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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 19, 2006 11:53:33 GMT
How about "No, no, I said telescope."
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Post by Moo on May 19, 2006 12:04:09 GMT
You want a hint for a joke? I'll take anything. Ask wor lass.
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Post by Moo on May 19, 2006 12:05:40 GMT
How about "No, no, I said telescope." Thanks, s1ut. Another repressed memory opened up. You'll be mentioning Italians next. Dammit!!
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 19, 2006 12:28:08 GMT
The Paolo Rossi 1982 Commemorative Microscope? Free with 48 boxes of fish cakes.
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Post by Narcizo on May 19, 2006 12:44:10 GMT
That guy who loves Italy on TTH (ItalAussie at a guess) reckons that Italy actually did have the best team in 1982. Everyone, he claims, goes on about the Brazilian midfield while forgetting that their attack and defence were pony. While Italy had a great defence and a great striker.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 19, 2006 12:54:43 GMT
And Dorian Gray in net.
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Fuzzy
Spider Monkey
stop chewing!
Posts: 918
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Post by Fuzzy on May 20, 2006 20:50:37 GMT
That guy who loves Italy on TTH (ItalAussie at a guess) reckons that Italy actually did have the best team in 1982. Everyone, he claims, goes on about the Brazilian midfield while forgetting that their attack and defence were pony. While Italy had a great defence and a great striker. Should be him. We all know no one else cares about them.
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Post by Narcizo on May 22, 2006 6:32:02 GMT
Moo cares about them. He weeps himself to sleep at night like a lickle chiddy thinking about them.
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Post by Moo on May 22, 2006 8:16:57 GMT
:moop:
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Post by Boony on May 22, 2006 16:48:36 GMT
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 22, 2006 20:13:23 GMT
September 2005In September I look at my quite thin squad and decided that I should focus on the league and forget the FA Cup and any possible giant-killing run. I do this shortly after amateur team Ashford beat us 1-0 in Middlesex to dump us out in the second qualifying round.
In the Conference South things are a bit more rosey though, despite opening the month with a 0-0 draw in Basingstoke. A boring game is probably to be expected in the insurance capital of England, but this is shocking, featuring a breath-taking one shot on goal in the entire 90 minutes.
On the 17th, we're at home to Farnborough - the team relegated from the Conference National last year, which means they're a bit handy, as evidenced by their status as 6-4 on favourites, even though the game is in St Albans.
The game starts off with a peach of a goal for us, as Method Actor shows his first decent patch of skill this season, beating a midfielder and then angling through a nice pass to Victorian Birdbath, eight yards out, who sidefoots the ball between the onrushing keeper and the nearpost for 1-0.
Just before the half Birdbath is perhaps the first person to be pleased he's been fouled, as a defender scythes through him, leaving him on the floor, but then forgets about him, drifting off. When Birdbath clambers back to his feet, he's completely unmarked to run onto a long ball over the top and bend it around the keeper for 2-0.
Farnborough come out for the second half with a been in their bonnet, pouring forward, but we've gone to counter attacking and it's 3-0 on 48 minutes, as Purple Hayes turns away from his man to run onto a long throw and curl the ball home from 12 yards.
This seems to annoy Farnborough a touch, as they pick up seven yellow cards in the next fifteen minutes, four of which go to the same two players, reducing our visitors to nine men.
In the last 20 minutes we make the most of our two man advantage, as we score two very nice goals. A long move of 15 passes leads to loanee Sunday School Exile flicking a header over the Farnborough keeper.
Defender Cocktail Cubs makes it 5-0 with a stormer, running onto a pass and smashing it first time from 22 yards into the far corner.
The win takes us to third, still with just one defeat, but best of all Farnborough manager Frank Gray goes from "feeling triumphant" about me to being "fairly annoyed" with me, because it's my fault his team is rubbish.
To round out September we beat Dorchester 2-0 with a nice goal from Hayes and a penalty from Birdbath - his fifth goal of the season.
