Post by coffers on Jan 18, 2006 17:44:34 GMT
It's an FM2006 update sort of thing that starts with some stupid scene setting: Dateline December 2004/January 2005:
After weeks spent on the Atlantic, in a storm tossed trawler, smelling of fish, I was glad to be anywhere as long as it was on land. As I said anywhere would do, as long as it didn't rock and sway from side to side, as long as it didn't smell of fish and vomit. I'd spent much of the time clinging to a hammock not wishing to move until the world stopped spinning. Chrismas 2004 had passed in a dream as had New Years Eve, most of the crew had celebrated by eating raw fish, I think I managed to look into an empty bucket and heave, but there was some cause to be happy, I'd been told that we were planning to dock somewhere on the 2nd January 2005 and if I really wanted to I could leave the happy ship behind and make my own way home. How I got into this situation is a long story and not one I care to recount at this stage in my life, suffice to say on New Years Day 2005, all I could think of was getting off that damned boat.
The longed for day came and not a moment too soon, as we drew into port, realisation quickly dawned on me, I would get dry land, dry being a relative concept of course, it would be solid, stationary or whatever. It certainly wouldn't rock from side to side, well not unless an earthquake took place or volcano decided to erupt, but as we passed numerous fish factories of Reykjavik, I realised that all my wishes hadn't come true. I was short of cash, having lost most of my earnings in the onboard poker school and, I certainly wasn't looking forward to earning a little something, to get me home, in a fish processing plant. The thought of the stench still has me heaving even to this day.
That left me with one other option, putting my only other employable skill to work, football management, well I say football management, it's just a matter of blagging it really isn't it? Malcolm Allison did it for years, as have many other jokers such as Bryan Robson, Graham Taylor and Glen Hoddle, it was just a matter of finding someone mug enough to fall a line of patter. For once fortune smiled on me as I sat in a cafe sipping coffee trying to get some heat in my bones, I overheard a conversation by what I at first took to be a bunch of Viz fans, The conversation was punctuated at frequent intervals with the words Fnaarr, Fnaarr. Well to my uncultured ears that's what it sounded like, I thought here's a chance to make some aquaintences and perhaps sound out some employment possibilities. Well as you've guessed Fnaarr wasn't Fnaarr at all, the group were talking about a local football team called Fjolnir and it just so happened that the club was looking for a manager, bingo, it might be a longshot but it was the best I could have hoped for at that point. So with directions and my CV in hand I went off to find the managerless club.
When I say CV, I really meant my yellow and black bobble hat and scarf, which served as my lucky charms from happier times at Noisy-Le-Sec and even Southport. As I approached the ground, I was playing keepie uppie with a tennis ball I happened to keep in my Donkey Jacket pocket for such occassions when I need to impress gullible football chairmen and boy had I found a gullible one here. Having managd to blag a sameday interview by just turning up at the ground, I proceed to overwhelm the chairman and his sychophants with tales of daring-do surrounding my exploits in Mexico, Columbia and more recently Peru. I must admit that I was more than suprised that I was offered the job there and then at a princely salary of £800 a month until the end of September. Well it was better than a kick in the nuts and at least I'd be earning something for the moment and, something is usually better than nothing, so without thinking too hard I signed the contract.
That was when the reality of what I had done started to sink in, the contract was Part time, so at least there was scope to earn some money elsewhere, but the media at the press conference left me in no doubt that a second job could well be my only source of income sooner rather than later, as Fjolnir would almost certainly be releagted from the Icelandic 1st Division by the end of the new season. The directors expected me to steer the club away from relegation and to that end, they have gave me bugger all in the shape of transfer funds but they did add that I couold have 40% of any funds, raised in sales, made available for transfers. What they didn't tell me was that we only had 9 players on our books and only two of them had any value attached to them (£1 and £3k), so there wasn't much chance of raising any funds by that route. There was also the little matter that the club was £6000 overdrawn ant that overdraft looked likely to increase from the moment I started operating. There was only one thing to be done at that point, meet the staff, think about tactics, training and ways of improving the staff both on the field and off it. To that end I had a monthly salary budget of £8500 to play with of which £752 was already accounted for.
THE BACKROOM STAFF:
The Coach: Open Book clearly the best coach on our books, that's because he's the only one. I fear for our future, the only double figure stats that he has are in Adabptability (10), Discipline (10) and Working With Youngsters (12), he could be Gary Glitter in disguise, but I think Open Book has a bit more up top and I don't mean brains.
