’s delighted, as you’d imagine. 6456 is a new record attendance, and the gate receipts of £95,000 will come in very handy, thank you very much. In other news, Arsenal beat Liverpool on penalties to win the League Cup, Rafa Benitez learning nothing from history, and so repeating it by allowing Jamie Carragher to take a kick. Pot semi-final draw time. Rangers, Dunfermline or Celtic? Fingers crossed fro Dunfermline – rival team and all, plus we did them in the pre-season. No such luck. We’ll play the Unwashed at Hampden on the 15th April. SL2, H vs. Greenock MortonAh, my old nemesis. We meet again again again again. This is an absolutely huge game. A win for Morton and they’re two points adrift with us playing five of our last eight games away from home. A win for us, we’ll be eight points clear and the title will be ours to lose. Criminy. Probably a good time to finally get your first-choice centreback pairing back, then. DJ Homunculus comes back in for his first game in over a month and will partner Cool And Froody at DC. I bring My Buckin’ At back in on the right wing to allow me to shift My One Dad to his preferred centre-midfield berth and give us a bit more ballwinning aggression in the middle of the park. Other than that, it’s as you wee. Can you say “massively against the run of play”? Morton do everything but score in the first half, but on 17 minutes Pocket Billiards bursts into the penalty box, is dragged back and the ref points straight to the spot. He bottles the red card, but Meat On The Ledge steps up and dispatches the pen with a minimum of fuss. We cling to the lead by our fingertips, and at half time we bring a slightly crocked Puffin off, go to just one up top, add Opening Hound to the centre of midfield and drop USS Tiny Penis into anchorman position. This has the desired effect of immediately stemming the flow of shots heading in toward our goal. It also stops us generating chances, but I’m less worried about that. Anyway – chances? We don’t need no steeenking chances! Morton take a throw-in in their own final third, Dandy Highwayman nips in front of his man and swings a boot at the ball in the vague intention of trying a first-time near-post cross from 40 yards out. Instead, he manages to get the ball just inside the near post from 40 yards out. Still, one fluky goal deserves another. 80 minutes gone, Morton’s left wing Laurie Ellis attempts a far-post cross and it ends up – yep, you’ve guessed it – just inside the far post. Still, too little too late. Surely? No. 86th minute, big hoof upfield, cross from the right, Paul McGowan with the finish. Raith 2-2 Morton ( Meat On The Ledge 17(pen); Dandy Highwayman 67; Ellis 81; McGowan 86) Bum. Still, the draw’s better for us than them. And if at the start of the season you’d offered me 5 points clear at the top of the table with 8 to play, I’d have bitten your bloody hand off. Michael O’Neill of Brechin wins Manager Of The Month, I’m second with Jim McShithead from Morton third. The board and fans are still delighted, bless them.
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Post by hornet on Aug 12, 2007 13:42:48 GMT
We’re getting to the sharp end, now. SL2, A vs. Brechin CityThe Puffin’s tired, so he’s rested in favour of supersub Time Tuba. We open the scoring in the 11th minute, Pocket Billiards playing a lovely give-and-go with Dandy Highwayman before supplying a composed finish. He adds his second five minutes later, a floated far-post cross met with a powerful header that the keeper can only help into the net. We switch to counterattacking at half-time, and are immediately rewarded by Time Tuba thumping home a near-post header to make the last 40 minutes a bit of a cruise. Brechin 0-3 Raith ( Pocket Billiards 11, 20; Time Tuba 51) MoM – Pocket BilliardsRightback Dead Plasterer’s Society picks up a yellow, for his 16th disciplinary point of the season and a one-match ban. I big-up Billiards, which makes him feel all warm and fuzzy. With 4 games still to play, our u19s win their league. Hurrah! Peterhead’s boss gets the vote of confidence following a drubbing at Ayr that leaves them only 4 points from the drop-zone. SL2, H vs. Ayr UnitedAyr are currently in the second and final relegation position, level on points with Stranraer and, as mentioned, 4 points behind Peterhead above them. Never a fun sort of team to play