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Post by hornet on Aug 30, 2006 21:13:36 GMT
PRESEASON, WEEK 4 - Eagles @ Jets
I'll give my lads this - they do let me know good and early whether it's going to be worth watching the rest of a game. This time, the first play is a 60-yard touchdown run by Brian Westbrook, who some of you might remember being a walking turnover for me at Arizona. Sigh. "They came out with a plan on offence and executed it to perfection!" gushes Madden.
Hang on a minute.
So let me get this straight, John. What you're telling me is that Andy Reid gathered his players on the sideline and said, "OK lads, here's the plan - we'll give it to Brian on a simple handoff, have him miraculously break out of two tackles behind the line of scrimmage, watch a safety and corner bounce off him further downfield and let him trot over the goal-line. Now get out there and make it happen!"
The first half is just cover-your-eyes awful. Less than a hundred yards of total offence, two interceptions from The Idiot Ramsey, the Eagles moving the ball at will... the only slight comfort is that we only (only!) surrender 16 points, our defence proving a pretty tough nut to crack inside the red zone.
Things improve notably in the second half, Kellen Clemens racking up 202 yards through the air with a touchdown and no turnovers, and adding a second score when on third and goal from the Philly 2-yard line, he fakes a handoff, rolls out to his left and keeps rolling to just about outrun the covering defenders into the corner of the endzone. We can't even run the bloody ball against the Eagle backups, though, and somehow give up a 61-yard touchdown to another (useless) old amigo, Is-This-A-Slow-Motion-Replay? former Bengal tight end Matt Schobel. killing off any chance of a comeback.
26-14 the final score then, and to add injury to insult backup end Monsanto Pope suffers a broken shoulder and is done for the year. Fan-bloody-tastic. Still, it's not like the rest of the AFC East is in any better shape, last week's wins proving the only ones our division can manage in the whole pre-season.
See us lull the rest of the league into a false sense of security with our knees-bent running-about advancing behaviour.
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Post by hornet on Aug 30, 2006 22:07:37 GMT
Final preseason housekeeping, then.
With Monsanto Pope on IR, we go for a quick dip in the free agent pool and bob to the surface carrying Tyoka Jackson (76 OVR), a veteran in his twelth year that we sign to a 1-year, $1.2M deal to back up both defensive end positions.
The progression of my players, or lack thereof, is profoundly depressing. Let us never speak of it again.
All that remains to do, then, is finalise the ol' depth charts. It's fair to say that Paddy Ramsey has completely failed to generate anything approaching a quarterback controversy, so we'll be throwing young Master Clemens to the wolves and seeing if he sinks or swims.
The wolves are, um. In a lake. Obviously.
Going into the season, then, the starters for the 2006 New York Jets look something like this:
OFFENCE QB - Kellen "What Have I Done To Deserve This?" CLEMENS (Rookie, 76 OVR) HB - Curtis "My Ears Are Old And Bent" MARTIN (12th year, 91 OVR) FB - Chris "Shaken" BAKER (5th year, 82 OVR) FL - Lavernanues "Spellchecker" COLES (7th year, 90 OVR) SE - Justin "Best Of A Bad Bunch" McCAREINS (6th year, 80 OVR) TE - Doug "Deck The Halls With Boughs Of" JOLLEY (5th year, 80 OVR) LT - D'Brickashaw "YOU Tell Him It's A Silly Name" FERGUSON (Rookie, 85 OVR) LG - Pete "Felicity" KENDALL (11th year, 88 OVR) C - Nick "Heavy Metal Hero" MANGOLD (Rookie, 83 OVR) RG - Brandon "Less Is" MOORE (4th year, 86 OVR) RT - Adrian "ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" JONES (3rd year, 79 OVR)
DEFENCE LE - Shaun "Of The Dead" ELLIS (7th year, 95 OVR) DT - Dewayne "DeHugeDraftBust" ROBERTSON (4th year, 83 OVR) RE - Kimo "Some Of My Finest And My Blondest Friends" VON OELHOFFEN (13th year, 84 OVR) SLB - Victor "Choice" HOBSON (4th year, 82 OVR) MLB - Jonathon "A Dabba-Doo Time, You'll Have A Gay Old Time" VILMA (3rd year, 96 OVR) MLB - Brad "An Englishman's Home Is His" KASSELL (5th year, 85 OVR) WLB - Eric "Fink" BARTON (8th year, 83 OVR) CB - David "No-Mark" BARRETT (7th year, 87 OVR) CB - Justin "Windy" MILLER (2nd year, 85 OVR) SS - Kerry "Even-Less-Mark" RHODES (2nd year, 78 OVR) FS - Erik "Some-Mark"COLEMAN (3rd year, 86 OVR)
SPECIAL TEAMS K - Mike "The Nuge" NUGENT (2nd year, 86 OVR) P - Ben "D'Ya Mind If We Just Call Ya Bruce?" GRAHAM (2nd year, 85 OVR)
TEAM RATINGS OFFENCE - 84 DEFENCE - 85 SPECIAL TEAMS - 89 OVERALL - 85
Ah yes. Quake in fear, Rest Of The National Football League.
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Post by DC on Aug 30, 2006 23:19:16 GMT
You're right, you're a bit shit, and all the blame must be laid squarely on the well rounded shoulders of the manager and part time Jet mascot; Captain JoiseyAvailable to play Offensive Line weeks 6 through 11 when not competing in the WCW schedule.
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Post by Moo on Aug 31, 2006 8:20:19 GMT
Nice run down there, El Pres. Looking forward to tales of woe, unexpected success against the 42ers (snarf!) and severe Elastoplast moments against the oooohhh...errrrrr... random choice..... Browns in week 8.