The Scout: Severed Cannon is a determined disciplinarian, quite what that has to do with scouting, I haven't got a clue. I don't think this guy would know what a footballer looks like let alone could scout for one.
The Physio: One Arse at least his best attribute is the prrime attribute for his chosen profession, even if it is only a single figure number 9. I can foresee any injuries lasting a long time at this club.
It didn't take a genius to work out that we needed an Assistant Mmanager, more Coaches, Scouts and a decent Physiotherapist, so as soon as I'd viewed the players, I decided that a trip to the local Job Centre would be a priority. Meanwhile Severed Cannon was sent out on a mission in the pouring rain, to seek out anything Icelandic that was free, stupid and available.
Before attempting to give a run down the jokers that called themselves players, the club managed some initial successes in the backroom staff recruiting department;
The first success occurred a day after I arrived, when we managed to sign up a 67 year old Argentinian Scout Incomplete Angel who was immediately sent off to Scandinavia, to find any free mugs who might be interested in joining the cause. Another signing, an English man, 36 year old Free Range Cabbage joined as a scout and was sent on a 3 month tour of Central Europe, then 33yo English man Expensive Cowpat was signed up and told to scout Africa for 3 months. A couple of decent Physio joined the club; 58 year old Italian Dusted Cream and 53yo Italian Obsolete Zanussi.
The rushed signing of an Assistant Manager, a 52 year old English man called Mock Tennis, may have proved a premature move, as unexpectedly a much better option made himself available 2 hours after the ink had dried. He looked so good that I couldn't turn down, so 63 year old Italian Old Boss Hogg.
THE PLAYERS (All are Icelnadic and Only none greys are listed).
GK: Open Sore - 27 years old standing 6ft 2in tall. Initial impressions are that we ned another one, he's brave and has good reflexes, but handling abilities of 6 do not bode well for the future. He aboout as fit as Jim Royle (The Royle Family) on a bad day. Mind his £10 per month salary just about reflects his ability.
DL: Magnified Eye - A 5ft 11in, 23 year old. He's on £50 a month, and it shows. At least he's fit, fast and can tackle, He can also mark if the opposition aren't paying too much attention so may have some use in his early days. He's a good worker and team player too.
DC: Painted Gun - this 5ft 9in, 22 year old, has 11's for marking, heading and tackling, I guess at this level you can't ask for much more, but he's reasonable pace and stamina to, but you can't help feeling that his flair of 16 is somewhat misplaced in a centre back. For £15 per month he could be good value for money.
DC/DM: Hide Away - a 6ft, 20 year old who at £3000, happens to be the most valuable player on the books, but from his stats you woouldn't know it. At £300 per month he better have good potential. His technical ailities leave a fair bit to be desired but his mental and physical stats are ok. Let's hope our training regime improves him quickly.
MC: Exhausted Pipe - 5ft 10in and 19 years old, another one who surely can only improve, he doesn't seem to be paid anything, but has 3 years remaining on his current contract. He can jump and head a ball and accelerate fast but I guess it doesn't take long to reach the maximum speed of traction engine going uphill. with average Creativity, bravery and aggression he at least has something in his favour, but most of all he's costing us nothing.
MC: Trained Spotter - At 34 he's the oldest player in the team, I guess experience must count, because he doesn't have a lot else going for him. Bravery, Aggression and determination couped with team work, work rate and natural fitness are his good points. At 5ft 11in, he's tall but can't jump. If a ball comes in at head height he can put some sort of direction on it.
AM/FC: Bragging With Whores - probably the best and most gifted player in the team and certainly the best paid at £1000 a month. The 5ft 10in, 32 year old forward can finish and head a ball and also has other good technical abilities, his Mental stats are fine where it probably matters and he has good pace, acceleration and stregnth. All in all I'm happy with this one.
ST: Crime Of Ration - At 29, this 3ft 9in striker has the technical abilities of a paper boy. Ok, he can finish if he's five yards from an empty net, but that's about it. Having said that he's phisical and works for the team, so do the cleaners after the match.
ST: Stumpy - He's 23 and standing at 5ft 7in is the smallest member of the squad. Paid the princley sum of £10 per month he's probably our best striker. whilst in the technical department knows what a goal looks like even from 25 yards, it's his mental and physical attributes that stand out.
