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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 13, 2006 17:52:27 GMT
Coffs is a moany old bastard, so I'm here.
For the 2005 season, Bongo McPantfish signed for Sligo Rovers in the Irish 1st division, for a whacking £525 a week, with a £375 assist bonus and a £187 goal bonus. The fat ginger pale skin midfielder will occupy the left wing for Sligo, showing off his stamina and, umm, no, that's it. After a couple of aimless games of wandering around on the left, (my debut being described as "pathetic" by the locqal press), the boss comes to me and asks if I'd like to play up front, which is disappointing, as it means he hasn't watched any of my games so far. But then a whacky thing happens. In my first game as a forward, away to Dublin, the ball breaks to me 20 yards out and I scuff a low shot that somehow bends in by the right hand post. Which is nice, as I aimed at the left. So, after 50 minutes we're 2-1 up and I've touched the ball once. Seven minutes later some fool gives it to me again, I pass it on to someone else as quickly as I can and that guy smacks the ball home from 30 yards, so I get an assist. At the end of the game I've won man of the match for a goal and an assist, which means I can take a week off of getting drunk for confidence, as I've fooled everyone into thinking I'm a good player. The following week I score again, grabbing the only goal with a Lineker-style effort that goes in off me from seven yards. With two goals in two games the boss is so happy with my abilities as a forward that he puts me back in midfield. We don't pay you to score!
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Post by coffers on Apr 13, 2006 18:34:11 GMT
Good start, especially the underlined opening sentence. :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 13, 2006 20:12:13 GMT
In the fifth game of the season the boss, pleased with my performances up front, plays me as left wingback, because he's a plank, obviously.
Still, we win 2-0,thanks to an awesome pass from me for the second goal, on 60 minutes, putting the game beyond reach of the giants of Dundalk.
After those five games we're top, I have two goals and an assist and my form reads 2-4-10-7-7.
Unfortunately, at this point, I'm absolutely knackered, so the boss has no choice but to drop me, or, on prevous evidence, put me in goal or something. The pantfish.
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Post by coffers on Apr 13, 2006 20:50:36 GMT
When you say awesome pass, I presume you mean a big hump down the middle or something?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 13, 2006 21:51:46 GMT
You were at the game?
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Post by coffers on Apr 13, 2006 22:32:09 GMT
I was the one who shouted "HOOOFFF IT FFS!"
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 13, 2006 22:39:41 GMT
It worked. I owe you half of £375.
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Post by Sonic on Apr 14, 2006 5:20:34 GMT
Isn't it two goals and two assists?
So that was Coffs holding the line up for the pies and beers!
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Post by Moo on Apr 14, 2006 9:35:49 GMT
Fat twat.
And Coffers.
KUTGBBW! (Bill Belicheck) :checkit:
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Fuzzy
Spider Monkey
stop chewing!
Posts: 918
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Post by Fuzzy on Apr 14, 2006 13:15:23 GMT
Indeed.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 14, 2006 21:06:40 GMT
Isn't it two goals and two assists? So that was Coffs holding the line up for the pies and beers! For some reason they didn't rate my cultured sixty-yard lump pass as an assist.