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Post by hornet on Aug 31, 2006 10:22:29 GMT
Week 1 - New York Jets (0-0) @ Tennessee Titans (0-0)
Here we go, then.
A quick shufti at the Titans' roster tells us that rookie signal-caller Vince Young is their main weapon on offence - he's basically Kellen Clemens, but good. The other skill position players are adequate but no better, which seems eerily familiar, somehow. Their main weaknesses on that side of the ball are their sub-par offensive tackles and their lack of speed out wide. Blitzing outside linebackers and corners would seem to be the order of the day.
On defence, they have a pretty strong front seven marshalled by Keith Bulluck from the middle 'backer position. The secondary's less impressive, so we're probably going to stand and fall on our passing game.
Oh dear oh dear.
The bottom line is that Tennessee are in the middle of a rebuilding project in much the same way that we are, so this is definitely one of the more winnable games on our schedule. If we can't win this one, we really might be in the hunt for a nice early draft pick next year.
-
A beautiful crisp late summer day in Nashville is throughly ruined in the early going by the spectacle of two largely-inadequate football teams flailing at each other. Three punts are quickly exchanged before the game suddenly flares into life - on a 3rd and 2, the Titans hand the ball off to halfback Chris Brown, who proceeds to run smack into the big pile of fat blokes lurking around the line of scrimmage. He dances from foot to foot for a bit as if unsure what to do next, when the decision's taken out of his hands by Dewayne Robertson hitting him really, really hard from the blindside. Down goes Brown, out pops the ball which takes a nice little hop right into the hands of Kimo Von Oelhoffen, who sets off toward the goal-line at the sort of pace that would embarass a couple of tortoises carrying a piano. Hilariously, not one Titan manages to react in time to get a tackle in and thirty-two yards later Kimo flops into the endzone for a touchdown just before a cardiac arrest kicks in.
We had a plan on offence, and we executed it to perfection. NYJ 7-0 TEN
'Course, this is us we're talking about, and it takes all of two plays before hi-bloody-larious tackling in the secondary lets David Givens catch and run 64 yards for the tying score. NYJ 7-7 TEN
But aha! For the first time in living memory we're actually running effectively. Our line is opening holes and Curtis Martin is crashing through them for five, six, seven yards a pop. Even Clemens is getting in on the act, converting a 3rd and 4 with a rollout that just keeps rolling. But that's not the most surprising thing. The most surprising thing is that we manage to convert a goal-to-go situation with a power run, Martin squeezing between the right tackle and tight end from a yard out to restore our lead. Glory be, now I've seen everything. NYJ 14-7 TEN
Or almost everything. A minute and a half left in the first half, Kellen Clemens drops back, looks up and fires toward Justin McCareins on a ten-yard hook. Cornerback Reynaldo Hill brings back warm memories of the time I had him in Arizona when he sells out trying for the pick but misses the ball altogether. McCareins naturally takes the opportunity to turn upfield and sprint 60 yards untouched for another score. As you do. NYJ 21-7 TEN
Unable to quite believe what's happening - and who can blame them? - the Titans go all-out to try and close the gap before half-time. On 2nd and long deep in his own territory, Vince Young tucks the ball under his arm and tries to make something happen with his legs but succeeds only in running full-tilt into the not-inconsiderable mass of Shaun Ellis. Fumble, Dewayne Robertson ends up at the bottom of the dog-pile and two plays later Lavernanues Coles is on the receiving end of Kellen Clemens' second-ever NFL touchdown pass. Wow. This game's a LOT easier when the other team's as rotten as you are, isn't it? NYJ 28-7 TEN
We add three points at the end of a seven-minute drive to start the second half, and the Titans' next possession ends when No-Mark Barrett tips a pass and Jonathon Vilma scurries across to pick it off. From there on in, everyone's just playing out time. Clemens chucks a couple of annoying picks that sully his debut a little bit (14 of 30 for 236 yards, 2 TD, 2 INT, since you asked and all), Curtis Martin ends up with 101 yards from 26 carries as he helps us grind the clock late on, and outside linebacker Eric Barton nets himself a safety with a sack in the endzone after a gorgeous Ben Graham punt sails out of bounds inside the 3-yard line.
Final score then, NYJ 33-13 TEN
1-0, baby! Now if we can just arrange to play the Titans every week, we'll be sorted.
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Post by Moo on Aug 31, 2006 10:31:27 GMT
You're making this up, aren't you? The Jets could never start a season with a win IRL, could they. I think I'm going to be sick. TNTKUTGW! (Try Not To... ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) )
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Post by coffers on Aug 31, 2006 10:31:54 GMT
Nice win Horn, Keep that up and you'll be in the Superbowl or something. Something being just plain lucky. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by Narcizo on Aug 31, 2006 11:56:12 GMT
It's much more fun when you lose stuff. Start doing some of that.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 31, 2006 14:12:05 GMT
Indeed. I'm going to sneer at you down my nose until you lose 10 games.
I think it's traditional on Madden Mania to shout out "slider n00b!!!!11" at this point.
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Post by hornet on Sept 1, 2006 1:21:37 GMT
Week 2 - New England Patriots (1-0) @ New York Jets (1-0)
The Patriots look pretty scary on offence, with the unflappable Tom Brady, the untacklable Corey Dillon and a ton of speed out wide. If there's hope to be found it's that with centre Dan Koppen out injured the right side of their o-line doesn't look quite out of the top drawer.
