Post by DC on Jul 13, 2006 21:37:04 GMT
They All Came Back
From the Memoirs of Colonel Douglas Haig Jnr (Ret), 2nd Earl Haig 76 Not Out, England 279-3, arial bombardment stopped play. Commanding Officer of the 85th Foot and Mouth Highland Deserters.
85th Foot and Mouth Highland Deserters
The 85th was formed some time during the British involvement in Afghanistan and long held the distinction of having fled successfully from more firefights than any other regiment. This all changed in 1867 when they found themselves facing a Zulu force rampaging through the Alps, and in their attempts to escape ran headlong into Napoleon coming the other way causing something of a kerfuffle in alsace (Al later had to retire from the frontline due to hemorrhoids). In the ensuing carnage the 85th got away with Napoleons baggage by mistake including a Golden Eagle and came home to a heroes welcome. Simultaneously the regiment brought an the end the longstanding British tactic of standing in a straight line and proferring “Come on Johnny Afghan, lets see what you’ve got!”.
In 1890 the 85th (under threat of wholesale retirement) lead by Douglas Haigs (sr) former roommate (a vaudeville star by the name of Wild Bill Door) suggested rather than being sent out to pasture, the regiments longstanding reputation for theatrics should be harnessed and put to good use by forming a theatre troupe in an attempt to improve morale. Wild Bill had walked with a pronounced limp since an incident in Africa that saw him strafed from the knee down by a bunch of Boers whilst displaying his LUP strategy (the belief the enemy seeing a pair of disembodied legs on the horizon would immediately blot such an incongruous oddity from their mind allowing the British Expeditionary force to proceed unhindred).
His first suggestion was a nude version of Shakespeares "Hamlet". Lord Kitcheners response is unprintable, but apparently successfully curried favour with the other dinner guest Oscar Wilde and the Marquess of Queensbury. Their remonstrations were apparently successful as the 85th were indeed saved from dismissal, and instead sent on a whirlwind tour of Khartoum. Soon after the 85th proudly passed out naked through the streets of London Colonel Wild Bill Door's met an unfortunate death by firing squad. His last words reportedly were "I've always loved you Sergeant Adair. You may fire when ready".
By 1940, after the 16th tour of Henrik Ibsens "Ghosts" the regiment had successfully managed to destroy morale full across the British Empire. Douglas Haig jr (commanding officer) suggested that perhaps the team would be better suited inflicting heavy damage to German morale proposing an immediate seven stage invasion and frontal assault targeting wineries along the Rhine.
The British High Command agreed they would indeed be better suited inflicting significant damage to German morale, but could see no way of organising a theatre tour at this time.
Haig re-iterated the troops desire to do their duty on the battlefield, dying in a vainglorious fashion.
High Command questioned whether the Germans would listen long enough to suffer the full effect.
Haig at this point is said to have questioned the entire High Commands masculinity, prompting several to file their nails far too heavily.
High Command in response singled out the 85th for active combat duty once more. A bullish Haig volunteered the regiment for all the most dangerous and meaningless deep striking missions involving certain death.
High Commands reply was "What, oh, well, yes, yes - just what we were thinking.".
Essential Slang and Jargon
Bone = top secret tactical weapon used against guard dogs.
Brew = the art of making yourself a cup of tea without putting your weapon down and/or spilling it all down your new balaclava.
CA = Clarks Attackers, standard issue footwear. Noted for the compass in the heel.
CO = Commanding Officer. Also, more usually, an official title added to a squadron’s name when it’s being prepared for flotation on the stock market.
Coms = Pinkoes, lefties, CND bearded bastards.
COP = Coming Out Party
Cuds = Countryside. Also polite swear word, as in “Oi, De Gaulle. What the cudding hell do you think you’re doing, trying to charge us for protecting you.”
DOP = Drop Off Point. Usually around midnight, unless there’s a film on telly or something.
E&E = essential comic double act Eric & Ernie. Also Escape & Evasion. Not to be confused.
Ecksteins = German cigarette brand, used as a slang term for a Hun (see Rothmans). Our job is to stub out Ecksteins.
ERV = Emergency Rendezvous i.e. in the Car Park, behind the watch tower if the Krauts get wind.
FOB = Foreign Office Balls-up. i.e. what happened before we went in.
