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Post by Boony on Mar 22, 2007 23:05:58 GMT
May, the official month of the Bank Holiday, as well as the month of my birth. The start of the summer, too. What a fine month May is.
This year, May also heralded the opening of the Gorillas' Boxing Club gym. During the official month of the Bank Holiday, four boxers showed interest in joining up, and we welcomed them with a clipboard in one hand and a complimentary jumper in the other.
With enthusiasm, vigour, and an wary eye on Keith the DJ, they strutted their stuff up and down the gym (well, slightly to the left, then slightly to the right, avoiding the low-hanging pipes and the torn carpet with dog-eared corners sticking up here and there - what the hell went on in this place before I turned up?), threw a few punches, took a few punches, tripped over the pile of jumpers, and dreamt of championship bouts a million miles away from this hell hole. I knew that I had to lose at least one of them, as the gym is only large enough to cater for three guys at once, but realistically, at this stage of proceedings, I reckoned I could only cope with taking on two potential boxing champions.
The Contenders Humberto Thorsted, a 19 year old Danish heavyweight. Reynaldo Voeks, a 17 year old South African middleweight. Eamonn McAlarney, a 21 year old Irish middleweight. Emil Bacak, a 17 year old Polish middleweight.
Voeks was first through the door, a cocky white South African with a glint in his eye. I didn't like him from the off, and my suspicions were confirmed when he noticed Keith sat in the corner. He visibly recoiled, and started shouting about not wanting to come anywhere near a gym employing a "fucking Kaffir." This pretty much sealed the deal as far as I was concerned, and he was swiftly shown the door, followed by a hunk of banana thrown at alarming speed. Keith has an amazing grasp of language at times, coupled with, at times, a strong moral fibre.
McAlarney and Bacak were next through the door, another two middleweights, and I gave them the once over before handing them their gloves. There was something I noticed in the way the Irishman donned his gear that I wasn't keen on, and again this suspicion was confirmed when I saw him spar in the ring. It was a shame, as I thought he'd really enjoy the locale, so as I guided him out of the gym I pointed him towards The Double Barrel. I found him there later on, after I'd inducted Bacak to the club and then escaped for a quick half before home, getting very friendly with Chloe the barmaid. I overheard her mention that she thought she had some Irish in her, and I think she definitely did by the end of the night.
The next day, heavywieght Thorsted turned up, and I thanked the Gods that I finally had someone who wasn't a fooking middleweight. He was shown the ropes (so to speak, I don't actully have any yet - Cash Converters seem to be low on stock of boxing rings) and quickly signed up before he had a chance to change his mind.
So, to summarise for those who couldn't be arsed to read my ramblings above, we've signed up two boxers. Heavyweight Thorsted, a 19 year old Dane, and middleweight Bacak, a 17 year old Pole.
Quite a cosmopolitan town, we have here. I'm starting to feel like I could feasibly call this place "home" at some point in the future, and to celebrate this feeling, and having two proper living and breathing boxers signed up to my club, I nipped downstairs for a Lamb Bhuna.
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Post by Narcizo on Mar 23, 2007 7:19:53 GMT
How come you've got some boxers already. Cheaty poof!
Anyway I've decided to change the name of my gym. As we all know boxers are famous for their love of cult sci-fi shows and crap puns (well Frank Bruno was anyway) so without further ado I present you with He's Dead
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Post by Boony on Mar 23, 2007 8:25:49 GMT
I don't understand the sci-fi show reference or, therefore, the crap pun, but nevermind. s1ut sent me a PM last night with my boxers on it.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 23, 2007 8:43:49 GMT
800 and Coffers have got their boxers. Narkle and Moo will follow today with a certain antipodean who's decided to join getting his tonight or tomorrow.
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Post by Narcizo on Mar 23, 2007 8:44:09 GMT
The gym, He's Dead, will feature top, state of the art technology allowing the full monitoring of health and fitness of our top boxers. With a skilled eye and ear the trainer will be able to deduce the well-being and overall fitness of the boxer. The rapidity of the "bloomp .... bloomp .... bloomp" sound and the exact configuration of three coloured arrows on a scale will provide the information required to deduce what training is the pugilist should undergo to reach his optimum performance. Should more detailed data be required the trainer will wave a whistling silvery pepper pot around the fighter.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 23, 2007 8:48:00 GMT
Which actually is a pepper pot, with a small Scandinavian songbird in it.
No, not Nina Persson.
