Post by hornet on Nov 4, 2009 10:38:15 GMT
Blame Moo. And the fact that my team's doing well. But mostly Moo.
PART THE FIRST - CELLAR DWELLERS
"Fuzzy or 800's going to win. I like Dave and Moo's teams, too. Coffs and I have the best chance of falling flat on our faces. Signed, Wellington."
Well, two out of six ain't bad. If my post-draft analysis teaches you nothing else, it should teach you this: I have no idea what I'm talking about.
COFFERS' CHOKERS (2-6)
So What's Gone Wrong?
In two words: the draft. Coffs' keepers have largely produced and his free-agent pickups during the season haven't been bad, but almost without exception every single player he drafted has been enjoying a two-month holiday at Hotel Mediocrity. TJ Whosyerdaddy have been sunk by his team's injuries and quarterback situation. Pierre Thomas has been sunk by his injuries and his team's running-back-by-committee. Santonio Holmes has been sunk by the weird lack of passing touchdowns in Pittsburgh. Coffs badly needs reliable production from at least one of that group and thus far he's not getting it.
So What's Gone Right?
Vernon Davis is the top TE in the game in terms of fantasy points per game played, thanks in large part to the breakout three-TD game he had in Week 7. Naturally, he was added to Coffs' roster in Week 8.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
Coffs' prospects are maybe a little better than his record would indicate, particularly if his geriatric quarterbacks hold up and he starts picking the right one of them every week. Roddy White has been outstanding, and DeAngelo Williams is perfectly servicable as a RB1. If he can get someone - anyone - to make the W/R/T spot their own, a .500 finish certainly isn't out of the question.
Draft-tastic: Pierre Thomas (1st) (About the 15th back taken, currently the 18th best RB in PPG. And that level of slight underperformance really is the gold standard for Coffs' draft picks.)
Keeper? Hurler, More Like: Clinton Portis (A victim of age and the Indidgenous-Persons sucking something awful.)
Bargain Hunt: Brett Favre (FA) (Let's hope he doesn't go into the sort of Uncontrollable Fucking Tailspin that wrecked the second half of the Jets' season last year. Yeah. Let's hope that doesn't happen. That'd be terrible. Similarly, let's hope he doesn't get his stupid gormless self-aggrandising face stuck in a combine harvester or anything.)
TORONTO STORM (3-5)
So What's Gone wrong?
In two words: running backs. Picking last in the draft was always going to put him at a disadvantage, and the Bairn badly needed keeper Brian Westbrook to prop up a group of by-committee types (Derrick Ward, Jonathon Stewart). In practice, Westbrook has proven to be more fragile than an emo blown-glass cannon. Shuffling the pack to try out yet more second bananas like Tim Hightower, Kia Picanto Williams and Ahmad Bradshaw hasn't noticably helped.
So What's Gone Right?
Vincent Jackson, a shining lighthouse of hope in an wide grey desolate ocean of awful receivers.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
On the upside, the Bairn won't have to worry about his crappy draft position next year.
Draft-tastic: Matt Schaub (4th) (Outstanding when he's had two working knees.)
Keeper? Hurler, More Like: Terrell Owens (Who could have predicted that an aging and overrated serial malcontent going to a terrible team with a platoon of sucky quarterbacks might not work out?)
Bargain Hunt: Michael Crabtree (FA) (And when you're giving this award to a receiver who's got fewer than 140 yards in two games and whose value is almost entirely as a keeper for next year, it's safe to say you're looking at a team whose waiver-wire pickups haven't been up to much.)
CHARLOTTE CHEVY NOVA (3-5)
So What's Gone Wrong?
In two words: running backs (slight return). There are 19 backs in the league that are averaging more than 12 points per game. Dave's got exactly none of them, which is the sort of thing that happens when you draft Larry Johnson in the first round and LenDale White in the 4th. His best back in terms of scoring is Steve Slaton, who a) was just benched for coughing up his fifth fumble of the season, and b) is currently being out-produced by Tim Fucking Hightower.
So what's Gone Right?