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Post by coffers on Apr 15, 2006 12:49:49 GMT
Shame on them. They loved Glenda Hoddle for that sort of thing. :humb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 15, 2006 22:35:19 GMT
Running out the rest of September 2005, Sligo lose their first game of the season; the defeat coming, coincidentally, in the first game I miss, as I'm dropped due to being utterly knackered. Cobh Ramblers come to Sligo and leave top of the table thanks to a 2-0 win. Three days later we host bottom team Doctor Kildare and beat Richard Chamberlain 2-1, in another game I watch from bed. On September 24th I'm back on the bench, but my confidence has slipped away while I've been laying about, so I get only half an hour at the end of the game and rate only a four, as I'm off the pace in a scoreless draw away to Limerick. This is followed with another goalless ninety minutes against Galway in our last game of the month. September is hardly a glowing month, my form running /-/-4-2-4. After the international break I'm fit again on October 12 so I'm in from the start and, trailing 1-0 with ten minutes to play I turn from donkey to hero as I grab the equaliser from one yard out. Yes. One yard. That's me, the fat ginger fella in white. The following saturday I do it again, with an effort from as far out as eight yards this time, in a 2-0 at home to Dublin City. We're hanging about in second place, four points behind the Ramblers of Cobh, level on points with South Park's Kilkenny and a point clear of Dublin. The jam at the top is worsened a bit the following week as Dublin draw, we lose 2-1 to mid-table slackers Monaghan, while Cobh beat Kilkenny 3-2 to put the Ramblers seven points clear at the top, with three teams even on points just behind.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 17, 2006 13:08:54 GMT
October comes to an end with two games in four days and us losing ground as we slip to a 1-0 defeat away to fellow promotion chasers Kilkenny, although we close the gap a bit again as we beat Dundalk 1-0 in the last game of the month, while Kilkenny can only muster a scoreless draw, away to mid-table Limerick. The first game of November is possibly our biggest of the season, as we travel to Cobh to play the table-topping Ramblers, who haven't lost yet this season and we need a win to keep pace with Kilkenny and in sight of Cobh. The weather isn't the best, with pouring rain throughout the whole game and, as I've spent almost all of my skills improving my stamina, I spend about 90 minutes falling on my arse. Training costs a lot of stamina in NSS3 and trying to improve while also playing in games isn't possible. Improving stamina is intended to allow me to bounce back from training quickly and play twice a week too. Unfortunately my balance and strength suffers as a result, so in the rain, I'm a lot like a drunken baby Bambi on ice, in rollerskates. Luckily, while I'm entertaining the crowd, putting on a left-wing clown show the like of which hasn't been seen since Karl Marx hung up the face paint and big shoes, the rest of the team is going about handing Cobh their first defeat of the year, 2-0. With Kilkenny losing to Dublin, we back into second place, with Dublin just behind Kilkenny behind us. The following week, we get stuck with a 0-0, Cobh draw, Dublin lose and Kilkenny win, just to keep things nice and snug at the top. Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst F A GD Pts 1 Cobh Ramblers 17 11 5 1 28 12 16 38 2 Sligo Rovers 17 9 5 3 18 8 10 32 << 3 Kilkenny City 17 9 5 3 21 13 8 32 4 Dublin City 17 9 2 6 19 14 5 29 5 Limerick 17 6 8 3 16 9 7 26 6 Monaghan United 17 6 4 7 16 18 -2 22 7 Dundalk 17 5 5 7 14 16 -2 20 8 Galway United 17 5 3 9 17 24 -7 18 9 Kildare Counthy 17 2 3 12 15 33 -18 9 10 Athlone Town 17 3 4 12 7 24 -17 7
After 17 games, I've played 15, rating a whopping 3.4 out of 10 on average. I have four goals, two assists, one booking and I'm rated at about £100,000 right now, primarily due to "potential." Pie-eating potential, perhaps.
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Post by Sonic on Apr 17, 2006 23:46:53 GMT
Clowning-potential too, judging by the 2-0 win as well.
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Post by Moo on Apr 18, 2006 8:37:52 GMT
Potentially a good game here, teh s1ut. How is the hang-glider situation coming along. Do you have your Ma in the skies yet?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 18, 2006 12:43:40 GMT
Potentially a good game here, teh s1ut. How is the hang-glider situation coming along. Do you have your Ma in the skies yet? No new hang gliders, because I still don't make that much money and Coff hasn't guided me to any assists recently, so I'm skint from buying booze to stay "confident."
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 18, 2006 12:52:21 GMT
17 games in and this is where what feels like a slide starts. Not exactly a plummet, but I haven't had a good game for a few weeks, since before I had to take my break really and the manager is losing patience with me.
This is shown in the following game where 8th placed Galway run out to a quick 2-0 lead and I get taken off at half time, even though neither goal had anything to do with me.