The defence is built around a great front seven, particularly up the gut where Vince Willfork, Tedy Bruschi And Mike Vrabel roam. There are spots on the roster that look less clever, such as LOLB, where for some reason despite having Michael Boulware and Rosevelt Colvin on-staff, Bill Belicheck (sorry, "Patriots Coach") is starting Tully Banta-Cain who - to put this in proper perspective - wouldn't even be first choice for US. New England are short of a bit of speed at corner, but make up for it with a couple of excellent safeties.
This is where the season really starts, to be honest. The win against the Titans was nice, but as a wise man once said - good against remotes, that's one thing. Good against the living... well, that's something else.
-
We win the toss and elect to receive the kick, for novelty value. Four plays later, it's downtown Punt City, population: us. Ben Graham booms one toward the left sideline deep inside the Pat 20, and Troy Brown scurries across, getting to the ball just in time to see it bounce off his chest and hit the turf, where the hustling Derrick Strait dives on the thing. Wahey! It takes us four plays to go eleven yards, but I'm not complaining when Kellen Clemens scampers over the goal-line untouched from a yard out to give us the lead. Perhaps last week wasn't actually a fluke? Now boarding, the Jet Bandwagon! NE 0-7 NYJ
It takes all of two plays for the Pats to get back on terms, Victor Hobson falling asleep in coverage and letting his man - tight end Ben Watson - get behind him and everybody else to the tune of an 82-yard touchdown score. That'll be the Jet Bandwagon hitting a sudden pothole, then. NE 7-7 NYJ
Still, we might not be setting the world on fire, but we are moving the ball. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery sloooooooooooooowly, but moving it all the same. We need a couple of third-and-long completions but manage to just about get into range for the Nuge to slot a fifty-yard figgie to put our noses back in front. The Jet Bandwagon's rolling again, there's blue skies above us, Iggy Pop's on the stereo and a wide open road stretches away as far as the eye can see. NE 7-10 NYJ
Grrrr. 15 plays, 7 minutes, 80 yards, 4 of 4 on third downs including conversions of 6, 8 and 9 yards, Corey bloody Dillon crashing over from short range and New England in front for the first time today. Half time, and there's a nasty noise coming from under the Jet Bandwagon's bonnet. NE 14-10 NYJ
Our promising first drive of the second half comes to an abrubt end when bloody Tedy Bruschi comes out of bloody nowhere to pick off a pass intended for a bloody wide-open Doug Jolley. Seriously, Doctor bloody Octopus would have had a job reaching that one. And for maximum annoyance, the Patriots let us get them to a 3rd and goal from our 15 before hitting Dan Graham exactly one nanometre from going out of bounds at the left front corner of the endzone. Smoke. Is smoke coming out of the engine a good thing? NE 21-10 NYJ
Suddenly we can't move the ball on the ground or through the air, and we DEFINITELY can't stop the Patriots grinding out first downs. Clemens throws his second pick of the afternoon on a deep desperation heave-ho to Lavernaneus Coles, and his third on deep desperation heave-ho to Doug Jolley. Arse. That sounded an awful lot like a wheel coming off the Jet Bandwagon, there.
To add insult to humiliating defeat, while New England are just running it up the gut play after play to eat clock, Corey Dillon runs right through our defence and out the other side on his way to a 27-yard touchdown. And just to put the bleeding full stop on it, Justin Miller coughs up the ball on the ensuing kickoff. Fan-bloody-tastic. Final score NE 31-10 NYJ
Somehow, the stats make even uglier reading than the scoreboard. 156 yards of total offence, our only touchdown scored on a drive that started on the New England 11-yard line. Kellen Clemens was 14 for 31, 122 yards and 3 picks, adding up to an impressive QB rating of 16.5. The running game was exactly no better, and our defence was just utterly outclassed. The Patriots managed over 350 yards of offence despite barely bothering to show up for the fourth quarter.
The Jet Bandwagon just crashed through a barrier, tumbled end-over-end down a three hundred feet of cliff bouncing off stray rocks and trees all the way before bursting into a spectacular yellow-orange bloom of fire, scattering bits of bodywork over a wide area and sending up an angry column of greasy black smoke visible for miles in any direction.
Just to rub salt in the wound, the New York Post described Clemens as a "Special Contributor" to the game for his three interceptions... well, okay, I s'pose that WAS a pretty big contribution, for one team at least. And, oh look, there's a message in my e-mail from the team's PR department, I wonder what they want?
"Our prestige really dropped after that upset."
UPSET?
Two questions leap to mind. Firstly, given that there are tribes in the Amazon as yet untouched by Western civilisation that knew we were going to get a kicking this week, who on Earth thinks that that result was an upset? And secondly, if you DO somehow manage to track down these otherworldly visitors from Planet Mentalist, can I PLEASE have a go on their crack pipe?
I think it can safely be said that we're back to business as usual, folks. Never let it be said I don't give my public what they want.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 1, 2006 5:36:32 GMT
You'll have to start again now too - the Jets traded Bollinger to the Viqueens overnight, which will have a big impact on the realism of this story.
KUTGHBTPW!
--EDIT-- The Jets traded Doug Jolley too... Sent a first round pick to the Raiders to get Jolley, then bumped him off to Tampa Bay in return for a conditiional pick which could be as high as a sixth rounder!
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Post by Narcizo on Sept 1, 2006 6:18:11 GMT
What is it about Jets and tight ends?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 1, 2006 6:40:36 GMT
I don't know - they used one of the first rounders they got for Keyshawn Johnson on a Tight End... who's now in Tampa Bay.