FRV = Frightened Reckless Virgins.
Head Shed = Headquarters.
Honking = hand to hand insulting banter
Infil/Exfil = infiltration, exfiltration for those who completed secondary education. Getting in, and getting ou…well, just getting in for anybody else.
LUP = Legs Up Position
MSR = Main Supply Route. i.e. most direct path to nearest Co-Op.
NVA = Night Vision Aid. Notably a pound of carrots, or Mickey Mouse torch.
Pear Shaped = something shaped like a pear i.e. pears.
REMFS = Rear Echelon Mother Fuckers, those we leave behind. Most of them.
Rothmans = British cigarette brand. Friendlies (see Ecksteins)
RPJ = Royal Protection Job
Rupert = annoying cartoon bear, oh and CO’s.
Sit Rep = young fit blonde, well tanned, who organises day trips but only shags the locals.
Slotted = deceased through flying lead.
Stand To = what you do when you’re too pissed to stand up.
TAB = Tactical Advance with Belongings. i.e. a bloody long walk carrying a house.
VCP = Vertical Crapping Position. Not for the faint of heart, or weak of knees.
VIP = Very Important Postman. Encountered mainly around Christmas and Birthdays.
VPL = Nasty. Avoid by wearing loose fitting trousers and trying not to bend down too much.
ESSENTIAL FIELD KNOWLEDGE
Be Prepared
There’s nothing worse than tabbing 25 miles across open desert before
realising you’ve not picked up the explosives required to do the job.
You Look damn silly going to the French Resistance asking if they’ve
any to spare – so prepare, prepare, prepare.
Corporal Tattle responds with dismay as he realises he’s left the gas on back at Head Shed
Sexual Distraction
The enemy have been known to use sex as a very
effective weapon and many’s the time a well equipped
trooper has been rendered incapable by a strategically
placed female, not to mention a sheep in a tutu on one
occasion which we won’t talk about until after the court
martial.
Sexual deviancy of any kind is absolutely prohibited.
What you do with a goat, a tub of axle grease and a
bicycle pump in the privacy of your own Anderson
Shelter is your own affair, but there’ll be no perversion
on duty. We’re not the Household Cavalry.
Photogenic Strategy
The first casualty of war is Ruth, but she knew the risks when
she joined the nursing corps. The second is getting the war
photographers to get your good side. We tried bally ages
trying to get the make-up right on that D-Day picture with the
raised Union Jack. Posing effectively could not be more
important. Below is a perfect example.
Pointing weapons off into the distance and looking noble
is a pre-requisite. Note the Mickey Mouse watch, a good
unit never underestimates the value of product placement.
BRIEFING
"You won’t need reminding that the German submarine fleet has caused extensive damage to our naval forces preventing us from getting our pickled pigs feet and tripe to the frontline, heavily damaging morale. Command has therefore planned a mission, which if successful, could turn the dinner tables in our favour. The following operation is part of that mission."
"Our objective is to attack and destroy the enemy submarines where they’re most vulnerable: the German Navy’s schntizengruber deployment dockyard, which is protected by a military base and barracks containing the 65th Deathshead Bavarian Sausage Cavalry"
"We all know the Hun are at their most confident when they can feel 12 inches of meat slapping down their trouser leg, and we're going in to make sure they don't get their next portion."
"A frontal attack would be suicidal (we should know, we've tried); therefore we will have to infiltrate the dockyard secretly and place the explosives on the U-boats."
"You will approach the base from this position. Maintaining close formation is essential."
"Further progress is dependent on the silent elimination of guards and, of course covering your tracks”.
"Bear in mind, if shooting starts, the entire base will be alerted and your chances of escape will be minimal as clearly shown by this MOD graph"
"After you have entered the dockyard and placed the charges on the U-boats, a further mission objective must be completed: there are a number of beer reserves that could be ignited to act as a beacon. You’re to place a homing transmitter in the compound, which Allied bombers will be able to locate."
"Ideally, place the transmitter in this area."
"Once all mission objectives have been accomplished, evacuate quickly and silently with your surviving team members."
"The success of the mission requires courage, decisiveness and of course, a great deal of good fortune and most importantly - the Germans being caught in the crapper after overdoing it on beer and bratwurst."