There is bad news though, as a bad tackle in the 85th minute breaks Big Family's leg. He'll be out for four to seven months, which is handy, as he's our only leftback. We don't have anyone who can even play there out of position. Super.
Manager's Player of the Month : Turkey Baster. Midget goalie has only allowed one goal so far in the league and one in the cup, which was enough to put us out, of course.
Makes improbable saves for someone 5'9" - yet to be under serious pressure, but we should be able to take care of that by having a defender with one leg at left back.
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Post by Sonic on May 23, 2006 1:04:01 GMT
Defenders these days don't know how good they've got it. I remember the good ol' days when a broken leg was nothing, and you could get up and play the rest of the game, let alone the rest of the season. Bah.
Nice start you've got going there, and there's a team with an nice looking name in there too; Weston-super-Mare :cab:
:thumb:
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Post by coffers on May 23, 2006 7:56:00 GMT
A very good start and the Cup would only be a distraction so you are well out of it.
KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by Boony on May 23, 2006 8:07:35 GMT
Left back with a broken leg? Throw him on the fire!
Good stuff, s1ugt. Keep it going, etc etc.
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Post by Moo on May 23, 2006 8:19:58 GMT
Midget goalkeepers are worse than full-backs. Get rid of him. I don't care how good you think he is, he's a midget. Sell him and get another fullback, they're much more useful. Apart from in goal, natch.
Oh and KUTDMPW! :thumb: (Defensively-Minded Poofy!)
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 23, 2006 15:28:09 GMT
:moop:
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Post by coffers on May 23, 2006 15:55:21 GMT
£17.48 for a Delia Smith Centrefold? No thanks, I'll pass on that one.
As for the results, that's a shoite update, in good GR fashion.
Well done I think, at least you stuffed Thurrock.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 23, 2006 20:09:16 GMT
So those of you who've two braincells and have seen 2-1-4-1-2's front cover will realise that I hardly had a stellar October, as we collapse for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we can't replace Big Family and our entire defence seems to be off against Bognor as a result, as right midfielder Widespread Disappointment has to switch to left back. You don't have to scroll back too far to see Bognor bottom of the table, but they aren't there any more, as they nick a late goal for a 1-0.
The following week I try to cuddle my team through an away game with Hayes, but they get a late goal too. I lambast the team in the post-game talk, giving the team the full Fergie hairdrier treatment, which they fully deserve.
Things aren't helped by forward Purple Hayes, who selfishly gets kicked in the head and will miss a couple of weeks while we rub "sadidA" off his bonce.
The shouting seems to pay off against Thurrock, with a much better performance, but we still can't score, so it's time to burn the paint off the walls with more shouting and, hello, here comes something approaching a response, as Cereal optimist somehow fires in a free kick from 25 yards. I presume he saw someone injured and was trying to kick the ball out for a throw in, as I've seen him shoot before.
With 15 minutes to play we double our lead as Victorian Birdbath meets a near post corner and heads home for his sixth of the season.
I give them a pat on the head and say well done and they reward me with playing like cocks against Maidenhead, seeing us lose 1-0.
Thankfully Hayes will be back for the first game in November.
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Post by Sonic on May 23, 2006 22:53:49 GMT
So, playing this low is going to be a 'challenge', more than the previous GR ones were. I think playing rouge nations lower divisions seems easier than the lower levels of the English league.
I agree with Coffers, I'm not paying £17.48 for a Delia Smith Centrefold. If it was a bootleg tape, you might have me ianterested, it just depends on the tape :humb:
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Post by Moo on May 24, 2006 8:47:17 GMT
It's a bootleg tape of Delia Smith getting spit-roasted by Ainsley Harriet and Jimmy Tarbuck. I'm not sure why Jimmy Tarbuck was there in the kitchen, mind you.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 24, 2006 11:38:44 GMT
He'd lost his balls in the rough?