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Post by Narcizo on Mar 23, 2007 8:53:36 GMT
I used to live round the corner from her™. She is, indeed, tiny. Like a little chipmunk.
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Post by coffers on Mar 23, 2007 9:21:22 GMT
As The Who's The Fooks DonKing Gym opened today we had four new applicants for membership. I nearly missed the first guy who I thought was a whisky induced imaginary friend but my asstants assured me he was real.
It turned out that he was a 19yo Belgian heavyweight called Royal Largin and I liked what I saw. It's not often I'm impressed by young wannabe's but this lad has something, I just hope it wasn't a dream.
The next lad a 17 year old Turk, Mohammed Balafoutus, is also a Heavyweight didn't look much cop, I think I'll leave him in the trenches for now.
A 17yo French lightweight, Lucien Karapetyan, was next and he ooked the part, he needs a bit of development but I felt that we could have a little money spinner on our hands in this one. Forms were duly signed and the youngster was taken away to be shown the ropes.
Then in through the door came 18yo lightweight Englishman, Jarret Vasher, I immediately marked him down as a nutter, because the first thing he did was to try pick a fight with, heavyweight Royal Largin. Still aggression can be good, so I gave him a run out and the guy proceeded to audition for Saturday Night Fever or something, I've never seen footwork like it, I don't think I want to again. The guy wants to fight he punches anything that moves but I feel he lacks intelligence and style.
So Royal Largin and Lucien Karapetyan are onboard and the other two are shown the door for now.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 23, 2007 9:39:54 GMT
I used to live round the corner from her™. She is, indeed, tiny. Like a little chipmunk. [Innuendo-laden "joke" about nuts.]
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Post by Narcizo on Mar 23, 2007 9:48:59 GMT
"ooks the part"? Is he the librarian from discworld? A friend of Boony's assistant maybe?
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Post by Boony on Mar 23, 2007 10:21:09 GMT
It's a small world, the boxing community. Especially in this town.
I love the names of Gadgie's fighters. Royal Largin, and Lucien Karapetyan. I mean, who names their imaginary kid Royal? Stupid Belgians.
Do we need to PM s1ut with instructions for training now?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 23, 2007 10:32:53 GMT
If you do a GiS for Royal Largin, you get this :
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Post by Boony on Mar 23, 2007 10:35:29 GMT
Sow that's what I call pre-fight training. That's a hell of a sticky bun.
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Post by coffers on Mar 23, 2007 11:57:49 GMT
No wonder he is a heavyweight.
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Post by coffers on Mar 23, 2007 12:02:23 GMT
"ooks the part"? Is he the librarian from discworld? A friend of Boony's assistant maybe? :thumb:
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Post by Narcizo on Mar 23, 2007 12:43:26 GMT
"We've got a money-spinner on our hands there. Mark my words. A money-spinner". "What do you mean?" "I'll tell you what I mean interchangeable lackey #1. Who in the right mind isn't going to pay good money, lots of good money, to watch someone panel the leather out of a mouthy boyo from the valleys? It's a win/win situation. Either he turns out to be a decent fighter and we make money off of him or he turns out to be an extremely irritating punchbag. And we make money off of him". "Ah! Good plan boss." "Why thank you. You get to work training him, I'll get to work buying some ear plugs".
It hadn't started out very promising. Lightweight Dale Stribling had looked like one of thousands of Glaswegian wannabes who was slightly better at handling his drink than his peers and, consequently, a better fighter than them and thought that it was his ticket to the big time. Put him in a ring with someone who hadn't necked ten pints since opening time and he wouldn't be around for long though. We pointed him in the direction of the nearest pub and looked forward to seeing him at work around closing time.
Next came Italian heavyweight Carmino Barboza. At 21 he was late starting but had obviously discovered the collected works of Sylvester Stallone and had his heart set on being the 64th Italian boxer to call himself the Italian Stallion. Give him his due though, a brief stint in the ring showed that he had an instictive technique that could see him go far, if he could build up his body to go with it. At 21 he'd probably need a bit more than instinct to succeed though and he might be a bit late coming into the game. I would think about it.
Canadian lightweight Jeff Brubaker was in good shape and, at 17, looked a handy prospect. I would probably have signed him but he managed to annoy interchangeable lackey #1 (look, I'll come clean, ok. There's only one interchangeable lackey at the moment. We can't afford another at the moment. So really he is just plain Lackey). Now rule number 3 of the He's Dead Gym is that only I am allowed to annoy Lackey so with the grim expectation that Brubaker would come back to haunt me we kicked him out on his Canuck ear.
