Post by floplexter on Jan 31, 2006 9:12:22 GMT
Similar to the Chuck Norris/Mr T, but still worth a giggle:
These are the facts about Roy Keane:
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Roy Keane
allows to live.
When Roy Keane goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Roy Keane is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
Roy Keane is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
You are what you eat. That is why Roy Keane's diet consists entirely of
bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Roy Keane can divide by zero.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an
immovable object" was finally solved when Roy Keane punched himself in
the face.
Roy Keane invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of
visible light. Except pink. Mick McCarthy invented pink.
Roy Keane doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Roy Keane what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he Brutally stamps you in the
face.
Roy Keane uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1971, the year Roy Keane was born, Brutally stamping related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Roy Keane.
It was once believed that Roy Keane actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Roy Keane himself to lure more pirates to
him.
Roy Keane once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a gaelic
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Roy kicked the
baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl
in the stadium.
When Roy Keane's wife burned the turkey one Christmas, Roy said, "Don't
worry about it darlin'," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up
a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a brutal
stamping to the face and said, "Never question Roy Keane."
Those aren't credits that roll after match of the day; it is actually a
list of people that Roy Keane brutally stamped in the face that day.
Roy Keane once brutally stamped on someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Roy Keane does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Roy Keane instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he penned
the word to the Soldiers Song in Irish then English (So the cunts knew
what he was on about).
Roy Keane built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination.
As Oswald shot, Roy met all three bullets with his tadger, deflecting
them.
JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Roy Keane sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled football ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Roy Brutally stamped the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Roy Keane if his real name is "Royston". Roy Keane did
not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Roy Keane recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Roy Keane can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"bejesus".
Roy Keane does not sleep. He waits.
Roy Keane once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Roy Keane is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Roy Keane. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Roy Keane often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
Brutally stamps them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
If you can see Roy Keane, he can see you. If you can't see Roy Keane you
may be only seconds away from death.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Roy Keane.
Roy Keane took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity."
then you are dead wrong.
Roy Keane uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Roy Keane to die before they
attack
These are the facts about Roy Keane:
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Roy Keane
allows to live.
When Roy Keane goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Roy Keane is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
Roy Keane is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
You are what you eat. That is why Roy Keane's diet consists entirely of
bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Roy Keane can divide by zero.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an
immovable object" was finally solved when Roy Keane punched himself in
the face.
Roy Keane invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of
visible light. Except pink. Mick McCarthy invented pink.
Roy Keane doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Roy Keane what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he Brutally stamps you in the
face.
Roy Keane uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1971, the year Roy Keane was born, Brutally stamping related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Roy Keane.
It was once believed that Roy Keane actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Roy Keane himself to lure more pirates to
him.
Roy Keane once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a gaelic
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Roy kicked the
baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl
in the stadium.
When Roy Keane's wife burned the turkey one Christmas, Roy said, "Don't
worry about it darlin'," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up
a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a brutal
stamping to the face and said, "Never question Roy Keane."
Those aren't credits that roll after match of the day; it is actually a
list of people that Roy Keane brutally stamped in the face that day.
Roy Keane once brutally stamped on someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Roy Keane does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Roy Keane instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he penned
the word to the Soldiers Song in Irish then English (So the cunts knew
what he was on about).
Roy Keane built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination.
As Oswald shot, Roy met all three bullets with his tadger, deflecting
them.
JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Roy Keane sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled football ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Roy Brutally stamped the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Roy Keane if his real name is "Royston". Roy Keane did
not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Roy Keane recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Roy Keane can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"bejesus".
Roy Keane does not sleep. He waits.
Roy Keane once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Roy Keane is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Roy Keane. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Roy Keane often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
Brutally stamps them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
If you can see Roy Keane, he can see you. If you can't see Roy Keane you
may be only seconds away from death.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Roy Keane.
Roy Keane took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity."
then you are dead wrong.
Roy Keane uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Roy Keane to die before they
attack