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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 8, 2006 19:55:23 GMT
Starring Kevin Smith as Danny Hortner, Robson Green as Moo Ski, Thom Yorke as Da Cheat and Ardal O'Hanlon with a bag of chips as Mr Bismarck, in a thrilling tale of some fat blokes standing around, looking at the Atlantic ocean and going "tsk."
Or, it could be about the new hattrick team, with games that kicked off, well, right about now.
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Post by Moo on Aug 8, 2006 21:02:09 GMT
How do I get Robson Green? He's really ugl.... oh, I see.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 8, 2006 21:21:55 GMT
The Squad. Our starting lineup for our first ever game is as follows : GK : Darren Hagehann, 28 In a theme that you'll see repeated often, Darren needs a shave and then some talent. He's 28 years old and has been duffing around the lower leagues since he was 16. He'll keep the gloves warm for a while, but then will be getting the trap door treatment. DEF : Danny "Boy" McCarthy, 25 Danny's listed as uptight and it's little wonder as he's been bald as a coot since he was thirteen years old, when he fell out of a tree while scrumping for apples in Duncan Goodhew's back garden. He grew a silly beard to compensate for a head smoother than Shakira's thighs, but he is considering shaving it off, because his mum keeps phoning up and leaving messages on his answerphone where she just laughs for six minutes. DEF : Paul "Paul" Baker, 26After a lack of shaving equipment and a lack of talent, the third most popular thing to do on the Bismarck Kickers is to be called Paul. There are already three Pauls in the squad and Paul Baker sealed his position as the Uber-Paul, by paying to change his middle name to Paul too and then nicknaming himself Paul. So he's know called Paul Paul "Paul" Baker. In your face, Paul Aspinwall! DEF : Marcin Doros, 17The first player brought to Bedfordshire under the new regime was, appropriately, a Pole. Since the expansion of the EU, the county has been fucking crawling with them. At 17, Marcin isn't old enough to have dodgy facial hair, so he settles for a laughable haircut instead. DEF : Paul Alan, 28We haven't had a Paul for a while, so here's one, just to tide you over. Amusingly, Paul looks a little like Paul Paul "Paul", only grumpier, because he's not the alpha-Paul any more. MID : Jean Aubry, 17Despite having a French name, or a girl's name, young Jean is from Spaii and was the Bismarck's third purchase, after Marcin Doros and a bottle of Bombay sapphire gin. He will be one of many thrusting young bucks who get a run out in what we laughably describe as a midfield this season. MID : Stuart "Dart" Moore, 22Cheer up Stu, for fuck's sake! You're a professional footballer! Ok, so not a very good one and you've got silly hair, but you get paid £453 a week for poncing around our midfield, which is the next best thing to robbery, you talentless cock. Give us a smile! MID : Wicher van Vianen, 17After the early success in signing players and after most of the bottle of Bombay Sapphire we made into our second signing, I went out and lashed some money on a smiling Dutch fella. Look at hish big grin and hish masshiv eyebrowsh! MID : Dhaumaketu Agarwal , 25Rounding out the collection of buffons who fill up the middle portion of our ground is Welsh seaside village turned professional footballer Dhaumaketu Agarwal by the sea. Errol Brown Dhaumaketu is apparently a pleasant guy to have about the place, which is lovely. Maybe he knows a few jokes to keep me entertained while I write out his P45. FWD : Gordon Hurman, 26Not content with having a silly name, Mr Hurman also have the most obvious wig in the division. King Syrup's magic barnet will be with us for as little time as possible, before he's sold to some lab for experimental medicines. FWD : Simon Hollander, 22Simon, you have a very fat head. It's one of the things I like about you and is the reason I picked you in front of the other two Pauls. Our tactics will involve people trying to kick the ball against your fat head at such an angle that the ball bounces into the goal. There are other players, many of whom are called Paul, but outside of this 11, who cares.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 8, 2006 21:54:56 GMT
Our first game of the season is a friendly against some tossers from Hertfordshire, who'll no doubt dirty up the nice shiny stadium we have with issues of the St Albans on Sunday of some such.
It had been raining, in sunny Luton, all day long and, just to make sure that there'd be none of the silky midfield skills we'd been warned about by Hortner's midfield, we went and watered the grass even more. Then curled off a Boston Steamer in the goal mouth.
Unfortunately, Hortner won the toss and decided to attack the Turd End in the first half.
The sides were as follows :
Brave Bismarck Boys : Hagehann - McCarthy, Baker, Doros, Alan - Aubry, Moore, van Vianen, Agarwal - Hurman, Hollander.
