Welcome to another exciting installation of Jim'll Fix It...now then now then. Today we've got a letter from a young boy in South America, arharharh, wanting me to make him the manager of a real football team for a day.
Well, we're going to go one better and actually install you fulltime.
I never did like Jimmy Saville it must be said. It was never me riding around in a to-scale built Ferrari picking up hot chicks.
Cowboy Mask picks up Player of the Year.
==OUTS==2 noobs Stu didn't bother naming.
Misery Bun - FREEEEE
Dead Strings - FREEEEE
We're waiting on the death of Ugly Friend and another unnamed pleb.
==INS==Well, I'm trusting in Stu here a bit because I basically let his lot arrive.
I then signed some of my own :humb:
Lesbian Lover - 19 Brazilian, DRC. Can jump. Can dribble. Ball playing centrehalf? Not on my team sonny.
Hanging Monkey - 18 Brazilian, FC. Can run moderately quickly.
Forriner - 21 USA, D/DMR. Fit, brave, hard working.
Exciting Tendons - 18 Brazilian, SC. Can't do anything, but highly recommended.
Kindred Spirits 40% - 19 Brazilian, AMRL. Dynamic would be a polite way of saying "meh".
Tar Git Man - 20 Argentinian, SC. Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Russell Crowes Nose - 19 Argentinian, D/MR. Solid all rounder.
Logical Captain - 19 Brazilian, DMC. Is a logical choice for Captain.
Yay! Money! - 17 Argentinian, SC. Knows where he is on the pitch. No clue what to do, but knows where to go.
Arriba, Ondelay! - 24 Argentinian, SC. Signing of the century. Everything you ever wanted in a striker, and better still - he's completely free.
Vamos Pendecho - 23 Argentinian, FRC. Second signing of the century.
I should have loaned a keeper really. Meh.
======================
Our opening game see's us facing off against the might of Almagro, who I don't think we've faced before - ah, that'll be because they're relegated Premier Division peoples, and have some bloody good players on their team.
Routine, Arrowhead fashion. Getting rid of Stu's incredibly silly Mocha Choco Latte.
We have no leftback, so we're playing a sweeper. No, really.
And in our first game half the team are 79%, so strapping together the midfield with driftwood and washing line.
Last season we struggled to score. Knowing the old analogy of "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink", we're deciding to go with a slight change. You might not be able to make him drink. But you can sure as hell hold his head under the surface until it inhales in desperation and swallows some of the stuff.
======================================GK - Apples for Whisky
DC - Judge Pickles
DC - Lesbian Lover
DC - Ultimate Ribena
SW - Missing You More
MC - Under my Kaiser's Helm
MC - Logical Captain (C)
AMC - Hanging Monkey
AMFLC - Wrong Number
AMFRC - Vamos Pendecho
SC - Arriba, Ondelay!
Bench: King of Lazy Town, Mining for Monsters, Horse Milking, Lost and Lonely, Tar Git Man.
======================================11.08.01The game starts well. By well I mean that Almagro starts out on the offensive, we get the ball - knock ot through to Vamos Pendecho (the fastest man on the team) and their centrehalf has hold of his shirt. Well, the Red Card comes out and we all know shirt pulling makes baby Jesus cry.
It starts a little better when Ultimate Ribena smashes in the free kick from 20 yards.
I taught him that trick over the weekend with my patented banana foot. I'm not sure what he was intending to do, but it went in and that's all that matters.
That and the second goal we add in the 4th minute. Quite what he's doing up front I have no idea, but Arriba forces the low save and he's there to smash it into the goal. The remaining 40 minutes of the half are silent. We pile forward a bit, Ondelay! has a few good efforts saved, and then they start to pick up a bit of momentum and shift formation. In the 85th minute Whisky in goal beats it away - and one of their blokes smashes it in.
In the 86th minute the commentary says "Almagro seemed to be playing without breaking much sweat!" which is amusing because we win 2-1.
Fuck you.
The board don't say anything, because they're cuntflaps.
======================================18.08.01Running up to the 2nd game of the season (away at Estudiantes de Buenos Aires) I cut 5 nobodies, and go out on the poach again. We bring in:
Hand of God - 29 Argentinian, AMC - creativity to the max (not).
Token - 29 Argentinian, D/ML - Token LB.
As a reward for his goalscoring freekick effort in his last game, Ultimate Ribena gets the curly finger treatment. Instead Token is thrown in for his debut, with Russell Crowes Nose sliding in at RB. Judge Pickles and Missing You More shore up the defence. Hand of God gets an immediate start behind the solo striker.