The Jets are a housecat, bringing home dead mice to impress the Buccs.
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Post by Moo on Sept 1, 2006 7:01:18 GMT
That's better, Hornet. Don't you feel more comfortable knowing that your team really were as pants as you initially thought? You have a moral victory right there.
Have a lollipop.
:thumb:
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Post by coffers on Sept 1, 2006 8:27:46 GMT
WHat Moo said again. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) KUTGIYCCIGW! :thumb: (Good, If You Can Call It Good)
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Post by hornet on Sept 1, 2006 16:12:21 GMT
Week 3 - New York Jets (1-1) @ Buffalo Bills (0-2)
With Willis McGahee suffering from a nasty case of knee-knack, it's Shaud "Who?" Williams lining up in the backfield behind JP "Poor Man's Kellen Clemens" Losman. In a return to the standard NFL hiring policy for wide receivers that was evident in my Cardinals franchise, the Bills feature the speedy and useful Lee Evans and four inanimate carbon rods. Their o-line's a bit of a mixed bag, soft on the outside but with a tough centre. Like a chocolate-covered
The left side of the Buffalo front seven looks a bit iffy, with neither Jeff Posey nor Ryan Denney being much cop. On the other hand, London Fletcher and the awesomely-named former Bengal Takeo Spikes are both ace, so staying as far from them as humanly possible will be the plan. The Bills also have an excellent secondary in place headed up by corner Nate Clements and veteran ex-Eagle safety Troy Vincent, so it looks very much like this could be a game of patience and field position, with the team that protects the ball and doesn't give up the big play most likely to come out on top.
This is one of the very few games this year that on paper we ought to win (85 OVR vs. 84 OVR), so in many ways it's a pity we'll be playing on grass.
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The plan today is to minimise risk. We're going to try to keep our young quarterback from having to force things against a pretty strong defence by running the ball as much as humanly possible. Our first drive looks promising, but comes to an abrubt end when a scrambling Kellen Clemens is hit from behind and fumbles. Did I mention that protecting the ball was likely to be pretty important today? I did? Oh good. Fortunately, we hold the Bills to a three-and-out, and a short, Curtis Martin-tastic drive later Mike Nugent hits a 49-yard field goal to open the scoring. NYJ 3-0 BUF
Buffalo's next drive is all of three plays, two of which are sacks by Shaun "Janet" Ellis. That'll be another punt, then.
Our first visit to the red zone follows, as Clemens rolls out to his left, the two Buffalo defenders on that side umming and erring about what to do before eventally electing to come up and try to close him down at which point the quarterback lofts the ball neatly over their heads to Curtis Martin strolling uncovered down the sideline for a 32-yard gain. That was like Akili Smith at his best. Our goal-line problems continue, though, and in the end the Nuge has to come in and chip a trey from 36 yards. NYJ 6-0 BUF
With tiresome predictability, our wastefulness in scoring positions comes back immediately to bite us. 3rd and 3 near midfield, JP Losman just about gets his pass away a nanosecond before Jonathon Vilma arrives to perform an extreme makeover on the quarterback's dental work. The ball wobbles about seven yards, miraculously dropping into the hands of slot receiver Jake Reed who tears untouched up the middle of the field for a 46-yard score while my secondary are busy throwing themselves dramatically to the ground like Italian strikers arriving in the penalty area. Just like that, all our good work's undone. I did mention that not giving up big plays was likely to be pretty important today? I did? Oh good. NYJ 6-7 BUF
Still, C-Mart's having some success today and bizarrely so's Kellen Clemens - taking what the defence give him, making the throw when his receiver's open, tucking the ball away and picking up a few yards with his legs when there's nothing there. And the Nuge is making sure that every trip into Buffalo territory is at least netting three points - his second 49-yarder of the day in this case, and we're back on top at the two-minute warning. NYJ 9-7 BUF
The Bills try to make something happen just before half-time, but a Vilma sack ends any hope of that, and following the punt we've got the ball at our 32, 1:13 left in the half. To this point, we've called 19 runs to 10 passes. This drive, Clemens scrambles for the first first down then goes 3-for-3 passing for 58 yards and a touchdown - Lavernanues Coles gets position on his defender on a slant route and the pass drops neatly into the hands at the back of the endzone for a 26-yard score. Sweet. That'll be the half, then. NYJ 16-7 BUF
We take total control of the game on our first drive of the second half - 9 runs, 4 passes, five and a half minutes, 64 yards, the killer blow coming on 4th and inches from the Buffalo 2, Curtis Martin taking the handoff and slamming over the goal-line behind D'Brickashaw Ferguson to put us three scores ahead. From there on, we're just working the clock, and final notice comes with five and a half minutes to play, with Buffalo facing 3rd and inches on their own 35. They try the quarterback draw, but Eric Barton fills the gap for our sixth sack of the day and facing a 4th and 3, the Bills elect to punt it away, effectively raising the white flag.
From there, an 11-yard Curtis Martin burst, a Clemens scramble on 3rd and 3 and a cheeky flip-pass over a couple of defenders to the wide-open H-back, Chris Baker, is enough to run the clock out on our best all-round performance of the year so far. Final score NYJ 23-7 BUF
In total, we ran the ball 39 times - Martin getting 109 yards and a touchdown on 30 carries, plus 71 yards on three receptions. Kellen Clemens was efficient and effective - only 164 yards passing, but a completion percentage of 65%, no interceptions and his eight carries tacked on 50 rushing yards. Nine of our 13 completions were to backs or tight ends, with just two each for our starting wide receivers. Obviously playing nine-man football won't win games for us week-in week-out, but in this game it was just what the doctor ordered. Huzzah!