Obese Garston Gits : Fatty Helmore - Tubby O´Byrne, Chubby Weasley, Cuddly Mitrofanis, Massive Mahon - Chunky Chan, Butterball Frattini, Lardy Harle, Supersize Stridén - Big Boned Rutherford, Fatty McFat Fat Finos
Six minutes into the game and the Unathletics are left to rue the day they didn't bring any Pauls with them, as Paul "Alan" Alan got his head to a corner and flicked the ball on to Paul Paul "Paul" Baker, who opened the scoring.
It only took a quarter of an hour for Bismarck to double their lead, as Danny "Boy" McCarthy forgot his defensive duties to squirm through the defence for 2-0, both goals coming from defenders.
A minute later, with Unathletic midfielder Philip Mahon still moaning about the waterlogged pitch, it was Paul Alan Alan who made it 3-0 with the goal of the day, as he cut in from the left fullback position to fire a long range effort past the visiting keeper.
At half time it was 3-0, all three goals had come from defenders and Bismarck had held the ball for 71% of the time.
From there on, we sat back to soak up the pressure, yet somehow got caught twice on the break. The first time, Garston scored a lucky goal as lucky Argos "Rabbits Foot" Finos grabbed a lucky opener.
Soon after Luke O'Byrne nearly spawned a second, but Hagehann held onto the shot and the score remained 3-1 to the close.
Paul Baker was clearly voted man of the match, which buoyed the massive home gate, sending them home happy. All 71 of them.
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Post by Sonic on Aug 9, 2006 3:28:40 GMT
It looks like you've got a team of early developers, take a look at Jean Aubry. He can't be 17.
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Post by coffers on Aug 9, 2006 7:39:53 GMT
None of them look like thay are 17 Sonic. They're an ugly bunch of bostords that's for sure. A typical Sunday League bunch if I ever saw one.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 9, 2006 9:34:44 GMT
But Jean looks like Meej! Oh, I see what you mean.
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Post by hornet on Aug 9, 2006 13:58:52 GMT
Well, if you're going to cheat by buying some good less crap players, then what do you expect?
29% posession I think is a stat I can be proud of. I suspect it's partly my own fault for being bedazzled by Hunter Fratini's Set Pieces score and finding a place for him despite his being crap in pretty much every other respect.
Ho hum.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 9, 2006 14:56:22 GMT
Don't worry, DC finished his first game with a whopping 6.5% possession. And lost 6-0.
Moo lost 5-0, but then he played a Belgian up front.
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Post by hornet on Aug 9, 2006 14:58:12 GMT
An imaginary striker? Innovative.
I remember Chelsea trying a similar plan a few years ago with Chris Sutton.
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Post by Moo on Aug 9, 2006 15:07:56 GMT
I'm giving him experience.
Or rather I messed up.
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Post by Sonic on Aug 10, 2006 3:33:03 GMT
I'd stick with the Experience excuse, it actually sounds blausible.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 14, 2006 9:35:59 GMT
The Bismarck's next game is on wednesday, when we face up for some hot cup action.
We're playing a team managed by an ass bot, so it'll be red faces all around if we lose. Even though we still have to play a vanilla 4-4-2, because of the license system.
We also followed Horn's and Moos' examples and splashed out on a foreign forward, because it went so well for them.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 15, 2006 21:11:36 GMT
Off we go then, to sunny Norfolk, home of the budgie-fuckers, to play against the Norfolk Rangers. Which is like the Space Rangers, only with more incest. Our starting 11 would feature a new face, that of Norwegian forward Melker Granbratt who had signed on for a whopping £10,667. Sherriff Wiggum, Gordon Hurman would drop to the bench to make way for the giant Shandylander. So the team stuck out for the start of the game, in a plain 4-4-2 formation was: Hagehann - McCarthy, Baker ©, Doros, Alan - Aubry, Moore, van Vianen, Agarwal - Hollander, Granbratt. 7000 fans had shown up for the game, all quite happy to get a thorough soaking, watching their beloved bird-fiddlers get a good thorough humping, hopefully. The Norfolk boys were also turned out in a plain 4-4-2, so there'd be no trickery, just mano a mano a budgio. It wasn't a great start for the brave Bismarck boys as we fell behind in just the 14th minute, with a goal from Chris Crane and it could have been 2-0 just seconds later, but thankfully Christian Buchan fired over the top. We battled back to level the scores on 23 minutes, which would bring a smile to anyone's face - anyone but miserable Stuart Moore, who scored with a soaring header, from a Marcin Doros corner. We then followed Norfolk's lead, by spurning a chance for a second goal, as Danny McCarthy saw his shot saved by Maurice Dict. Being called "Mo Dict" must have made for a fun school