A number of friendlies had already been arranged the first of which snook up on me on the second day in charge. Based on what I had in front of me I'd opted for some sort of modified 3-4-1-2 tactic, coupled with a botched together training regime which had players schedules for Goalkepers, defenders, midfielders and forwards I hoped it would be enought to benefit the squad in the short period of time we had been together. A quick attempt to sign some reasonable players before the game failed miserably as nobody wanted to play in Iceland and maybe I was setting my sights too high.Our first opponents were KFS, I'm not sure which league they played in but they were Icelandic and on their home turf they fully expected a win; I'm sorry but they went home disappointed:
We kicked off and immediately lost the ball, KFS ran it towards our goal and scored with only 18 seconds on the clock. My mind was whirling and it wasn't through seasickness this time, it was more to do with thoughts like "WHY ME?", but with 17 minutes gone one of our greys challenged the keeper for a crossed ball, and headed home. Reports in the media indicating that he didn't mean to do it are totally unfair, the fact is that this particular grey walked off with the Man of The match award. It leaves me slightly worried. Stumpy gave us a lead on 38 when he was put through by a long ball from Hide Away and rounded the keeper to slot home in an empty net. KFS looked disappointed to be losing at half time, they were even more disappointed when they went 3-1 down 2 minutes into the second half. Man of The match Mr Grey sent Bragging with WHores clear with a lovely through ball, and Bragging With Whores lashed in a shot from 20 yards, beating the keeper at the near post. That's how the game finished a 3-1 win in whch our opponents thought they were unlucky to lose, whereas I thought we had actually done well. Oh and nobody turned up to watch the game on what turned out to be a mild (46F) wet day.
The Second day continued to improve as scout Brimless Cap reported fr duty and was sent scurrying back to the UK to search out freebies, we were also joined by coaches AOL Expert, Clever Ginger cake, Church Pelt and Empty Stetson whose combined abilities boosted our Goalkeeper training to 4 stars, Aerobics to 3 stars and eveything else to 2 Stars.
In the next friendly we entertained Premiership IA and shocked them as early as the 12th Minute with Crime Of Ration finishing off a superb cross from Stumpy. Our lead lasted 5 minutes as goalie Open Sore completely missed his kicked attempt at clearing a back pass and let in IA for an equaliser. On 38 a complete defensive shambles allowed IA to take the lead and they further increased it on 49. A hammering looked to be a reality but switching to a flooded midfield ina 3-5-2 formation started a fightback; A massive deflection from a 20 yard Bragging With Whores shot put us back in the game on 73 then a 83rd minute Magnified Eye penalty got us level. Unfortunately we wre undone 3 minutes into injury time and IA ran out 4-3 winners. Still it was a creditable effort to come so close against Premiership opposition. We just need to get some players in and things might be on the up.
A third friendly away to non-league Selfoss ended in a 1-1 draw we started well enough once we'd resorted to a flooded midfield and took the lead in first half injury time, from a well taken Bragging With Whores shot. The good work was completely undone when Painted Gun dallied too long with the ball in the penalty area on 57 and let Selfoss steal the ball to equalise. That summed the day up, nothing more than a bore draw. With no sign of any players willing to join yet, it looks as if this could be a long season.
With still no influx of new talent we took on another Premiership club, Þróttur Reykjavík, at home. A narrow 1-0 defeat from a 73rd minute goal shows we have some sort of potential in the team but without strengthening, that's all it is potential.
Finally 16 days into my tenure ar Fjolnir I manage to sign player, not a greatone but it's a start, Rafia Pudding a 23 year old AMR signs up until October 2008. He is closely followed by 36 year old Icelandic MC Minimal Use from rivals HK.Then 21 year old Icelandic AM/LC Almost A Munster joins the influx, from Premiership FH.
The new influx didn't have much bearing on an away friendly at AB of the Faroe Islands, as the game ended in a 2-2 draw, Crime Of Ration and Bragging With Whores were the scorers for Fjolnir. We played some good football, but the tactics weren't quite right on the day.
Next up 22yo Swedish FC, Begging For A Chance signs from Kallered. He's joined by 18 year old Swedish strike Storm In A teacup who hails from Linkoping, and 24 year old Icelandic striker Grommit. A 21 year old Norwegian AML is next to join the group, he goes by the name of Foghorn.
Foolowing a totally embarrassing 4-0 humping at some Faroe Isles team, We managed to secure the services of a 24 Icelandic Goalie, Snooker Loopy from none league Bouy IL and 20 year old Swedish keeper Shouting At Wolves joins from Koping, but what we are really lacking now is defenders and lots of them. Three weeks into my tenure and we finally manage to land an Icelandic defender, Framed For Posterity joins up and he can play as a Sweeper or DC or Right Back. Finally I can consider using a back four and maybe change the tactics to something more suitable for this shower. It's starting to come together, as RB Dirty Porthole joins from Hauker and 23yo Norwegian AM/RC Skytrain joins from Froyland. Yet another striker is signed from Husqvarna in Sweden, 19yo BMX Flyer looks to be a future prospect.