at this time of year. Any nerves get settled a bit as we end our opening period of heavy pressure with My One Dad trying to float in a cross from the byline and spawnily finding the far corner instead. Dandy Highwayman puts us in the comfort zone just after the break, picking the ball up on the edge of the box on the left hand side then wandering unchallenged across the face of goal before a swivel-and-shot that the keeper’s helpless to do anything about. The third comes late – a corner leads to a bit of a scramble ended by Cool And Froody firing home through a crowd of players. Raith 3-0 Ayr ( My One Dad 15; Dandy Highwayman 47; Cool And Froody 78) MoM – USS Tiny PenisOh, tossmonkeys. The Puffin wants away. I knew that “Ambitious” in his personality description would come back to bite us eventually. He wants to win major trophies and feels a move to a bigger club is the only way. I go the “I want the club to match your ambitions” route. He responds “surprisingly well”, backs down and calls a press conference to say he wants to help me try and build the club into one that can help him win medals. Phew. SL2, A vs. Stirling AlbionOne of those “all done by halftime” jobs. The Puffin puts his money where his mouth is, scoring two and setting up a third in as he and Pocket Billiards run wild. Stirling 0-4 Raith ( Peckham Puffin 10, 38; Pocket Billiards 15; The Dance Settee 62) MoM – Me Buckin’ At. Morton nick a winner in stoppage time against Forfar to keep the gap at 5 points, but there are now only 5 games left so the longer we can keep matching their results the better it is for us. Dundee United win the Scottish League Cup on penalties against Hibs. Cool And Froody’s called up by Trinny again. Sigh. SL2, H vs. StraraerWe’re absolutely cruising now, and Stranraer just have no answers. Fifteen minutes gone, The Puffin gets the ball out wide, lays it back to the edge of the area and USS Tiny Penis arrives with a Gerrard-esque rocket to open our account. On the half-hour, My One Dad doubles the lead from a Dandy Highwayman free-kick delivery. The Puffin adds a third just after the break, and Pocket Billiards makes it a rout before the hour with a goal which, to be honest, looked about five yards offside. We’ll take it. Raith 3-0 Stranraer ( USS Tiny Penis 15; My One Dad 31; Peckham Puffin 48; Pocket Billiards 59) MoM – Peckham PuffinIt’s not all good news. Midfield talisman My One Dad twists an ankle and will miss 2 weeks to a month, probably including the Pot semi against Celtic. COCK! The board offer me a new contract – 2 years at £80 a month part-time, a £25,000 transfer kitty and £4200 weekly wage budget, up from £2700. I’ll take it. They’re delighted. As they should be. I immediately offer full-time papers to Cool And Froody, Pocket Billiards, Time Tuba, Me Buckin’ At, USS Tiny Penis and My One Dad, which if they all accept will make almost my entire first team full-timers. I also chuck a cheeky £5K bid to Dunfermline for £12K-rated narky yellow-card magnet DR Dead Plasterer’s Society, and a £1K offer to Hibs for GK In The Fat Field. Naturally, given a month when we’ve won all four league games, scored 14 goals and conceded none, I’m second in the Manager of the Month poll, behind Shitbreeches McWhatsisname from “Bloody” Morton. Me Buckin’ At is runner-up in Player Of The Month, Dandy Highwayman is third in the Young Player. Still, there’s only one set of rankings that really matter. And we’re doing OK in those.
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Post by Sonic on Aug 13, 2007 7:20:41 GMT
You got that right, what with the only doing 'ok' there :cab:
And this is your first attempt you say...I wouldn't be using the ok word, just ask Moo.
Hold tight to your breeches, the ending of this seasons going to be a ball tearer!
Have one of these :thumb:
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Post by coffers on Aug 13, 2007 8:07:15 GMT
A cracking recovery from the wobble, all those non-losses and a a Tin pot Semi Final too.
The unwashed have it coming.
KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by Moo on Aug 13, 2007 8:52:33 GMT
I'd love to make a witty comment here, but I used my mothly quota up last weekend when I called s1ut a fooker.
Superb bit of mangerisation though, Mr H, very superb indeed.
KUTGW! :thumb:
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