We start the game brightly, bringing the ball forward and playing it around in a style completely alien to the lower leagues. No surprise then that we give it away and then race upfield to smash it home in the 22nd minute. Meh. Whisky keeps us in the game with a couple of fine stops before Hand of God almost gives us an equaliser, but see's his run into the box stopped abruptly by his own inability to control, pass and/or shoot.
Anyway - he makes up for it by being able to head the ball on, and in the 45th minute Arriba, Ondelay! bags his first for the club.
Immediately from the restart we take the lead. Ondelay makes a poor pass, Logical Captain seizes the ball, whips in a cross and Pendecho is there to slam in his first goal for the club also. It gets a bit scrappy after that, but Hand of God is again instrumental - picking up a loose ball, striding forward, laying it on for Arriba, Ondelay! who smacks it low and hard into the goal.
I immediately try to sub him off, but am beaten to it by the fact some bastard comes over and crocks him.
So he gets pulled off for Tar Git Man and the rest of the game peters out.
Arriba will miss 3 weeks with a broken toe. Good job Stu signed 3 dozen strikers.
A great debut for Hand of God who sets up two, and Russell Crowes Nose picks up an "8" from RB. :humb:
The board is "delighted with the excellent 3-1 win over Estudiantes de Buenos Aires".
======================================25.08.01By the time the next game has come round (against Espanol at Home) I've been active again, at last a few players retired (saving me $40k!) so I wrangle away a keeper from Cipolletti.
Magic Hat - 19 Argentinian, GK - better than anything we have.
Wrong Number takes up centre targetman role, with Kindred Spirits brought in at LW and Magic Hat straight in at GK.
Magic Hat is MOM in a 0-0 draw as we struggle to do anything remotely cohesive on the field - managing only 2 chances, and 1 on target.
We get a televised game (eh?) for our match vs Ferro Carril on 23.09.01.
Magic Hat is promptly bought by Racing, but wont be moving until next July.
======================================04.09.01We bring in an experienced head with the acquisition of:
Auld Man Ribbon - 34 Argentinian, AMC - setpieces ability and good all round player.
For our match against Def. y Justicia.
GK - Magic Hat
LB - Token
RB - Russell Crowes Nose
CB - Lesbian Lover
CB - Missing You More
MC - Mining for Monsters
MC - Auld Man Ribbon
AMC - Hand of God
AMFLC - Kindred Spirits 40%
AMFRC - Vamos Pendecho
SC - Wrong Number
We manage to eke out a 2-1 win, but not before we lose Wrong Number to injury (both he and Hand of God score). Kindred Spirits works his magic for a "5" again, so he's benched forever at this rate.
Fortunately we have Arriba, Ondelay! back in the line-up for us to go to Nuevo Chicago. Unfortunately we're lacklustre again and can only manage a 0-0.
======================================15.09.01Away at another former Premier Division side, Los Andes we take an early lead through Auld Man Ribbon with a peach of a freekick...but then we fall apart. They hammer 4 in before halftime - but not without us having 3 penalty claims all denied, before eventually they get a claim against Token and slap it in. In the second half Wrong Number and Ondelay do the business to pull us back within 1, but their sub striker steps in to put home the 5th as quality tells in the end.
======================================23.09.01With our game flagging, I start paying attention to what other teams are setting out. Bloody 5-3-2's innit.
Next game is Ferro visiting our ground. We drew with them twice last year, which is no mean feat because they have a seemingly superb squad.
In the 2nd minute we're lucky not to concede a penalty when Missing You More slams into their striker, Magic Hat then pulls a rabbit out of his arse and performs a series of miracles to keep us in - whilst their striker is booked for diving. Their narkiness continues with a couple more yellows, before we get our first real chance onthe stroke of halftime and Wrong Number rifles in a half-volley.
1-0
Dirty Martini is crippled soon after (in a rare start) meaning Russell Crowes Nose is brought back into the team at RM.
Their striker, clearly still bitter from the earlier barge and dive, gets sent off for a push...after that it's all predictable. Hand of God scores, and they deflect in a corner. 3-0, easy easy easy.
We follow this up with a 2-0 away win over the league whipping boys Italiano.
Unfortunately I am actually unable to output any tables because I get a bug message
We're 1st, after 8 games.
Pld 8, W5, D2, L1, F15, A8
We have a 1pt lead over Espanol and 2pts over Platense and Los Andes. Ferro have 2 games in hand and are 3pts behind.
======================================30.09.01The Board injects $625k meaning we're now only $229,224 in debt.
======================================06.10.01We draw 2-2 with Alte Brown. Wrong Number twice gives us the lead, twice we get pegged back. From 2 shots on goal. Poofs.
The result leaves us in 4th overall after 9 games.