We get a 1-0 over Athlone to end November and then beat Dublin, again, to start December, but 0-0 draws with Monaghan and Kilkenny follow and only a stumble from the Cobh Rovers is keeping them in sight. I get substituted in both games.
A 2-0 over Dundalk follows, but by now I'm having to drink myself into a stupour every week to get my confidence to a point where the boss will pick me. Possibly out of fear.
Then an intriguing offer comes in, as the rhymers of Limerick stick in a £96,000 offer for me, which will see me drop from second place to fifth place, but triple my wages to £1400 a week, with £270 goal bonus and £310 assist bonus.
Limerick have 35 points, behind Cobh 47, my Sligo 43 and Kilkenny and Dublin on 41 each.
I decided to take the money and move to Limerick, picking up a £9,600 signing bonus. The papers announce "Mercenary Bongo" which strikes me as funny for some reason.
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Post by Moo on Apr 18, 2006 12:56:09 GMT
I'd agree with them. And you. Drinking yourself into a stupour is no way to go through life, anyway. All your hair turns grey and you start talking in a daft accent. You've been warned.
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Post by coffers on Apr 18, 2006 12:56:12 GMT
It strikes me as funny too, anyhow, good move, obviously your old manager is a McPantfish or something, not capable of recognising your inestimable talents, or is that talent?.
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Post by Sonic on Apr 18, 2006 23:12:43 GMT
Your one your way to launching your mother into the skies now on a hang-glider. That's got to be a good move.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 19, 2006 12:45:16 GMT
A week after beating Dundalk 2-0 with Sligo, I'm losing 1-2 to Dundalk with Limerick, at home in my second career "pathetic" debut. So it's nice to keep my perfect record there. When we lose to top of the table Cobh the following week, it seems that any chance Limerick may have had to chase down the promotion pack is gone, so we'll be in the first division again next year. Week 26, the end of January 2008, brings perhaps the biggest game of my career, as Limerick host my old team Sligo and I go out for some booze to make sure I'm nice and confident ahead of the game. After a scoreless and aimless first half things pick up pace to start the second half and a crunching tackle at the back leads to an attack down the left. I'm puffing up through the middle and when the ball is crossed in... 1-0 to Limerick and I've scored against my old team! My header surprises my teammates as heading is my least developed skill. Also, none of them believe I could actually jump. Sligo press forward chasing an equalised, which leads to a few good attacks with our forward Michael Clare hitting the post. With five minutes to go, I drift over to our right side to accomplish my second mission for the day and lump the guy playing on the left for Sligo, who took my place on my old team. The ref doesn't see my off the ball mugging and that leaves a big hole for us to work down. I make a diagonal run and pick up a sweet through ball and hit it first time... The ball flies for the far corner... It's the very last touch of the game and we've won 2-0, I've won man of the match and the travelling fans are wondering why, exactly, they sold that fat ginger fella.
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Post by coffers on Apr 19, 2006 12:48:09 GMT
Nice! :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Apr 19, 2006 13:31:23 GMT
The following week, Dublin lose and Kilkenny and Sligo draw, while we sneak a 1-0 over Dr Kildare, with me given the assist, as my shot comes back off the post and Clare slides the ball home. A 0-0 with Dublin to open February 2006 isn't too bad, as it stops them from opening any room on us, and we follow that with a 1-0 over Galway, which puts us on the tail of the pack chasing Cobh, as Sligo lose. After the international break, our first game in March is away to mid-table Monaghan and a 1-0 defeat there pretty much seals our fate, as Cobh and Sligo win, while Dublin draw. After the game I go for a drink to get over the disappointment and get chatted up by a "large", (large?), ginger woman who likes money and media attention. I hadn't been aware that the Spice Girls were on a tour of Ireland, but I turn her down anyway. The last thing I need is some whiny girlfriend complaining I'm not famous enough playing in the lower divisions of Ireland. Besides, think what our children would look like! 36 games in the season, 3 teams get promoted.
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Post by Moo on Apr 19, 2006 13:34:56 GMT
Nice work, teh s1ut, there's still a chance of third place, but it's slim. Not like you, obviously.
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