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Post by coffers on Sept 1, 2006 16:33:31 GMT
Buffing the Bills, Nice! :thumb:
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Post by DC on Sept 1, 2006 19:52:12 GMT
Quarterbacks who can run are the new John Hartson Certainty Principle.
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Post by hornet on Sept 3, 2006 7:07:53 GMT
Week 4 - Indianapolis Colts (3-0) @ New York Jets (2-1)
Oh dear.
Oh, well, let's see exactly how bad this is going to be.
Manning and Harrison and Wayne, oh my! But, er... hang on a minute.
Shorn of Edgerrin "Bloody" James, this offence suddenly doesn't look half as scary as it used to in the days when the Peytonator used to regularly bend my Bengal team over the kitchen table and take it roughly from behind. Brandon Stokeley's an OK third receiver, but he's quite unnecessarily ugly and Andre Dyson actually matches up quite well against him. Edge has been replaced by the two-headed sex beast of Dominic Rhodes (slowish, falls over at the first hint of trouble, slightly iffy hands) and rookie Joseph Addai (quickish, falls over at the first hint of the first hint of trouble, very iffy hands). They're running behind a Swiss-cheese offensive line that looks great at centre and tackle but features two dodgy guards.
I mean don't get me wrong, they've almost certainly got enough to turn over the likes of us, but the big problem with playing the Colts in previous years just doesn't seem to be there any more. With their new, pedestrian set of running backs, you're likely no longer caught in a situation where trying to shut down the pass leads to giving up five yards a carry on the ground.
This year, all you have to do is stop Manning. And how hard can that be?
I mean, Patriots Coach manages it every season, and HE doesn't even have a name.
Like the offence, the defence is strong but one-dimensional. The front seven's great albeit undersized - all pass rush, no run-stopping, and the Colts seem to be up with the current NFL vogue of not having two decent outside linebackers to rub together - LOLB Gilbert Gardner is the weakest link. The secondary's not so hot, though - if we can get Coles isolated on the number 1 corner, Jason David, we can probably beat him deep. Assuming we can avoid the pass-rush. Which is the trick, isn't it?
So the plan, in as much as it's worth having one - high-percentage plays on offence with an eye to the odd bomb. The important thing is to try and keep out of second, third-and-long situations where the Colts can just release the hounds. On defence, we'll try to at least slow Manning down by focussing on making life difficult in the passing game and taking our chances with Dominic Rhodes.
The over/under on how long that plan lasts is about a quarter and a half.
-
We lose the toss, natch, and are forced to kick, natch.
The teams' first possessions pass without much incident, but on their second drive the Peytonator goes looking for Dallas Clark on a post pattern over the middle, seemingly failing to notice Eric Barton lurking in a robber zone. He makes the interception, Curtis Martin crashes us down to the 2-yard line and we open the scoring with a dump-off to Chris Baker at the front of the endzone. Blimey. IND 0-7 NYJ
This is usually our cue to let a receiver get behind us and surrender a tying score immediately. And yet somehow... no. The Colts' drive stalls in their own half, and our offence is back out. Kellen Clemens takes a bit of a knock after getting the pass away for our first first down, so out comes Patrick Ramsey for his first snap of the regular season. His first play under centre is a sack for a 10-yard loss, but he quickly makes the fans forget about that with his second play, which is to throw an interception to a bloody defensive lineman.
Might have been a good call to start the rookie, on balance.
Dwight Freeney runs it back to the 1-yard line, Manning finds Harrison at the front right corner of the endzone, and it's all square. IND 7-7 NYJ
The rest of the half's rather less frenetic, with both offences stuggling a bit. We're working our conservative gameplan and the Peytonator seems to be having a few problems with the fact that we've an extra man in coverage on every single play. Then, about a minute before halftime, comes a game-breaking moment - 3rd and 4 from their 24, Peyton Manning drops back to throw. We get a bit of a push up the middle and hurry his pass, leading to it being just a fraction behind Marvin Harrison - straight to David Barrett. No-Mark goes up for the easy pick... and misses it completely. I know! I know! No-one was more surprised than me. Harrison makes the catch behind him and trots unmolested to the endzone to give Indianapolis their first lead of the game. Arse. IND 14-7 NYJ
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the sun, and Lavernanues Coles is the moon! Arise, fair moon, and kill the envious Colts... eh, what? Oh, sorry. What I mean to say, obviously, is that we come out in a single back trips bunch formation, from which Indianapolis somehow fail to cover the single competent receiver on our entire roster as he releases on a fade pattern down the right sideline. Strong safety Mike Doss eventually recognises trouble brewing and tries to get across, but far too late - Clemens drops a bomb right into Coles' hands, allowing him to stroll the last few steps into the endzone for a 61-yard touchdown pass. That'll be the half, then, and against all expectations it's still anyone's game. IND 14-14 NYJ
It's all about momentum, all about setting the pace in the second half, putting a stamp on the game... oh, nadgers. Kellen Clemens throws a pick to Nick Harper, and while we manage to hold the Colts at the first attempt the ensuing punt rolls aggravatingly to our 1-inch line. We can't move it, and tight to the backline Ben Graham's punt is a bit of a shank, sailing out at our 36. It's just not a good idea to hand Indianapolis great field position, and predictably they make us pay - it's all of three plays before Manning finds Dallas Clark from 12 yards out to get his team's nose back in front. The gloss is taken off the score a wee bit when we block the extra point though, and we're still right in this. IND 20-14 NYJ
With our running game suddenly having gone off the boil, it's up to the quarterback to make something happen. And miracle upon miracles - he does. Admittedly, he's helped somewhat by the Colts completely ignoring Curtis Martin as he ambles downfield on a wheel-route down the left sideline - Clemens gets the ball to him in the open field and 39 yards later it's first and goal at the 3. Indianapolis bring a heavy blitz on our right side, which means there's noone to cover Doug Jolley as he wanders into the endzone and turns around just in time for the ball to arrive at speed. The Nuge is still 100% on his place-kicks this year, which means the lead's changed hands AGAIN. IND 20-21 NYJ
We're not going to let them get their yardage in big chunks, but we can't stop them pushing the ball slowly and deliberately to around midfield. 2nd and 10, and Peyton Manning makes the spectaculary unwise decision to try and force the ball in to Dallas Clark with 3 Jet defenders in the near neighbourhood. Jonathon Vilma backpedals, gets up and tips the pass which bounces off Clark's facemask and right back into Vilma's hands. He's eventually brought down at the Colt 26, and this really is a chance we can't afford to spurn.