life. Then, well, nothing happened really. First there was fifteen minutes of nothing, as the teams broke for halftime. Then there was another 37 minutes of nothing, as the commentary team didn't make it out of the complimentary bar. They finally staggered back to the media box in the 82 minute, when newboy Melker Granbratt almost made them spill their pints with excitement, only for Mo Dict to go down at his feet. Dict was, apparently, as "fast as a snake." Now I'm no Richard Attenborough, but I didn't think snakes were all that fast. Then it all went a bit pair shaped, as first Simon Hollander was booked and then with seven minutes to play, Mo Dict scored a penalty to make it 2-1 to Norfolk. Yes, their goalie scored for them. That would probably be it then... almost certainly so, when Dict went up to take a free kick which scraped the crossbar, thankfully going over the top. But, hold on... it's Spaiiard Jean Aubry to the rescue, as he sends in an early cross and Dhaumaketu Agarwal-by the sea makes it 2-2 with a cheeky chip. Two minutes to play and it's a tense game, heading for extra time when... ooh, thank you very much! The home team's defence gets in a muddle and Simon Hollander makes it 3-2 Bismarck!Surely the Norfolkers can't equalise n... no, no they can't, because miserable Stuart Moore somehow conjures up a scissors kick, to smash home a goal for 4-2!HIGHLIGHTS1-0 Chris Crane (14) 1-1 Stuart Moore (23) 2-1 Maurice Dict (84) 2-2 Dhaumaketu Agarwal (86) 2-3 Simon Hollander (88) 2-4 Stuart Moore (89) Simon Hollander (83) Other results : Rogers QCA 5-1 Milburn FC (Moo) (DC) Tunnock Bar Rangers 0-2 Shoreditch Wild Rovers (Horn) Garston Unathletic 0-2 Kearton
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Post by Sonic on Aug 16, 2006 1:24:30 GMT
Wow, what a finish! Getting in a scissor kick is especially rare. I bet you were having a heart attack after this game :humb:
Quick, get the defibrilators ready.
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Post by coffers on Aug 16, 2006 7:34:28 GMT
Typical Sunday League stuff, 4 oals in the last 7 minutes. Class!
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Post by Moo on Aug 16, 2006 8:12:26 GMT
I forgot all about this. Maybe I need to revise some stuff.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 20, 2006 18:52:28 GMT
Our first league game of the season and it's always going to be trouble, as the Total Skill Index (TSI) or our starting eleven equals 8,310. Our opponents will be fielding five players whose TSI is higher than that on their own.
So, what do you do when you're going to get really, seriously humped? Well, I'm not sure about the real world, but in Hattrick you tell your guys not to bother too much and end up with a worse scoreline, but happier players. I had predicted a 7-0 or 8-0 drubbing, but it turns out I was wrong, by a goal, as we crash to a 9-0 defeat.
Excuse me, while I go find the vaseline and plasters.
HIGHLIGHTS 1-0 Jack Frostenman (10) 2-0 Mathias Oskarsson (38) 3-0 Rasmus Nørager (41) 4-0 Jack Frostenman (42) 5-0 Hugo Negro (43) 6-0 Fabio Mansveld (64) 7-0 Hugo Negro (72) 8-0 Rik Cromvoort (80) 9-0 Rik Cromvoort (87) Other results :
DanspaN FC 0-7 Milburn FC (Moo) [Well done Moo, you lucky canute!] European Champs 2005 2-1 Tunnock Bar Rangers (DC) Cas Hat 0-2 Garston Unathletic (Gorn)
All three of the other divots ended up playing against ten men at the final whistle.
Thankfully, next week we aren't playing a team relegated from the division above us, so we might actually show up. The midfield boost I'll receive from "playing it cool" this weekend should help too.
Before then, we have a midweek cup match against a team called "Force of Gilgamesh" of have one player with a TSI of 262,110. Yes, that's not a typo.
So, at least I'll be able to concentrate on the league after that. :moop:
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Post by Sonic on Aug 21, 2006 2:32:25 GMT
:cab: Ah, well done?
Phew, I thought I'd messed up this reply. Now I can breathe easier, though that's probably not until at least until I've clicked out of this thread.
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Post by coffers on Aug 21, 2006 7:45:51 GMT
Ouch.
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Post by Moo on Aug 21, 2006 14:27:00 GMT
I suppose I should really go and look at that now. 7-0? Wowsers....
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Post by Boony on Aug 21, 2006 14:44:52 GMT
Hugo Negro? What a fine name. Unlucky, s1ugt, 9-0 is somewhat of a pasting. Good luck in the cup :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 21, 2006 15:26:42 GMT
If I keep it below double figures in the cup I'll be happy. I'm playing it cool again, so in the league game after that my midfield should be in kick ass from from two weeks of swanning about going "this lot are quite good!"
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 26, 2006 11:06:44 GMT
Another day, another cup game another chance to get really seriously hammered as we face the Gilgamesh, who have one player who could probably beat my team 5-0 on his own.