The Map - Kamp Butlinzt
The Team - Codename Codpiece
NAME: Siegfried Hirsch
NICKNAME: Tommy Atkins
BORN: Berlin, Germany - 21/08/1918
RANK: Oberscharführer
Highlight of Career: Playing Desdemona in company tour of "Othello".
Most Dangerous Opponent: The English Language
HERO: Hermann Göring
NAME: Peter Pickle
NICKNAME: Charver
BORN: Romford, Essex - 04/04/1921
RANK: Private (pending appeal)
Highlight of Career: Avoiding death by firing squad.
Most Dangerous Opponent: Firing Squad (pending appeal).
HERO: Houdini
NAME: Andriusz Czakowski
NICKNAME: Chef
BORN: Lodz, Poland - 10/06/1910
RANK: Chief Petty Officer
Highlight of Career: Successfully serving seven course meal to British High Command whilst singing La Dolce Vita.
Most Dangerous Opponent: Too much salt.
HERO: Keith Floyd
NAME: Andrew Tattle
NICKNAME: Bones
BORN: Anfield, Liverpool - 16/01/1914
RANK: Corporal
Highlight of Career: Successful takedown of 99.9% of all household Germs.
Most Dangerous Opponent: Mildew
HERO: Barry Scott
In different shaped boxes
From the Memoirs of Colonel Douglas Haig Jnr (Ret), 2nd Earl Haig 76 Not Out, England 279-3, arial bombardment stopped play. Commanding Officer of the 85th Foot and Mouth Highland Deserters.
"Horrid stuff. The War I mean. Frightful. Damn had me by the short and curlies. My attention. Yes. Wretched waste. I mean you stand there, sherry glass in one hand, pork pie in the other, and next thing you know 'bump', some ruddy great bomb goes off 12 miles away! Terrible shower of dust spoils the whole affair - have to call the bloody thing off. Awfully upsetting for the officers morale."
"It was a Tuesday. No, tell a lie - it was March. 1940 something. We can put in the specifics later, yes? Good, good. Yes, well we'd just come in for lunch with the French trailing by 300 when some dreadfully inconsiderate swine brings up the subject of this frightful war business. Clear put me off my sandwiches. Can't remember the bleeders name, short bloke, bald, looked like a bulldog chewing a housebrick or a wasps nest. He's on about this war thing, disrupting the teams concentration all the while, in the end it was all I could do not to have him barred from the club house. I volunteered our lads for a bit of back door jiggery pokery just to shut him up."
"It was a Tuesday. No, tell a lie - it was March. 1940 something. We can put in the specifics later, yes? Good, good. Yes, well we'd just come in for lunch with the French trailing by 300 when some dreadfully inconsiderate swine brings up the subject of this frightful war business. Clear put me off my sandwiches. Can't remember the bleeders name, short bloke, bald, looked like a bulldog chewing a housebrick or a wasps nest. He's on about this war thing, disrupting the teams concentration all the while, in the end it was all I could do not to have him barred from the club house. I volunteered our lads for a bit of back door jiggery pokery just to shut him up."
85th Foot and Mouth Highland Deserters
The 85th was formed some time during the British involvement in Afghanistan and long held the distinction of having fled successfully from more firefights than any other regiment. This all changed in 1867 when they found themselves facing a Zulu force rampaging through the Alps, and in their attempts to escape ran headlong into Napoleon coming the other way causing something of a kerfuffle in alsace (Al later had to retire from the frontline due to hemorrhoids). In the ensuing carnage the 85th got away with Napoleons baggage by mistake including a Golden Eagle and came home to a heroes welcome. Simultaneously the regiment brought an the end the longstanding British tactic of standing in a straight line and proferring “Come on Johnny Afghan, lets see what you’ve got!”.
In 1890 the 85th (under threat of wholesale retirement) lead by Douglas Haigs (sr) former roommate (a vaudeville star by the name of Wild Bill Door) suggested rather than being sent out to pasture, the regiments longstanding reputation for theatrics should be harnessed and put to good use by forming a theatre troupe in an attempt to improve morale. Wild Bill had walked with a pronounced limp since an incident in Africa that saw him strafed from the knee down by a bunch of Boers whilst displaying his LUP strategy (the belief the enemy seeing a pair of disembodied legs on the horizon would immediately blot such an incongruous oddity from their mind allowing the British Expeditionary force to proceed unhindred).
