So, the off-season finally and the free agency period comes around and it's time for this Eagle to fly to a new nest. I wait eagerly by my phone, with my fancy NOrlins agent and tap out a nervous tune on my superstar expensive Bowernsplurgerr table from IKEA.
Finally, it rings....
"Hi Ryan, it's Mike Nolan here."
"No."
"Yes, Nolan."
"No, not Nolan. Just no."
"But you haven't heard my offer yet."
"Ok, what's your offer?"
"Well it's..."
"No."
"Forty-three million dollars."
"
Tell me more."
"$43.23m over five years, with a $12.10m signing bonus."
"I'll get back to you."
"So it's not 'no' anymore then..."
"No one likes a wiseass, Mike."
The deal as put forward had a lot going for it. About twelve million dollars of a lot. All that money would be up front and guaranteed and then I'd be on roughly $8m a year.
Maybe I was a bit hasty.
When the phone rang again, I snatched it off the cradle. "Mike?"
"What?"
"Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else. Who is this?"
"It's Denny Green."
"Dennis, my old friend! I thought you got fired."
"Hi, well... what?"
"Fired."
"No, I don't think so."
"Oh, my mistake. Sorry. Carry on."
"Well, we wanted to offer yo..."
"How much?"
"Forty-three million dollars."
"That's a very popular number, Dennis. I'll get back to you."
So, the deals so far, were :
San Francisco : 5 years. $43.23m + $12.10m bonus.
Arizona : 5 years. $43.27m + $12.70m bonus.
I'm not a big fan of wearing the bird, but I did say I wouldn't play for the Niners and being a Cardinal would give me the chance to punch some Niners in the mouth, twice a year, for five years. And the Cards do have Leinart, Fitzgerald, Boldin and The Edge...
Ring ring!
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's Dallas Coach here."
"Bill!"
"Who?"
"Bill. Bill Parcells?"
"Actually no. For reasons of image rights, I have to be referred to as Dallas Coach."
"Oh."
"So, we here at the Dallas Cowboys would like to offer you a deal and have you come to Texas."
"How about Tuna?"
"What?"
"Can I call you Tuna?"
"No, for legal reasons, I am
not him."
"How about William Parcels?"
"Do you want to hear our offer?"
"Sorry. Yes. Fire away."
"Ok. Sheesh. Twenty-eight point.."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Something... is... funny?"
"No, no... I'm sorry. Carry on."
"Err, twenty-eight point six-seven million. Over four years."
"And...."
"And a seven point seven-two million dollar signing bonus."
"Well William, it's certainly an offer that stands out from the rest."
"We thought it would be."
"In that it's worth about nine million dollars less than the other offers I have."
"Ah."
"But thanks for taking the time to speak to me. Give T.O. my love."
Click.
Arizona : 5 years. $43.27m + $12.70m bonus. ($8.654m per year, on average.)
San Francisco : 5 years. $43.23m + $12.10m bonus. ($8.646m)
Dallas : 4 years. $28.67m + 7.72m bonus. ($7.1675m
)
Three offers in and, to he honest, I'm starting to wonder what Special Agent Tom Degart is doing to earn 10% of the offers I'm hearing, especially when I'm answering the phone.
"Man Tom, these offers are not bad."
"Sure."
"Answering the phone is thirsty work though."
"Sure."
"So why don't you take your pasty Cajun ass out and buy me some beer. And pretzels. If you're going to get 10% of a $12 million dollar signing bonus, you best do something for it other than sit on my couch, sweating and stroking your goatee beard like some drunken Watford fan."
The phone rings. Jim, or Tim or Tom or whatever his name is sits forward in his chair and I can see the dollar signs in his eyes again.
"Tom."
"Yes?"
"Beer, Tom."
"Right."
"
Now."
Finally he goes.
"Hello."
"Hi, it's Marvin Lewis here."
"Marvin!"
"Hi."
"I'm loving your work man."
"Thanks."
"Seriously. Great job with the Bengals."
"Thanks. We were hoping you'd like to join us."
"Can't do it, Marvin."
"Wha... why? Why not?"
"Two reasons, Marvin."
"Ok."
"Firstly, we beat you this season. Secondly, we beat you twice this season. 42-0 and 42-10. You gave up 84 points to the worst offence the NFL has ever seen. If you're bad enough to lose to the Browns, I want no part of it."
"But..."
"Goodby, Marvin."
I hang up. Within five minutes the fax is chattering, with the figures for the Bengals offer, but, I'm really not interested.