Brubaker looked like a quiet and retiring convent nun compared to our last prospect, Robert Greene. Have you ever had the misfortune to see a show like American Idol. There are invariably people who have a modicum of talent but manage to hide it under a veritable landslide of obnoxious, self-adulatory wittering. Well, imagine that but in a welsh accent. It doesn't paint a pretty picture does it. On the plus side for a 17-year old he was impressively fit and had clearly been coached already (probably several times, by coaches who I would imagine manage to last anywhere between a week and, oooo, 15 minutes).
And this is where I concocted my devilish plan. Lackey was used to abuse so he could soak it up for the month or so. Admittedly it might cut into my own quality insulting time but you had to make sacrifices to get ahead. After a month sparring we could decide if Greene actually had anything worth listening to him for. If he did then, well, maybe a punch or two might shut him up for a bit. If he didn't, then we'd get to see him getting wellied time and again.
Happy about my plan I decided that, to keep the karma ying-yang thing going I would also sign the quiet Barboza. He was bigger than Greene so if the Welshman wanted to pick a fight he'd soon be the worse for wear. With a plan like that I couldn't imagine anything going wrong. We would be in the money soon, and I'd be able to upgrade to Interchangable Lackeys #1 and #2.
He's Dead sign 21-year old Italian Heavyweight Carmino Barboza and 17-year old Welsh Middleweight Robert Greene.
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Post by coffers on Mar 23, 2007 12:50:28 GMT
Good work Nark. Just give lippy a fat lip, if you don't someone else will.
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Post by Narcizo on Mar 23, 2007 15:53:15 GMT
Elth will be pleased to hear that my orders for next month took all of 10 seconds. Most of which consisted of me pfaffing around opening a PM to slugt and typing the message.
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Post by coffers on Mar 23, 2007 16:03:50 GMT
Aye it was bloody hard work that, wasn't it Nark? I seriously contemplated sleeping it off, myself.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 24, 2007 9:42:52 GMT
And speaking of the man himself, he now has his boxers to choose from, which means everyone who's in is in. I'm sure elth will find the time to do this, the longest part, and then we can finish out the last three title bouts and move on to June and your first training sessions with your new boxers.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 26, 2007 10:10:36 GMT
Right, so everyone has now chosen two boxers, which shows you've all been paying attention, as that's probably the right way to go for now. I've the three title belts to decide to finish off May and then I'll annoy you all for training instructions, unless you've already sent me some, (which some people have). I'll also be upping my involvement on the managerial side from June, with the intention of being as evil as possible, which should come easy to me. Obviously I have a lot of inside information about all the boxers, including yours and about how the game works and what are the best choices, which means I have a lot of knowledge you don't/won't/can't have. I won't abuse this advantage, but I will use it - the aim is that I become the giant Dolph Lundgren style character that your tiny fat Italian gym can't possibly beat, which means you feel twice as good when you finally triumph. After I kill your friend. Obviously there's little real glory in winning when you hold all/most of the cards,so any gloating I do will be purely in reoleplay character, so don't take offence when I punch your boxer's head off and then call you a useless canute. If Coffers puts in half the energy he has to the glof, I don't stand a chance anyway.
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Post by Boony on Mar 26, 2007 10:32:53 GMT
The Bismarck GymThere have been whispers that this gym has very close links to the boxing federation, and any suspicious activities will have to be closely monitored. An indepth knowledge of the competitions rules and mechanics will give the manager of The Bismarck Gym a great advantage in the early days of the competition, and indeed they are the only one of the new gyms who already have fighters training and sparring in competitive bouts. However, there are rumours that the head guy here isn't as committed to his gym as he could be, and may retire soon to take a on a role in the administration of the boxing federation. I knew it
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Post by Moo on Mar 26, 2007 10:38:14 GMT
I don't think I have chosen my boxers to keep/release. Should I have done that by now?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Mar 26, 2007 10:49:19 GMT
Nope - there's no rush Moo. The whole idea is for this not to be a stressful thing. Though if you could pick them in the next ten minutes, that would be great. Seriously though, if you had a question or two, and I think you did, fire away. If not, pick a couple/three likely looking folk, give them some gloves and we'll move on.
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Post by Moo on Mar 26, 2007 10:57:30 GMT
I'll get right on it.
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