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Post by coffers on Aug 14, 2007 15:03:39 GMT
Wigan would have you Boo. Immediate starter, you'd have no competition.
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Post by Boony on Aug 14, 2007 15:05:33 GMT
Ah, but the wages at Newcastle are higher, and I'd get the luxury of sitting on the bench for a few weeks.
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Post by hornet on Aug 14, 2007 19:43:22 GMT
Chelsea win their 3rd consecutive MPTAOLIE title. Watford go down, only three points from Blackburn and Bolton. Fulham and Sheffield United join them in the SMPLIE.
Eskimo Arsekicker asks to be listed. He’s 28 and fairly shit, so yeah, man. Go for it.
Spurs come from a goal down to win the WAFER 3-1 after extra time. Real beat the Arse In the C(not) L(not). Rangers edge the Unwashed 1-0 in the ScotPot (I’m going to keep calling it that until it catches on) final.
Eskimo Arsekicker asks to come off the list again. For fuck’s SAKE. I don’t change my pants as often as this fucking tube changes his mind (ie, about twice a month). Just come in or go out, will you? In fact, sod it. Don’t let the door hit your ample arse on the way.
I’m named Second Divison Manager Of The Year, as well I might be. We net £75K for winning the title. A bunch of our players increase their salaries thanks to the promotion, leaving me £800 a week in the wage budget to accommodate new recruits. Luckily, this then takes a leap as it finally dawns on the board that we’ve been promoted. They announce a £60K transfer budget, plus anything I can bring in. My total salary allowance is up from about £4200 a week to £7300.
Which would be great if I could get anybody to play for us, like.
The board aren’t done with me yet, though. They proudly announce our new status as a feeder club for Preston North End, which means we’ll get a couple of loanees a year from them plus some cash, while they get first refusal on anyone we decide to sell. Bonus!
My first move is a thorough revamping of my backroom staff. By which I mean Magoo is out on his arse, along with every other useless bastard I had to put up with last year because nobody better was on a free and I didn’t have any cash to pay off other clubs. Ha HA!
AssMan Brannigan’s Law keeps his job for the time being because it’s easier than breaking in a new underling. Odd Shaped Balls arrives from Elgin to be my new goalkeeping coach, while Eating Dougal will take the attackers, Milk The Cat the defenders and former Stirling coach Talking Rodent the kids.
My scouting department also gets a much-needed revamp. Wired For Sound arrives from Alloa to handle checking out the oppo, while Fat Sunday. formerly of Arbroath and Young Cheese, ex-Airdrie will get out there and find me some actual players.
Finally, there’s the extravagance of an extra physio – Softie Sandman coming in from Stranraer.
The payroll bloat doesn’t end there, oh no! Despite my constant whining about nobody wanting to join us, I somehow manage to add seven players – as many as two of them who’re actually any good.
Here, then, are those transfer market moves in full:
IN When The Chevy Breaks 22 yrs, AMR/ST, Free (out of contract with Morton) Tiny, tons of pace, his passing and finishing are great but his crossing isn’t, yet. Got all the physical tools, though. He repeatedly refused contacts of £300-350 a week while I was trying to sign him from “So Graham” Morton, then went out of contract and demanded £150 a week. Stupid bastard.
Electric Boogaloo 21 yrs, ST, Free (Bozzer from Forfar) My staff rate him, I can’t see why. Looked quite good in fake games, though, so will likely fill the Eskimo Arsekicker 4th striker spot this year and get a couple of run-outs in cup games to see what he’s up to.
Aw Gee 21 yrs, AM/FC, Free (Bozzer from Cowdenbeath) Having a central midfielder who’s halfway decent in the air will make a pleasant change, since for all their other fine qualities, USS Tiny Penis and My One Dad are both Smurfs. In all other respects, he’s still a work in progress. His season will likely be spent in the ressies.
Opening Hound 21 yrs, MC, Free (Airdrie) We had him on loan last year and are pretty happy to get him back. A bit lightweight, but intelligent on the ball and committed off it. Probably 4th choice in central midfield, but that’s no disgrace in what’s probably our strongest position this year.
Filthy Cracker 31yrs, AML, Free (Brechin) We’re even more dangerously thin on the left than last year, since former loanee Dandy Highwayman has signed for Wolves and is now too good to talk to the likes of us. Cracker’s decent enough to paper over the cracks for a season and will deputise for The Dance Settee until he dies or I can find someone better.
Smell The Glove 22 yrs, DRC, Free transfer The fans were really excited by this signing. Glove looks solid defensively, very quick, fairly bright and even decent enough in the air to fill in at DC if need be. He’s not great going forward, but having him at fullback should allow me to be a bit more cavalier at MR than I was last year.