Three more coaches were signed before the next game which raised all training levels to at least 3 stars apart from Goalkeeping which remained at 4 stars. With more players available and the tactics switched to 4-1-2-2-1, the performance against B36 was much better, we managed to take the lead from an Almost A Munster strike, but failed to hold onto it when B36 equalised in the 57th minute. Still the defence looked more stable with 4 at the back and Darned Critter in the DMC holding role. The game ended 1-1 be Fjolnir were definitey the better side for most of the game. The following friendly at Streymur ended up as a 2-2 draw with us losing the lead twice, the goals came from Sky Train and Stumpy. I thinl we started the friendlies too early, there is another month and a half to go before the season starts with the Lower League cup competition. Still it gives me time to try to sort out this motley bunch of misfits.
So on to the next friendly away to FS Vagar and finally a win, and what a win, 5-1 up at half time with 3 goals from Storm In a Teacup, one from Foghorn and one from Sky Train, we were coasting. Only a penalty given away by trialist State Of Flux, when we were two up, marred the performance. Well that and a dead leg injury inflicted on Storm In A Teacup. Still the second period gave us chnce to pile on the agony for the home team as Fogorn grabbed his second and further goals from Painted Gun, Grommit and an Own Goal completed the 9-1 rout. A nice surpeise awaited us just before the next game at Royn, in the form of a report that Hida Away had been called up to the Iceland U21's squad to face Poland on 8th February, ie in 3 days time. The game itself saw us run out 3-0 winners with goals from BMX Flyer, Foghorn and Begging For A Chance. A tweaked newly training regime was kicking in and the players looked to be improving in general.This was prove in the next game as we notched a 3-3 draw against Premiership IA who had beaten us 4-3 earlier in the year. Goals from Foghorn, Sky Train and a late own goal ensured we shared the spoils of this one.
The next game again showed improvement as an earlier defeat against Þróttur Reykjavík, was superceeded by a 2-2 draw this time around. Goals from Almost A Munster and Rafia Pudding were enough to send the Premiership outfit home with something to think about. It was then on to a Norwegian tour starting at Asker were we recorded a stunning 6-2 win. The goals came from: BMX Flyer (3 in the first 30 minutes), Darned Ctitter, Almost A Munster and a rather farciacal own goal completed the set. This should boost team confidence no end.
A 28th minute strike by Storm In A Teacup was enough to settle the next friendly against Brummunddal. The wage bill is now a £120 over the £8,500 per month that I'm allowed to spend, the club debt has rocketed to £26k in just under 2 months, so mabe it's time to start looking at which players are surplus to my requirements, and as I'm playing with only one striker and there are 5 on the books it could be that Stumpy or CRime Of Ration will be found as surplus to requirements. In the end I decided to place Crime Of Ration on the list as Stumpy was responding reasonably well to training, and he only costs us £10 per month, whereas Crime Of Ration costs us £120 per month. Thank goodness there are only 4 more friendlies left now before the Cup games start, the first of which was won 2-0 away at Baerum, a first half from Darned Critter and an Own Goal did the damage. In the final game of the Norwegian tour, away to Hodd, a Grommit hatrick in the last 15 minutes following Hodd's 57th minute opener clinched the game, 3-1 for Fjolnir.
Into the final 2 friendlies now, the first a home game against Swedish minnows Aabyhoj; despite losing an early goal we made a strong comeback and a double strike from BMX Flyer and wing-back Orange Vegetable gave us a 3-1 win, in font of 80 brave souls who made the effort to watch on a wet march evening.
Onto the final friendly and 2 second half goals, from Sky Train and Storm In A Teacup, overcame a Vioir 3rd minute penalty. Icelandic non-lague side Vioir were despatched fairly easily, though the score suggests otherwise.
In the next update the real season will start, opening with the Lower League cup competition, which initially comprises of 5 Group games against other Lower League opposition. I presume at this point the Group winners progress. Fjolnir are in Group A along with Hauker, Sindri, Stjarnan, UMFN and our previous friendly opponents; Vioir.
As you will have guessed by now, despite the scene setting introduction this is not really going to be a story, it will be more a regular update of Fjolnir's progress, though, every now and then, it may slip into story style.