No risks, no fuss, just a lot of Curtis Martin - we'll accept the three points here rather than try anything clever that might give the ferocious Indianapolis pass-rush a chance to make a big play. 3rd and 4 at the 20, C-Mart smashes through the line for 6 yards. 3rd and inches from the 4, Kellen Clemens rolls out, sees everybody covered, pins back his ears and runs for his life, diving over the corner of the endzone a couple of seconds before some large gentlemen arrive to try and persuade him that that might be a bad idea. 2 minutes left and Christ, we might actually do this... IND 20-28 NYJ
The kickoff's good and high and deep, pinning the Colts inside their 20. First play of the drive, and Manning looks for his main man Harrison over the middle, without noticing that we've once again dropped a linebacker into the robber zone that's caused both his interceptions so far this afternoon. Both? Sorry, make that all three - Vilma once more Johnny-On-The-Spot to tighten our grip on the game. Indianpolis' last chance goes when Clemens finds Martin out of the backfield on 3rd and 2, allowing us to send in Patrick Ramsey for the only job he can be relied on not to screw up - taking a couple of knees to end the game.
Wow.
Final score - IND 20-28 NYJ
Wow.
Kellen Clemens is named AFC Offensive Player of the Week for his 219-yard, 3-TD, 1 rushing TD performance. Curtis Martin had exactly 100 yards on 27 carries, plus 44 more through the air.
Wow.
The defence did their part, with four sacks, three interceptions and, most importantly, holding the Colts to less than three yards a rush.
Wow.
I have no explaination. None. Other than blind pigs and how they relate to acorns, and the connection between sunshine and a dog's arse.
Or maybe my coaching genius. Yeah. That'll be it.
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Post by DC on Sept 3, 2006 14:04:44 GMT
The Colts are a piece of pish to beat. Stay deep and Manning tries hurling the ball 150 yards all the time rather than using the running game. Don't ask me why, but it always happens that way.[/DC]
You're overachieving. Stop it.
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Post by hornet on Sept 3, 2006 16:59:26 GMT
Week 5 - New York Jets (3-1) @ Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
We seem to have caught the Jaguars during the one game a year in which Fred Taylor is upright with two functioning knees, which is bothersome. As against that, the receiving corps isn't up to much, headed up by the speedy-but-inconsistent Matt Jones, and the consistent-but-sloooooooow Ernest Wilford. A genuinely excellent o-line protects Byron Leftwich, which is just as well because he looks like the all-Florida Musical Statues champion every time he drops back to pass.
With right defensive end Paul Spicer out, his replacement Bobby McCray is the only weak spot in a terrifying defensive line. Behind them, the linebacker unit is good but not great, and the secondary is great but not good. It's tough to see how we're going to move the ball at all to be honest, but hey - we beat the Indianpolis fricking Colts last week so how hard, I ask, can it be?
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Remember that bit in Any Given Sunday, when the cocky young quarterback has just had the game of his life and has an interview on telly with Dr. Cox off Scrubs? The bit where he's giving it the big I Am, saying that he's the greatest, how nobody can touch him, etc and so on? And then it suddenly cuts to his next game, where he's playing in what looks like monsoon season, up to his ankles in mud and water and nothing's going right and he's getting the bejesus beaten out of him by huge, knuckle-dragging linebackers who are illustrating in drawn-out and exquisitely painful fashion how pride generally cometh before a fall?
Well, we arrive in Jacksonville to look up and see slate-grey skies and torrential rain.
I'm just saying, is all.
The first quarter is a scrappy affair, albeit notably more scrappy on our side than theirs. On more than one occaision we need excellent/desperate/lucky (delete according to preference) plays on third down to force a punt, while we can't get anything going on offence at all. It only gets scrappier when the Jaguars put up their third punt of the day, Justin Miller lets the slippery ball squirt out of his arms and down to the sodden turf where it's scooped up by the Jacksonville gunner and run back to open the scoring.
Whoops. NYJ 0-7 JAC
We do answer back immediately, though - on third and short at our 40, we go to the play-pass which finds Doug Jolley sprinting free downfield on a slant route. Clemens makes no mistake with the pass and the tight end's only run down after 38 yards. After that it's back to business as usual, mind, and Mike Nugent is eventally called upon to knock a 46-yard field goal through the uprights NYJ 3-7 JAC
And that, gentle reader, is exactly the last thing we did right all afternoon. Oh, there was the hilarious run just before the half where Jacksonville sent out five receivers for three consecutive plays, leading to three consecutive Jonathon Vilma sacks and their eventually punting from 4th and 31, and a nice goal-line stand just after that which held the Jaguars to a field goal despite a first down at our 4 but other than that, yikes.