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Post by Boony on May 24, 2006 11:58:55 GMT
2-1-4-1-2 :humb:
Unlucky, s1ugt, but at least you aren't getting humped.
KUTGTNSGBHBITFW :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 24, 2006 12:43:54 GMT
November 2005 GET IN!
There, that's a much better month. Game of the month is the third game of November as we travel to face Bishops Stortford; we haven't yet had a game in which both teams have scored, but here we've four goals in 14 minutes and we're 3-2 down after 23. Basically, any time we drop into a defensive mode they score and then when we push forward again we score.
By the time we face Stortford, injured Purple Hayes is back, but leading scorer and highest ranked player we actually own, Victorian Birdbath, is out with a bruised thigh.
The fun starts on seven minutes when Purple Hayes meets a diagonal cross from deep and flicks a header into the far corner for 1-0. That becomes 1-2 in just three minutes as the Bishop bashes me with two quick goals - the first from a good move, the second thanks to a mistake by midfielder Method Actor.
On 14 minutes Sunday School Exile brings the scores level again, allowing a cross from Cereal Optimist to drop, then striking it on the half volley into the roof of the net.
We fall back, but that proves to be the wrong thing to do, again, as the scores are even for just nine minutes. The Bishops' forwards are allowed to stroll through the centre of our defence and it's a tap-in for 3-2.
The game settles after the fifth goal, as the Bishops stop pushing forward quite so much and I drop my defensive line so far back they're almost behind the keeper.
Of course, that's not going to win us any style awards from anyone save maybe Steve McClaren and it certainly isn't going to get us back on even terms, so on the hour we start pushing forward more. And more. And more. Then a bit more.
By the time the 75th minute rolls around we have an attacking mentality that makes Keegan's Newcastle side seem like an 1970's Italian team with a one goal lead.
We go forward on and on and on, but our players are knackered, our finishing is wayward and time is running out.
On 90 minutes we're puffing through to a defeat, when Widespread Disappointment bends in a cross to no one in particular, because our forwards are, well, dead. Lucky, then, that AMC Shelf Clown has some legs, as he's popped up at the back post to make use of his "2" heading rating to score the equaliser!
I presume the ball hit him in the face.
The draw with Stortford is the first game we've played where both teams scored and it stays that way throughout the whole of November.
Either side of the Bishop game we beat Marine 2-0 and Blyth 3-0, both in the FA Trophy, to qualify for the first round proper.
Fun in the league comes as Victorian Birdbath scores two first half goals to beat Cambridge City, before he gets lumped out of the game. Birdbath will miss two to four weeks with his leg injury, which means we'll have been more than a month without our starting strikeforce of Birdbath and Hayes together on the field.
In the final game we host Welling, who are slight favourites for reasons I can't determine and my puzzlement is shown accurate as Swimming Stone, starting because Birdbath is injured and Sunday school Exile is knackered, scores, then does it again and then again, sealing the team's first ever hattrick.
Welling get a bit angry with Stone embarrassing them and so decide to try to kick him out of the game, so I sub him off for woeful back up Cat Sand who does his job, getting fouled repeatedly until Welling have a defender sent off.
We wrap up the month by adding a bunch of freebies, in the shape of defenders Empty Chariot and Pie Stains and midfielders New Do and Junior Angel, all of whom are gambles of the like you take when you have £0,000,000.00 to spend.
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Post by Moo on May 24, 2006 12:46:40 GMT
Defensive poof
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on May 24, 2006 12:50:06 GMT
Yeah... my true colours showing. As soon as I have a goal, I'm into defensive mode with a deep defensive line, no pressing and no offside, forcing teams with no passing ability to try to cut through eight defenders, while our two forwards loiter at the halfway line, ready to chase those cultured punts.
So we have a tendency to nick a late goal on the counter and end up with a few 2-0s.
I am thinking of dropping the 4-4-2 in favour of a 4-5-1 though - we let in three goals in November for god's sake.
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