After weeks spent on the Atlantic, in a storm tossed trawler, smelling of fish, I was glad to be anywhere as long as it was on land. As I said anywhere would do, as long as it didn't rock and sway from side to side, as long as it didn't smell of fish and vomit. I'd spent much of the time clinging to a hammock not wishing to move until the world stopped spinning. Chrismas 2004 had passed in a dream as had New Years Eve, most of the crew had celebrated by eating raw fish, I think I managed to look into an empty bucket and heave, but there was some cause to be happy, I'd been told that we were planning to dock somewhere on the 2nd January 2005 and if I really wanted to I could leave the happy ship behind and make my own way home. How I got into this situation is a long story and not one I care to recount at this stage in my life, suffice to say on New Years Day 2005, all I could think of was getting off that damned boat.
The longed for day came and not a moment too soon, as we drew into port, realisation quickly dawned on me, I would get dry land, dry being a relative concept of course, it would be solid, stationary or whatever. It certainly wouldn't rock from side to side, well not unless an earthquake took place or volcano decided to erupt, but as we passed numerous fish factories of Reykjavik, I realised that all my wishes hadn't come true. I was short of cash, having lost most of my earnings in the onboard poker school and, I certainly wasn't looking forward to earning a little something, to get me home, in a fish processing plant. The thought of the stench still has me heaving even to this day.
That left me with one other option, putting my only other employable skill to work, football management, well I say football management, it's just a matter of blagging it really isn't it? Malcolm Allison did it for years, as have many other jokers such as Bryan Robson, Graham Taylor and Glen Hoddle, it was just a matter of finding someone mug enough to fall a line of patter. For once fortune smiled on me as I sat in a cafe sipping coffee trying to get some heat in my bones, I overheard a conversation by what I at first took to be a bunch of Viz fans, The conversation was punctuated at frequent intervals with the words Fnaarr, Fnaarr. Well to my uncultured ears that's what it sounded like, I thought here's a chance to make some aquaintences and perhaps sound out some employment possibilities. Well as you've guessed Fnaarr wasn't Fnaarr at all, the group were talking about a local football team called Fjolnir and it just so happened that the club was looking for a manager, bingo, it might be a longshot but it was the best I could have hoped for at that point. So with directions and my CV in hand I went off to find the managerless club.
When I say CV, I really meant my yellow and black bobble hat and scarf, which served as my lucky charms from happier times at Noisy-Le-Sec and even Southport. As I approached the ground, I was playing keepie uppie with a tennis ball I happened to keep in my Donkey Jacket pocket for such occassions when I need to impress gullible football chairmen and boy had I found a gullible one here. Having managd to blag a sameday interview by just turning up at the ground, I proceed to overwhelm the chairman and his sychophants with tales of daring-do surrounding my exploits in Mexico, Columbia and more recently Peru. I must admit that I was more than suprised that I was offered the job there and then at a princely salary of £800 a month until the end of September. Well it was better than a kick in the nuts and at least I'd be earning something for the moment and, something is usually better than nothing, so without thinking too hard I signed the contract.
That was when the reality of what I had done started to sink in, the contract was Part time, so at least there was scope to earn some money elsewhere, but the media at the press conference left me in no doubt that a second job could well be my only source of income sooner rather than later, as Fjolnir would almost certainly be releagted from the Icelandic 1st Division by the end of the new season. The directors expected me to steer the club away from relegation and to that end, they have gave me bugger all in the shape of transfer funds but they did add that I couold have 40% of any funds, raised in sales, made available for transfers. What they didn't tell me was that we only had 9 players on our books and only two of them had any value attached to them (£1 and £3k), so there wasn't much chance of raising any funds by that route. There was also the little matter that the club was £6000 overdrawn ant that overdraft looked likely to increase from the moment I started operating. There was only one thing to be done at that point, meet the staff, think about tactics, training and ways of improving the staff both on the field and off it. To that end I had a monthly salary budget of £8500 to play with of which £752 was already accounted for.
THE BACKROOM STAFF:
The Coach: Open Book clearly the best coach on our books, that's because he's the only one. I fear for our future, the only double figure stats that he has are in Adabptability (10), Discipline (10) and Working With Youngsters (12), he could be Gary Glitter in disguise, but I think Open Book has a bit more up top and I don't mean brains.
The Scout: Severed Cannon is a determined disciplinarian, quite what that has to do with scouting, I haven't got a clue. I don't think this guy would know what a footballer looks like let alone could scout for one.