The game was effectively over on the first drive of the third quarter, when Kellen Clemens was hit while scrambling and fumbled the ball. Despite perfect coverage on the next play, Byron Leftwich dropped a perfect 40-yard bomb over Justin Miller's head into the hands of Matt Jones, and from there Fred Taylor punched the ball in to make it a two-touchdown lead that we could have played 'till doomsday without making up.
There's still time for Clemens to lob a couple of desperation interceptions while trying to kick-start the offence, but the fault's not really his. We couldn't get ANYTHING going, not the pass (between them the quarterbacks were 14 of 35, 182 yards, 5 sacks and 3 interceptions), not the run (Martin - 12 rushes, 17 yards), not anything. We held the Jags to only about 200 yards of offence, but crucially they only had one turnover to our five and could run the ball more-or-less at will. Ouchy. Looks like last week might have been a fluke after all. NYJ 3-17 JAC
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Post by DC on Sept 3, 2006 18:03:35 GMT
Madden for you. Run the ball with impunity one week, next week they have super predictive defence mode where they 'always' just manage to get an arm in the way, or blitz through your tackles. Swines.
At some point Horn you'll have to decide whether to collapse into obscurity (wait, did I saw 'collapse'...err, I meant 'muddle') to get an early pick in the draft - or make a fist of achieving the play-offs.
No doubt your draft board will be filled with the need for linebackers, just like you don't really need.
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Post by hornet on Sept 4, 2006 7:15:49 GMT
Week 6 - Miami Dolphins (2-3) @ New York Jets (3-2)
Christ! This team is AWESOME! Daunte Culpepper and his cannon arm, the excellent Ronnie Brown at halfback, and a kajillion targets in the passing game - Mister Speedy Chris Chambers, Mister Reliable Marty Booker, and a very good tight end in Randy McMichael. How come they're only 16th in the league on offence? Even if they've only got a half-decent offensive li... ah, now I see the problem. To be honest, things might be slightly better if their starting left tackle and guard weren't crocked, but even so - yikes. As they say in the Cobra Kai - a man can't stand, he can't fight. Still, nice to see LJ Shelton again.
The defence isn't the same scary unit of years past, either. The line's still good, Zach Thomas is still an elite player but those for aside and it's pretty thin pickings, including yes-it-definitely-is-him-this-time old mucker Renaldo Hill at the second cornerback slot. If we can get Laveranues Coles away from speedy-speedy corner Will Allen, nobody else on the team looks quick enough to live with him.
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Things start slow, with both teams punting on their first possession. Then all at once - action! Singleback, three wide, Coles in the slot. For some reason Miami come out in their base defence, including - ooh, this really doesn't look like a good idea - putting an linebacker on our resident rocket. Sure enough, Kellen Clemens avoids the initial rush, looks up and sees his man slanting downfield already five yards ahead of the poor sap trying to cover him. The pass hits Coles in-stride and it's off to the races. Our longest play of the year, a 73-yard touchdown. That's the way to do it! MIA 0-7 NYJ
It takes Culpepper going 3-for-3 for 52 yards to Marty Booker before it suddenly dawns that it might be an idea to put our slow but technically excellent corner on their slow but technically excellent receiver. D'oh! No-Mark Barrett swaps sides with Justin Miller and suddenly the yards dry up for Miami. Coincidence. Or is it? Or IS it? OR IS IT? Uh, yes, it probably is, since the play that killed the drive went nowhere near either of them, a 3rd and 6 pass to Justin Peele, who was dragged down inches short of the line by nickelback Andre Dyson, for whom tackling is normally just something that happens to other people. Olindo Mare hits the 36-yarder. MIA 3-7 NYJ
H-back, second tight end, outlet receiver and all-around hero Chris Baker is carted off on the first play of our third drive with what looks like a nasty leg injury. Fingers crossed. That it isn't, I mean. Still, Curtis Martin is picking up yardage all of a sudden and that's opening room for the pass. On 3rd and 3 from the Dolphin 19, we go to play-action to get backup tight end Joel Dressen open and he rumbles down to the 1 yard line. On the next play Miami don't pick up BJ Askew as the fullback ambles out of the backfield, and it's our second touchdown. MIA 3-14 NYJ
Miami refuse to be quietly killed off, though - on third and a bloody mile, Culpepper connects with a streaking Chris Chambers, and only a desperation tackle stops him going all the way to the endzone. Phew. We hold them there, and Mare's 47-yard field goal attempt drifts wide. Phew, redux. We're three and out, though, giving Miami one more chance for a score before the half. On second and long, they go to a four-wide set. We respond by playing our corners up in bump-and-run coverage and shifting Jonathon Vilma alongside Janet Ellis to give him a free run at the quarterback. The ball's snapped, and Vilma comes off the line like a guided missile - Ronnie Brown dives at his feet but the linebacker just vaults over him, barely breaking stride before colliding with Culpepper at a decent fraction of lightspeed. The quarterback goes down like a sack of spuds, the ball hitting the ground in a different postal code, where Ellis scoops it up and weebles 27 yards for a touchdown. Culpepper fails to get up, but so does Kimo von Oelhoffen on the other end of our line. Blimey. That was a fairly eventful fifteen seconds or so. Lucky we've all got halftime to catch our breath, eh? MIA 3-21 NYJ
During the break, injury news filters through - hilariously, Culpepper's sustained a broken jaw and will be out for at least eight weeks. Less hilariously, KVO (as he's known in these parts) has strained a knee, he's done for a fortnight - fortunately, we've got Bryan Thomas on the roster, so there's not that much of a talent drop. Even less hilariously, Chris Baker has broken his femur (or "his leg", for the Dolfans amongst you) and is done for the year. This is a problem.