Predictably, Mircea Stefãnescu, (TSI : 259,420), leads his team out against the brave Bismarck boys, (combined TSI : 8,310), on the first sunny day to strike Luton this season. I presume it's lost.
3,340 folks have nothing better to do than come and laugh at us, but are feeling slightly disappointed when it turns out the Gilgamesh are not playing any of their starting midfielders and only one recognised forward. Not that he's not taking us seriously or anything.
So no prizes for guessing which side controlled the first half, peppering Darren Hagehann's goal with shot after shot and sealing 72% of the possession. So it's ufortunate for Gilgamesh that a couple go close, one hits the bar and Hagehann saves the rest, so we head for the break at 0-0.
So it's important that we get off to a qui... ahh, crap. Right at the start of the second half Swede Arturo Mezzalira, (a very Swedish name, that), bangs in the opener for 1-0.
What we need then is a gilt edged chance - just one. We haven't had a shot on goal yet, but if we can work just one opportunity, we might be able to do something. It's clear that Gilgamesh's win streak, combined with our incompetence is sending their confidence through the roof and we could sneak something, if only we get a ch... PENALTY!
New boy Marcin Doros steps up for the spot kick and... crap. The Gilgamesh keeper turns the ball over the bar and the chance has gone.
Right near the end, the visitors grab a second, through Peter Lucey, but that ends the Bismarck cup run.
Lucky then, that cups are for girls.
HIGHLIGHTS 0-1 Arturo Mezzalira (48) 0-2 Peter Lucey (84)
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Aug 28, 2006 12:06:17 GMT
Bismarck vs 1690 Loyal FcSunday night and time to timidly poke our noses back into the league, following our 9-0 drubbing last week. We've had a bit of a shuffle around as, following Paul Baker's excellent start to the season, the 27 year old Captain gets moved from centre half to right midfield. Melker Granbratt starts up front with Simon Hollander and Paul Aspinwall comes into central midfield in place of Wicher van Vianen, who has been quite disappointing so far. The starting 11, in a 4-4-2 system is : Hagehann - MacRob, Parmenter, McCarthy, Aubry - Baker ©, Birmingham, Aspinwall, Agarwal - Hollander, Granbratt. 1,775 fans ventured out to Luton's second sunny day of the season, and they were soon singing merrily as Simon Hollander opened the scoring on just five minutes. The game ebbed and flowed for the next 15 minutes, but then two bits of bad news landed back-to-back as first Dhaumaketu Agarwal takes a bad tackle and has to leave with a shin injury, causing Captain Baker to pick up a yellow for complaining and then the Loyals equalise with a goal from the bastard lovechild of Hank Marvin and Pierce Brosnan. On the half hour our lead as back, as Paul Baker starts a move down the right and the ball breaks to Melker Granbratt who sidefoots home for 2-1. The Loyals push forward, but this is a mistake as we counter and Simon Hollander heads home for 3-1, which is the score at the break. Appropriately, the teams run out for the second half to the strains of Muse's Map Of The Problematique, Matthew Bellamy belting out "Fear and Panic in the air" as the visiting defence walk out. Devon's finest rock band prove prescient indeed as Anton Birmingham swings in a corner and miserable Stuart Moore, only on the field to replace the injured Agarwal, heads home for 4-1. After missing a sitter in the 58th minute Somerled McRob finally does make it 5-1 with a neat header. No one's laughing at your name now, Somerled! We complete the route with 10 minutes to play, as Granbratt joins Simon Hollander on a brace cooly finishing a one-on-one with the keeper for 6-1. Unsurprisingly, Paul Baker was Bismarck's man of the match again, while subpar Paul, Paul Aspinwall was voted donkey for the day and will have to spend the week wearing a pink skirt to training. HIGHLIGHTS1-0 Simon Hollander (5) 1-1 Hank Brosnan (18) 2-1 Melker Granbratt (30) 3-1 Simon Hollander (36) 4-1 Stuart Moore (51) 5-1 Somerled MacRob (75) 6-1 Melker Granbratt (80) Paul Baker StandingsPos Team P Fr Ag Pts 1. fc ringwraiths 9 2 16 0 6 2. BrockhamBadgers 2 12 1 6 3. Man Doodles 2 5 5 3 4. Nizel FC 2 4 5 3 5. Sink the Bismarck 2 6 10 3 6. 1690 Loyal Fc 2 4 8 3 7. pinner albion 2 2 10 0 8. Higgins' Hobos 2 1 11 0
Next Week : BrockhamBadgers vs Sink the Bismarck Other Results(Moo) Milburn FC 0-3 the mighty dons (DC) Tunnock Bar Rangers 5-0 Warwickshire FC (Horn) Garston Unathletic 3-0 Cumbria City
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