Dave's wide receiver corps is well above average - Randy Moss, Hines Ward, Devin Hester, Sidney Rice and the (hopefully) resurgant Braylon Edwards.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
There are definite strengths to this team, but that RB issue is a millstone that's going to drag them down all year unless something miraculous happens. Best guess, they'll finish right about where they are now.
Draft-tastic: Aaron Rodgers (2nd) (The only more productive QBs in the league are Manning The Elder, Brady and Brees. Pretty impressive for a bloke who's spent most of the season running for his life behind a rotten o-line.)
Keeper? Hurler More Like: Brandon Jacobs (Just doesn't look anything like the unstoppable force he was last year)
Bargain Hunt: Sidney Rice (FA) (Brett Favre's safety blanket - see Driver, Donald.)
PORTLAND DUKES (3-5)
So What's Gone Wrong?
In two words: roster depth. Moo's gone full Madden on us, with exactly one good skill player at every position. Tom Brady! David Garrard. Thomas Jones! Matt Forte. Heath Miller! John Carlson. Really Johnson! Every other receiver on Moo's team. Special mention has to be given to Moo's early draft performance, though - in the second through fifth rounds he picked Roy Williams, Darren McFadden, Braylon Edwards (sucky pre-trade version) and Beanie Wells. I mean, crivens. More busts there than in the Playboy Mansion.
So What's Gone Right?
To be fair, Moo's good guys are really good. Brady and Really are both in the top three most productive players at their position.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
Dunno, I can't escape the nagging feeling that this team's still a bit frisky. Leon Washington going down in New York might add even more value to Thomas Jones, and the Brady/Really combo are still capable of winning weeks on their own. If, f'rinstance, LDT goes down in San Diego and Darren Sproles becomes their starter this will turn into a team that nobody wants to face in the second half of the season.
Draft-tastic: Thomas Jones (1st) (3rd highest-scoring back in the game, although that's skewed slightly by the fact the Jets only have their bye this week.)
Keeper? Hurler More Like: Matt Forte (Completely boned by the impolosion of the Bears' offensive line. Or by Jay Cutler, if you're Moo.)
Bargain Hunt: Heath Miller (FA) (How the cock did Heath Miller go undrafted? And while we're on the subject, how the cock did Moo draft two tight ends neither of whom were Heath Miller?)
PART THE FIRST - CELLAR DWELLERS
"Fuzzy or 800's going to win. I like Dave and Moo's teams, too. Coffs and I have the best chance of falling flat on our faces. Signed, Wellington."
Well, two out of six ain't bad. If my post-draft analysis teaches you nothing else, it should teach you this: I have no idea what I'm talking about.
COFFERS' CHOKERS (2-6)
So What's Gone Wrong?
In two words: the draft. Coffs' keepers have largely produced and his free-agent pickups during the season haven't been bad, but almost without exception every single player he drafted has been enjoying a two-month holiday at Hotel Mediocrity. TJ Whosyerdaddy have been sunk by his team's injuries and quarterback situation. Pierre Thomas has been sunk by his injuries and his team's running-back-by-committee. Santonio Holmes has been sunk by the weird lack of passing touchdowns in Pittsburgh. Coffs badly needs reliable production from at least one of that group and thus far he's not getting it.
So What's Gone Right?
Vernon Davis is the top TE in the game in terms of fantasy points per game played, thanks in large part to the breakout three-TD game he had in Week 7. Naturally, he was added to Coffs' roster in Week 8.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
Coffs' prospects are maybe a little better than his record would indicate, particularly if his geriatric quarterbacks hold up and he starts picking the right one of them every week. Roddy White has been outstanding, and DeAngelo Williams is perfectly servicable as a RB1. If he can get someone - anyone - to make the W/R/T spot their own, a .500 finish certainly isn't out of the question.
Draft-tastic: Pierre Thomas (1st) (About the 15th back taken, currently the 18th best RB in PPG. And that level of slight underperformance really is the gold standard for Coffs' draft picks.)
Keeper? Hurler, More Like: Clinton Portis (A victim of age and the Indidgenous-Persons sucking something awful.)
Bargain Hunt: Brett Favre (FA) (Let's hope he doesn't go into the sort of Uncontrollable Fucking Tailspin that wrecked the second half of the Jets' season last year. Yeah. Let's hope that doesn't happen. That'd be terrible. Similarly, let's hope he doesn't get his stupid gormless self-aggrandising face stuck in a combine harvester or anything.)