Train To Gorgeous 20 yrs, DR, £1K (Hearts) Yes, a player I’ve spent actual money on, try to contain your excitement. He’s a more polished, less gifted version of Smell The Glove, and further insurance on the right in the absence of last year’s loanee Dead Plasterer’s Society. He also claimed the move to Raith was “the best moment of his life” and that he couldn’t wait to break into the first team. The sap. To cap it all, he looks disturbingly like a thin version of my brother. Brrrrr.
OUT Foghorn Hit Parade29yrs, GK, Free That’s one of the seven hundred thousand goalkeepers cluttering up the place gone, anyway.
SHAKING IT ALL ABOUT Wanna Go Fast 18 yrs, MC, Season long loan (Dundee Utd.) I was trying to get hold of this kid all last season, after he had a 9-game loan at Forfar, banged in three goals and an assist, averaged 7.11 then pissed off back to Dundee United’s reserves for the rest of the year. He looks absolutely terrific - strong, creative and intelligent and will be first-choice to partner My One Dad in the middle.
Dover Soul 19 yrs, GK, Season long loan (Preston NE) The first fruit of our feeder-club relationship with Preston, Dover Soul’s been capped at U19 level and looks like he’s doomed Never A Frown to another season of sulking on the bench. He’s every bit the match of last year’s incumbent In The Fat Field.
Brave Decision 21 years, GK, Season long loan (Preston NE) Oh, brilliant. Nice one, Preston. If one goalkeeper will come in handy, then two will be twice as good, right? If there’s one fucking thing this club isn’t short of, it’s bloody keepers. The other reason why Never A Frown is going to be a stroppy little madam all year.
As if that’s not enough, we’ve also got a new crop of youth players coming into the squad. Ace Face, Jesus Haircut, As Any Fule No, Grandma Vendetta and Lincoln’s Welder will be filling out the U19s this year, but the star is 15-year old DC Thunderbird And Ribbit who youth coach Talking Rodent describes as “one of the best prospects to come though the academy during my time in charge.”
'Course, that'd be marginally more impressive if a) it wasn’t Raith Rovers’ academy we were talking about, or b) if Talking Rodent had been in charge for more than a fortnight.
Still, we’ll take what we can get. Even if we're now employing more people than Tesco's.
We get through the summer without losing any significant players, although the Puiffin, defensive rock Cool And Froody, and winger Me Buckin' At draw significant interest.
I nearly swallow my dentures when Queen Of The South come in with a £100,000 bid for midfield maestro My One Dad. A big factor in the decision to politely tell them to get stuffed is that the cash would likely be near-useless to me. Anyone good enough to fill Dad’s (or Froody's, or Puffin's) role in the team just isn’t going to sign for us, meaning that to have any chance of survival this year we can’t really sell anyone who anyone else would want to buy.
I think they call this a Catch-22.
The fake games go past with us stuffing anyone we ought to stuff, losing to everyone we ought to lose to and learning nothing about what shape we’re in for the upcoming season.
Rangers Reserves come to Stark’s Park and stuff us 1-0. We then see off Third Division Dumbarton and East Stirling 7-0 on aggregate before Crystal Palace come north and barely give us a look at the ball except to pick it out of our own net. The offseason’s rounded off with a comfortable 2-0 win over Arbroath, in the course of which Pocket Billiards gets his stupid self injured. A bruised rib, he’ll miss at least the opener.
Nothing’s ever bloody easy, is it?
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Post by Sonic on Aug 15, 2007 1:21:44 GMT
Nice preseason you've had there, and not bad on the not being able to sign anyone but here's seven, count them, seven new signings for the club. Plus loan signees too! You backroom staff seems to be coming together too, which is important too. The first chance you get, upgrade your facilities. If that comes from having sold someone for big money, then it was worth it for that. Ok, "big money". It won't happen until a years time though, and takes bloody ages. Boards these days are a bit slow on the uptake I find. Oh, and stick in loans from foreign clubs as much as possible, as they are more likely not make you pay their wages. Though getting the player then to come is another thing.
I remember you mentioned soemthing about not being able to cancel a loan signing because of injury, I think its a bug and that any players loaned withing the same country can't have their loan deal terminated. Which is really annoying if you stop playing htem because someone else is playing better.
And finally, with regards to friendlies, try getting the biggest clubs you can to play friendlies at your stadium and then stick out your reserves, it is a nice cash cow exercise.
I shut up now :cab:
:thumb:
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Post by coffers on Aug 15, 2007 8:11:29 GMT
Nice moves in the close season I see. Potential incoming players re-assess their views of you once you are officially in the new division. ie. the board announce the transfer budget and future expectations. Until then they think of you as a team from the division you just got promoted from. That's my theory anyway.