Still, more pressing issues - Joey Harrington takes over under centre for Miami, his first play a huge heave-ho down the right sideline toward a double-covered Randy McMichael. Wouldn't you know it, the git makes the catch and gives them a first down at our 8. Harrington throws an incomplete pass into a crowd on first down, but two Ronnie Brown runs get the ball to about the one-foot line, where Miami go for... the field goal. Um. You do KNOW you're three scores down, don't you? Okay, okay, just checking. Surprisingly enough, Mare makes the kick that's shorter than an extra point. MIA 6-21 NYJ
I know it's early, but we're starting to think about working the clock. Besides, we're having success with the run, so why stop? The drive's 68 yards in nine runs and one pass that bounces off Justin McCareins' hands, ending with Curtis Martin crushing linebackers underfoot as he barrels over the line from 13 yards out. You have to think that's more or less game over. MIA 6-28 NYJ
Joey Harrington doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, though. With everything falling apart around him he converts three third-and-longs to keep the drive stumbling along, and his effort's rewarded when Ronnie Brown breaks a couple of tackles to score on a 10-yard run. Hmm. Brown gets the carry for the two-point conversion and makes that, too. Hmm, I say again. MIA 14-28 NYJ
Still, not a real issue, our offence is dominating at the moment so let's just move the ball and eat some time. We go to the play-pass on first down, the blitz is on and Clemens has the perfect opportunity to loft the ball over the rushers to BJ Askew. Which is what he does. Not part of the plan is Zach Thomas unloading on Askew, causing the fullback to cough up the ball which Thomas runs back 40 yards to narrow this to one score. And, oh Christ, Askew's not getting up... Honestly, this bloody game's starting to look like an episode of M.A.S.H. MIA 21-28 NYJ
Askew's torn a pectoral muscle, he's out for the rest of the game and will be questionable for next week. With Baker on his way to Injured Reserve, that means we're effectively fullbackless. Which means running out the clock's going to be trickier. Hmmm. 3rd and 8, Clemens looks for Coles on a crossing pattern. The pass is perfect, Coles picks up twelve yards... aaaand coughs up the ball after a hit by Traveres Tillman, which really, really sounds like a name that Madden would make up for a generated draft player. First down Miami at our 37. We're hanging on by our fingertips, here - third and long, and Harrington looks for McMichael deep behind our coverage. Somehow Andre Dyson, trailing three or four yards behind the tight end, closes enough while the ball's in the air to get up and JUST palm it away from the receiver. Jiminy Cricket. Mare lines up for a 55 yard field goal - this has to be a fake, doesn't it? Nope - up goes the kick, up and up and up, then down and down and down, smacking off the right upright and cannoning over the crossbar. Damn it. Three minutes left to play. MIA 24-28 NYJ
Damn.
First down at our 35, we're looking for a high-percentage completion to Coles on a hitch pattern, but the ball's knocked down. Double damn. Second down, we see Miami with its defence spread wide in the nickel, and audible into a halfback dive, but there's a catastrophic blocking breakdown and Martin's hit behind the line of scrimmage. Triple damn with a side-order of blast. Third and ten, then. Singleback, two tight ends. Clemens takes the snap and rolls out, but the coverage is terrific. Just as he's about to pull the ball down and get what he can on the ground, backup tight end Joel Dressen appears, dragging sloooooowly from the other side of the field behind the linebackers' zone. Clemens lets the ball go, Dressen brings it in and turns upfield, breaks a tackle and flops past the first down marker, just about staying inbounds as he does so. Phew. Two minute warning.
Nothing clever here. If we get the first down, great, but we've gotten to halfway and the main idea now is to drain Miami's three timeouts and pin them deep. Three runs net us seven yards, Miami use two of their three timeouts and let the clock tick down. There's just one minute to play when Ben Graham booms the punt, angled and sailing out inside the ten. A figgie's no good for the Dolphins, they're going to have to dri... what's this? Flag on the play! Miami are flagged for running into the kicker, a five yard penalty that's enough to give us a first down and effectively end the game.
Another 100-yard game for Curtis Martin, needing 25 carries to get to the milestone. Laveranues Coles is the only receiver to put up any numbers at all - 3 catches for 89 yards and a TD, while Kellen Clemens had one of his more efficient days, amassing just 168 yards but with 2 scores and a 66% completion percentage. After his ten-tackle day last week, Jonathon Vilma is the star on defence again - 8 tackles, 2 sacks and a forced fumble.
Wow. Got away with one, there. MIA 24-28 NYJ
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Post by coffers on Sept 4, 2006 7:31:50 GMT
You're putting up a good showing Horn, especially considering your preamble had me thinking you'd be lucky to go 0-16 or something. ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) Obvoiously this is doing nothing for your draft position at the end of the season though. KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by hornet on Sept 4, 2006 7:47:12 GMT
Weak schedule, Coffs. We got to play the Bills minus Willis McGahee, the Phish minus half their offensive line, the Titans don't need any injuries to suck and God knows what happened against the Colts.
To be honest, I'm a bit worried we're going to make the playoffs. We get to play Miami and Buffalo again, plus Detroit, Cleveland and Houston - we could easily go 9-7 or even 10-6, here. Which, as you say, wouldn't do the rebuilding process any good at all.
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