TORONTO STORM (3-5)
So What's Gone wrong?
In two words: running backs. Picking last in the draft was always going to put him at a disadvantage, and the Bairn badly needed keeper Brian Westbrook to prop up a group of by-committee types (Derrick Ward, Jonathon Stewart). In practice, Westbrook has proven to be more fragile than an emo blown-glass cannon. Shuffling the pack to try out yet more second bananas like Tim Hightower, Kia Picanto Williams and Ahmad Bradshaw hasn't noticably helped.
So What's Gone Right?
Vincent Jackson, a shining lighthouse of hope in an wide grey desolate ocean of awful receivers.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
On the upside, the Bairn won't have to worry about his crappy draft position next year.
Draft-tastic: Matt Schaub (4th) (Outstanding when he's had two working knees.)
Keeper? Hurler, More Like: Terrell Owens (Who could have predicted that an aging and overrated serial malcontent going to a terrible team with a platoon of sucky quarterbacks might not work out?)
Bargain Hunt: Michael Crabtree (FA) (And when you're giving this award to a receiver who's got fewer than 140 yards in two games and whose value is almost entirely as a keeper for next year, it's safe to say you're looking at a team whose waiver-wire pickups haven't been up to much.)
CHARLOTTE CHEVY NOVA (3-5)
So What's Gone Wrong?
In two words: running backs (slight return). There are 19 backs in the league that are averaging more than 12 points per game. Dave's got exactly none of them, which is the sort of thing that happens when you draft Larry Johnson in the first round and LenDale White in the 4th. His best back in terms of scoring is Steve Slaton, who a) was just benched for coughing up his fifth fumble of the season, and b) is currently being out-produced by Tim Fucking Hightower.
So what's Gone Right?
Dave's wide receiver corps is well above average - Randy Moss, Hines Ward, Devin Hester, Sidney Rice and the (hopefully) resurgant Braylon Edwards.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
There are definite strengths to this team, but that RB issue is a millstone that's going to drag them down all year unless something miraculous happens. Best guess, they'll finish right about where they are now.
Draft-tastic: Aaron Rodgers (2nd) (The only more productive QBs in the league are Manning The Elder, Brady and Brees. Pretty impressive for a bloke who's spent most of the season running for his life behind a rotten o-line.)
Keeper? Hurler More Like: Brandon Jacobs (Just doesn't look anything like the unstoppable force he was last year)
Bargain Hunt: Sidney Rice (FA) (Brett Favre's safety blanket - see Driver, Donald.)
PORTLAND DUKES (3-5)
So What's Gone Wrong?
In two words: roster depth. Moo's gone full Madden on us, with exactly one good skill player at every position. Tom Brady! David Garrard. Thomas Jones! Matt Forte. Heath Miller! John Carlson. Really Johnson! Every other receiver on Moo's team. Special mention has to be given to Moo's early draft performance, though - in the second through fifth rounds he picked Roy Williams, Darren McFadden, Braylon Edwards (sucky pre-trade version) and Beanie Wells. I mean, crivens. More busts there than in the Playboy Mansion.
So What's Gone Right?
To be fair, Moo's good guys are really good. Brady and Really are both in the top three most productive players at their position.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
Dunno, I can't escape the nagging feeling that this team's still a bit frisky. Leon Washington going down in New York might add even more value to Thomas Jones, and the Brady/Really combo are still capable of winning weeks on their own. If, f'rinstance, LDT goes down in San Diego and Darren Sproles becomes their starter this will turn into a team that nobody wants to face in the second half of the season.
Draft-tastic: Thomas Jones (1st) (3rd highest-scoring back in the game, although that's skewed slightly by the fact the Jets only have their bye this week.)
Keeper? Hurler More Like: Matt Forte (Completely boned by the impolosion of the Bears' offensive line. Or by Jay Cutler, if you're Moo.)
Bargain Hunt: Heath Miller (FA) (How the cock did Heath Miller go undrafted? And while we're on the subject, how the cock did Moo draft two tight ends neither of whom were Heath Miller?)