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Post by hornet on Aug 15, 2007 9:07:48 GMT
Thanks Sonic, Coffs. I'm still very much feeling my way in this game, so the fruits of your greater experience are very gratefully received.
Sonic - The cancel loan thing was bizarre. The button wasn't there, then the next time I loaded the game up, bang, there it is.
The squad's deeper than last year, but I'm not convinced it's stronger other than at MC. It's a bit worrying seeing the amount of cash and loanees that are being splashed about by everyone else in the division.
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 10:17:21 GMT
You don't have to accept potential loanees from parent clubs, either, Hornet. If they're shíte, just say no (kids). I've done it before, it doesn't seem to harm the relationship.
Anyhoo, GL with the new season. :thumb:
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Post by hornet on Aug 15, 2007 10:50:04 GMT
Oh, they're not shite, they'll be my 1-2 keepers, it's just that one goalkeeper and, say, a left-back or a striker would have been SO much more useful. I played the first three games last night and had to stop becuase it was getting too stressful. I'll say no more than that for the time being.
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 11:00:00 GMT
SO then Horn, are you getting the love/hate thing yet? "But I have to play again, dear... just so I can call the game a twat!" I feel your pain.
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Post by hornet on Aug 15, 2007 11:31:54 GMT
Elaine came home yesterday to find me in the midst of full-on CM Sarcastic Monologue Mode.
"Yes, go on, pass it to their forwards why don't you? Of COURSE you've forgotten how to play football over the summer, why would I expect anything else? Oh, oh, go on, go on, let the shot in, after all things aren't difficult enough for us yet are they? You fucking useless BASTARD!"
She nearly pissed herself laughing when she realised it wasn't even the TV getting shouted at.
Plus, playing with nicknames makes you sound even madder, if such is possible.
"TUBA! Pull your FUCKING FINGER OUT, Tuba! Shoot, Puffin! Puffin! SHOOT!"
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 11:58:52 GMT
And I thought the commentary was just for the Divots' benefit. KUTGW!
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 15, 2007 12:09:21 GMT
Don't tell me you don't shout at your screen when there are no Divots around...
When it's hot and the window's are open it gets a bit hairy shouting out "Don't do that you French cunt!" because the neighbours don't know who I'm talking to.
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Post by floplexter on Aug 15, 2007 12:10:58 GMT
Just managed to go for the wadethrough and well worth it too. Better go for a lie down now.
KUTGW, you spawny tossrocket.
:thumb:
:moop: :pops:
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 12:20:22 GMT
Spookily, I very rarely use naughty words when playing FM in the comfort of my own home. It would distract Nicola from Holby City and when that happens, shoes fly.
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Post by floplexter on Aug 15, 2007 12:49:18 GMT
I swear like a right cunt. And sometimes get violent and clenchy. Only when playing CM.
Though, somewhat amusingly, and with Cuba in sight, I was watching the Gers game last night in my Gers shirt (natch) with a guy who is husband of a friend of the wifely one's. They arrived off the ferry last night at 6 and by 9.30 (with only two beers in us) he must have wondered what was going on (they've never been here before and I've met them once, over lunch, three years ago) when I leapt off the couch to my knees, slid across the polished wooden floor in the classic two-clenched fist kneel going "Yeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrsssssss! Nooooooovvvvvvoooo!"
It's a very descriptive word, bemused.
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 13:00:02 GMT
On Saturday, I was outside in the yard listening to the Newcastle game on the MP3 player and when Oba scored our second, I ran into the house, legs apart, knees bent and started shaking my fists in delight.
And Sam turned to me and said "Daddy, do you need a poo?"
He doesn't like football, y'see.
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Post by floplexter on Aug 15, 2007 13:05:35 GMT
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Post by coffers on Aug 15, 2007 13:36:20 GMT
Kids eh? Cuh!
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Post by coffers on Aug 15, 2007 13:38:01 GMT
Oh, and were you?
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Post by Boony on Aug 15, 2007 13:41:25 GMT
Moo always needs a poo. It's cos he's so full of shit...
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 13:45:21 GMT
I wasn't in need of one, no, I was just celebrating. Kinda.
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Post by floplexter on Aug 15, 2007 14:46:38 GMT
Some people do celebrate by having a nice pooh.
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Post by Moo on Aug 15, 2007 14:49:01 GMT
It's not something I want to think about, thanks all the same.
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Post by coffers on Aug 15, 2007 14:54:27 GMT
Asda obviously don't stock Pampers in his sizes.
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Post by Boony on Aug 15, 2007 14:56:36 GMT
I'm sure Hornet doesn't mind his thread being taken up by thoughts of Moo poo-ing into man-sized (ha!) pampers in celebration at a Newcastle goal.
Or am I?
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