His first suggestion was a nude version of Shakespeares "Hamlet". Lord Kitcheners response is unprintable, but apparently successfully curried favour with the other dinner guest Oscar Wilde and the Marquess of Queensbury. Their remonstrations were apparently successful as the 85th were indeed saved from dismissal, and instead sent on a whirlwind tour of Khartoum. Soon after the 85th proudly passed out naked through the streets of London Colonel Wild Bill Door's met an unfortunate death by firing squad. His last words reportedly were "I've always loved you Sergeant Adair. You may fire when ready".
By 1940, after the 16th tour of Henrik Ibsens "Ghosts" the regiment had successfully managed to destroy morale full across the British Empire. Douglas Haig jr (commanding officer) suggested that perhaps the team would be better suited inflicting heavy damage to German morale proposing an immediate seven stage invasion and frontal assault targeting wineries along the Rhine.
The British High Command agreed they would indeed be better suited inflicting significant damage to German morale, but could see no way of organising a theatre tour at this time.
Haig re-iterated the troops desire to do their duty on the battlefield, dying in a vainglorious fashion.
High Command questioned whether the Germans would listen long enough to suffer the full effect.
Haig at this point is said to have questioned the entire High Commands masculinity, prompting several to file their nails far too heavily.
High Command in response singled out the 85th for active combat duty once more. A bullish Haig volunteered the regiment for all the most dangerous and meaningless deep striking missions involving certain death.
High Commands reply was "What, oh, well, yes, yes - just what we were thinking.".
Essential Slang and Jargon
Bone = top secret tactical weapon used against guard dogs.
Brew = the art of making yourself a cup of tea without putting your weapon down and/or spilling it all down your new balaclava.
CA = Clarks Attackers, standard issue footwear. Noted for the compass in the heel.
CO = Commanding Officer. Also, more usually, an official title added to a squadron’s name when it’s being prepared for flotation on the stock market.
Coms = Pinkoes, lefties, CND bearded bastards.
COP = Coming Out Party
Cuds = Countryside. Also polite swear word, as in “Oi, De Gaulle. What the cudding hell do you think you’re doing, trying to charge us for protecting you.”
DOP = Drop Off Point. Usually around midnight, unless there’s a film on telly or something.
E&E = essential comic double act Eric & Ernie. Also Escape & Evasion. Not to be confused.
Ecksteins = German cigarette brand, used as a slang term for a Hun (see Rothmans). Our job is to stub out Ecksteins.
ERV = Emergency Rendezvous i.e. in the Car Park, behind the watch tower if the Krauts get wind.
FOB = Foreign Office Balls-up. i.e. what happened before we went in.
FRV = Frightened Reckless Virgins.
Head Shed = Headquarters.
Honking = hand to hand insulting banter
Infil/Exfil = infiltration, exfiltration for those who completed secondary education. Getting in, and getting ou…well, just getting in for anybody else.
LUP = Legs Up Position
MSR = Main Supply Route. i.e. most direct path to nearest Co-Op.
NVA = Night Vision Aid. Notably a pound of carrots, or Mickey Mouse torch.
Pear Shaped = something shaped like a pear i.e. pears.
REMFS = Rear Echelon Mother Fuckers, those we leave behind. Most of them.
Rothmans = British cigarette brand. Friendlies (see Ecksteins)
RPJ = Royal Protection Job
Rupert = annoying cartoon bear, oh and CO’s.
Sit Rep = young fit blonde, well tanned, who organises day trips but only shags the locals.
Slotted = deceased through flying lead.
Stand To = what you do when you’re too pissed to stand up.
TAB = Tactical Advance with Belongings. i.e. a bloody long walk carrying a house.
VCP = Vertical Crapping Position. Not for the faint of heart, or weak of knees.
VIP = Very Important Postman. Encountered mainly around Christmas and Birthdays.
VPL = Nasty. Avoid by wearing loose fitting trousers and trying not to bend down too much.
ESSENTIAL FIELD KNOWLEDGE
Be Prepared
There’s nothing worse than tabbing 25 miles across open desert before
realising you’ve not picked up the explosives required to do the job.