Arizona : 5 years. $43.27m + $12.70m bonus. ($8.654m per year, on average.)
San Francisco : 5 years. $43.23m + $12.10m bonus. ($8.646m)
Dallas : 4 years. $28.67m + 7.72m bonus. ($7.1675m
)
Cincinnati : 5 years. 43.19m + $11.55m bonus. ($8.638m)
The phone rings, I answer... you know the pattern.
"Hey Ryan."
"Hello...."
"It's Nick Saban here."
"You two-faced, lying, back-stabbing, coon-hound-loving, lying, cousin-fucking, lying son of a bitch."
"What?"
"Sorry. Tourrettes syndrome."
"Really?"
"FUCK YOU!"
"Wow."
"Yeah, I got it bad. Cumsponge."
"Ok then."
"Sorry. I'm fine now."
"Right, well, we hhoped that you'd like to come down to Miami and take a look around and see how you like the place here. We'd love to have you onboard next season."
"I guess I better get down their quickly huh?"
"Well, we'd love to see you soon."
"I'm sure you would. How long do I have before you turn your back on what you said just two weeks ago and fuck off back to the NCAA you lying, hoop-sniffing, devious, mealey-mouthed, no-good dirt-bandit?"
"Errr...."
"It's probably best you just give me the numbers and I'll get back to you."
"Ok. Three years. $21.48 million, with an $8.82 million signing bonus."
"Thanks, I'll look this over and get back to you."
"Ok."
"Ball-licker."
Click.
So, we have the following offers, in the order of immediate, first-glance preference.
Arizona : 5 years. $43.27m + $12.70m bonus. ($8.654m per year, on average.)
Miami : 3 years. $21.48m + $8.82m bonus. ($7.16m)
San Francisco : 5 years. $43.23m + $12.10m bonus. ($8.646m)
Dallas : 4 years. $28.67m + 7.72m bonus. ($7.1675m
)
Cincinnati : 5 years. 43.19m + $11.55m bonus. ($8.638m)
The Zona offer is the best money by far and they have a strong offence. Miami's offer gives me the best flexibility, as it's the shortest offer and, although the yearly wage is the worst, the bonus is better than Dallas' and at very nearly $3m for each year of the contract, it's actually the best guaranteed money on offer. I'll also get to play behind Jason Taylor and next to Zach Thomas.
The Niner money is good but, well, it's the Niners and Dallas are under-valuing me. I'd take a one or two year deal with them at that money, for the added options that would bring, but not a four year deal.
The Bengals offer the least of the five year contracts and they were awful against us, which takes some doing.
So... hold on... It's ringing again.
"Hello."
"Hi Ryan."
"Hi."
"We just wanted to talk to you about your contract and your future."
"Your voice sounds familiar. Who are you?"
"It's Phil. Phil Savage."
"Phil Savage."
"Yes."
"
The Phil Savage."
"Yes."
"
The Phil Savage from the Cleveland Browns, Phil Savage."
"Yes."
"Well why the fuck are you phoning me?"
"We want to offer you a contract."
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Did you take a blow to the head recently Phil?"
"No."
"So you do remember our meeting?"
"Yes."
"The meeting where I told you that the stunning mediocrity of our coaching staff and the breathtaking ineptness of our offence meant that if I never saw anyone wearing this ugly shit-coloured uniform ever again it would be a day too soon?"
"Yes, but it's an attractive offer."
"It would need to be."
"Very attractive."
"It better be Beyonce Knowles covered in honey, having a lesbian threesome with Halle Berry and Christina Milian attractive Phil."
"I.. oooh."
"Quite the image, huh?"
"Umm, anyway. $41.56 million dollars and $12.24m signing bonus."
"Disappointing Phil. I'm not seeing Halle Berry."
"Over four years."
"There she is now."
"You'll get back to us?"
"Soon as I'm done with Halle."
Arizona : 5 years. $43.27m + $12.70m bonus. ($8.654m per year, on average.)
Miami : 3 years. $21.48m + $8.82m bonus. ($7.16m)
San Francisco : 5 years. $43.23m + $12.10m bonus. ($8.646m)
Dallas : 4 years. $28.67m + 7.72m bonus. ($7.1675m
)
Cincinnati : 5 years. 43.19m + $11.55m bonus. ($8.638m)
Cleveland : 4 Years. $41.56m + $12.24m bonus. ($10.39m)
Hmm. Where to go... where to go.