You Look damn silly going to the French Resistance asking if they’ve
any to spare – so prepare, prepare, prepare.
Corporal Tattle responds with dismay as he realises he’s left the gas on back at Head Shed
Teamwork
The art of working together for the betterment of the whole. A unit should
work like a well greased pig on a spit. No, like a well oiled machine on a
spit. Ah, you get the idea. Each man has his role to play. One is the
leading man, the other the leading lady – some are inherently more effeminate.
But we’ll have no deviancy round here!
Bones feeds Chef through the cookie hole in his mask.
The art of working together for the betterment of the whole. A unit should
work like a well greased pig on a spit. No, like a well oiled machine on a
spit. Ah, you get the idea. Each man has his role to play. One is the
leading man, the other the leading lady – some are inherently more effeminate.
But we’ll have no deviancy round here!
Bones feeds Chef through the cookie hole in his mask.
Sexual Distraction
The enemy have been known to use sex as a very
effective weapon and many’s the time a well equipped
trooper has been rendered incapable by a strategically
placed female, not to mention a sheep in a tutu on one
occasion which we won’t talk about until after the court
martial.
Sexual deviancy of any kind is absolutely prohibited.
What you do with a goat, a tub of axle grease and a
bicycle pump in the privacy of your own Anderson
Shelter is your own affair, but there’ll be no perversion
on duty. We’re not the Household Cavalry.
Equipment
It’s no use dragging along the finest and shiniest war
machinery the tax payer can afford, if no one knows
how to operate it. Losing the manual for the field gun
can result in you using it the wrong way round and
decimating your own regiment, not to mention disturb
your CO’s at the rear.
Take-off and landing are trick manoeuvres to master in a
Chinook. In this case the part of the manual dealing with
landing was used as toilet paper by one unthinking co-pilot.
It’s no use dragging along the finest and shiniest war
machinery the tax payer can afford, if no one knows
how to operate it. Losing the manual for the field gun
can result in you using it the wrong way round and
decimating your own regiment, not to mention disturb
your CO’s at the rear.
Take-off and landing are trick manoeuvres to master in a
Chinook. In this case the part of the manual dealing with
landing was used as toilet paper by one unthinking co-pilot.
Photogenic Strategy
The first casualty of war is Ruth, but she knew the risks when
she joined the nursing corps. The second is getting the war
photographers to get your good side. We tried bally ages
trying to get the make-up right on that D-Day picture with the
raised Union Jack. Posing effectively could not be more
important. Below is a perfect example.
Pointing weapons off into the distance and looking noble
is a pre-requisite. Note the Mickey Mouse watch, a good
unit never underestimates the value of product placement.
Morale
Morale is vital for maintaining the fighting effectiveness of
any battle unit. One way to maintain it is through honking.
This helps build a character, toughness of mind and spirit,
and more importantly weeds out the weak of will and of
superior eloquence for immediate promotion to officer
(creating a healthy level of resentment amongst the remainder
of the troops – and only putting one Rupert at risk from a shot
in the back).
Charver’s guide to honking follows:
”I don’t care what anyone says, being able to engage in hand-to-hand honking with other blokes is as big a part of a soldiers life in the Regiment as your personal fitness of being able to take on 400 hun with one hand tied behind your back. In fact, in a mad, bad, dangerous world it’s the only thing that keeps us all sane. Personally speaking I would never trust my life to anyone who doesn’t call me a crap-headed wanker at least ten times a day. After all, what are real friends for?”
“You’re about as much use as a Tattle in a snowstorm”
“Fucking Welshman” (Welsh only)
“Welshman” (non Welsh)
“Fuck”
“Shit”
“Fuck yourself, Shit”
“Shit yourself, Fuck”
“Fucking Shit, yourself”
“You’re Fucking Shit, you are”
“Fucking Rupert” (officers only)
Playing ‘koochie-koo’ with the locals is one way to build
a rapport with those who might otherwise resent your
presence in their currently occupied country and gives
your troops adequate time in the field to vent their pent
up aggression at those who need to be shouted at loudly
in order for them to understand. What. We. Are. Saying!
Comprende?.
Morale is vital for maintaining the fighting effectiveness of
any battle unit. One way to maintain it is through honking.
This helps build a character, toughness of mind and spirit,
and more importantly weeds out the weak of will and of
superior eloquence for immediate promotion to officer
(creating a healthy level of resentment amongst the remainder
of the troops – and only putting one Rupert at risk from a shot
in the back).
Charver’s guide to honking follows:
”I don’t care what anyone says, being able to engage in hand-to-hand honking with other blokes is as big a part of a soldiers life in the Regiment as your personal fitness of being able to take on 400 hun with one hand tied behind your back. In fact, in a mad, bad, dangerous world it’s the only thing that keeps us all sane. Personally speaking I would never trust my life to anyone who doesn’t call me a crap-headed wanker at least ten times a day. After all, what are real friends for?”
“You’re about as much use as a Tattle in a snowstorm”
“Fucking Welshman” (Welsh only)
“Welshman” (non Welsh)
“Fuck”
“Shit”
“Fuck yourself, Shit”
“Shit yourself, Fuck”
“Fucking Shit, yourself”
“You’re Fucking Shit, you are”
“Fucking Rupert” (officers only)
Playing ‘koochie-koo’ with the locals is one way to build
a rapport with those who might otherwise resent your
presence in their currently occupied country and gives
your troops adequate time in the field to vent their pent
up aggression at those who need to be shouted at loudly
in order for them to understand. What. We. Are. Saying!
Comprende?.
BRIEFING
"You won’t need reminding that the German submarine fleet has caused extensive damage to our naval forces preventing us from getting our pickled pigs feet and tripe to the frontline, heavily damaging morale. Command has therefore planned a mission, which if successful, could turn the dinner tables in our favour. The following operation is part of that mission."
"Our objective is to attack and destroy the enemy submarines where they’re most vulnerable: the German Navy’s schntizengruber deployment dockyard, which is protected by a military base and barracks containing the 65th Deathshead Bavarian Sausage Cavalry"
"We all know the Hun are at their most confident when they can feel 12 inches of meat slapping down their trouser leg, and we're going in to make sure they don't get their next portion."
"A frontal attack would be suicidal (we should know, we've tried); therefore we will have to infiltrate the dockyard secretly and place the explosives on the U-boats."
"You will approach the base from this position. Maintaining close formation is essential."
"Further progress is dependent on the silent elimination of guards and, of course covering your tracks”.
"Bear in mind, if shooting starts, the entire base will be alerted and your chances of escape will be minimal as clearly shown by this MOD graph"
"After you have entered the dockyard and placed the charges on the U-boats, a further mission objective must be completed: there are a number of beer reserves that could be ignited to act as a beacon. You’re to place a homing transmitter in the compound, which Allied bombers will be able to locate."
"Ideally, place the transmitter in this area."
"Once all mission objectives have been accomplished, evacuate quickly and silently with your surviving team members."
"The success of the mission requires courage, decisiveness and of course, a great deal of good fortune and most importantly - the Germans being caught in the crapper after overdoing it on beer and bratwurst."
The Map - Kamp Butlinzt
The Team - Codename Codpiece
NAME: Siegfried Hirsch
NICKNAME: Tommy Atkins
BORN: Berlin, Germany - 21/08/1918
RANK: Oberscharführer
Highlight of Career: Playing Desdemona in company tour of "Othello".
Most Dangerous Opponent: The English Language
HERO: Hermann Göring
NAME: Peter Pickle
NICKNAME: Charver
BORN: Romford, Essex - 04/04/1921
RANK: Private (pending appeal)
Highlight of Career: Avoiding death by firing squad.
Most Dangerous Opponent: Firing Squad (pending appeal).
HERO: Houdini
NAME: Andriusz Czakowski
NICKNAME: Chef
BORN: Lodz, Poland - 10/06/1910
RANK: Chief Petty Officer
Highlight of Career: Successfully serving seven course meal to British High Command whilst singing La Dolce Vita.
Most Dangerous Opponent: Too much salt.
HERO: Keith Floyd
NAME: Andrew Tattle
NICKNAME: Bones
BORN: Anfield, Liverpool - 16/01/1914
RANK: Corporal
Highlight of Career: Successful takedown of 99.9% of all household Germs.
Most Dangerous Opponent: Mildew
HERO: Barry Scott