The Physio: One Arse at least his best attribute is the prrime attribute for his chosen profession, even if it is only a single figure number 9. I can foresee any injuries lasting a long time at this club.
It didn't take a genius to work out that we needed an Assistant Mmanager, more Coaches, Scouts and a decent Physiotherapist, so as soon as I'd viewed the players, I decided that a trip to the local Job Centre would be a priority. Meanwhile Severed Cannon was sent out on a mission in the pouring rain, to seek out anything Icelandic that was free, stupid and available.
Before attempting to give a run down the jokers that called themselves players, the club managed some initial successes in the backroom staff recruiting department;
The first success occurred a day after I arrived, when we managed to sign up a 67 year old Argentinian Scout Incomplete Angel who was immediately sent off to Scandinavia, to find any free mugs who might be interested in joining the cause. Another signing, an English man, 36 year old Free Range Cabbage joined as a scout and was sent on a 3 month tour of Central Europe, then 33yo English man Expensive Cowpat was signed up and told to scout Africa for 3 months. A couple of decent Physio joined the club; 58 year old Italian Dusted Cream and 53yo Italian Obsolete Zanussi.
The rushed signing of an Assistant Manager, a 52 year old English man called Mock Tennis, may have proved a premature move, as unexpectedly a much better option made himself available 2 hours after the ink had dried. He looked so good that I couldn't turn down, so 63 year old Italian Old Boss Hogg.
THE PLAYERS (All are Icelnadic and Only none greys are listed).
GK: Open Sore - 27 years old standing 6ft 2in tall. Initial impressions are that we ned another one, he's brave and has good reflexes, but handling abilities of 6 do not bode well for the future. He aboout as fit as Jim Royle (The Royle Family) on a bad day. Mind his £10 per month salary just about reflects his ability.
DL: Magnified Eye - A 5ft 11in, 23 year old. He's on £50 a month, and it shows. At least he's fit, fast and can tackle, He can also mark if the opposition aren't paying too much attention so may have some use in his early days. He's a good worker and team player too.
DC: Painted Gun - this 5ft 9in, 22 year old, has 11's for marking, heading and tackling, I guess at this level you can't ask for much more, but he's reasonable pace and stamina to, but you can't help feeling that his flair of 16 is somewhat misplaced in a centre back. For £15 per month he could be good value for money.
DC/DM: Hide Away - a 6ft, 20 year old who at £3000, happens to be the most valuable player on the books, but from his stats you woouldn't know it. At £300 per month he better have good potential. His technical ailities leave a fair bit to be desired but his mental and physical stats are ok. Let's hope our training regime improves him quickly.
MC: Exhausted Pipe - 5ft 10in and 19 years old, another one who surely can only improve, he doesn't seem to be paid anything, but has 3 years remaining on his current contract. He can jump and head a ball and accelerate fast but I guess it doesn't take long to reach the maximum speed of traction engine going uphill. with average Creativity, bravery and aggression he at least has something in his favour, but most of all he's costing us nothing.
MC: Trained Spotter - At 34 he's the oldest player in the team, I guess experience must count, because he doesn't have a lot else going for him. Bravery, Aggression and determination couped with team work, work rate and natural fitness are his good points. At 5ft 11in, he's tall but can't jump. If a ball comes in at head height he can put some sort of direction on it.
AM/FC: Bragging With Whores - probably the best and most gifted player in the team and certainly the best paid at £1000 a month. The 5ft 10in, 32 year old forward can finish and head a ball and also has other good technical abilities, his Mental stats are fine where it probably matters and he has good pace, acceleration and stregnth. All in all I'm happy with this one.
ST: Crime Of Ration - At 29, this 3ft 9in striker has the technical abilities of a paper boy. Ok, he can finish if he's five yards from an empty net, but that's about it. Having said that he's phisical and works for the team, so do the cleaners after the match.
ST: Stumpy - He's 23 and standing at 5ft 7in is the smallest member of the squad. Paid the princley sum of £10 per month he's probably our best striker. whilst in the technical department knows what a goal looks like even from 25 yards, it's his mental and physical attributes that stand out.
A number of friendlies had already been arranged the first of which snook up on me on the second day in charge. Based on what I had in front of me I'd opted for some sort of modified 3-4-1-2 tactic, coupled with a botched together training regime which had players schedules for Goalkepers, defenders, midfielders and forwards I hoped it would be enought to benefit the squad in the short period of time we had been together. A quick attempt to sign some reasonable players before the game failed miserably as nobody wanted to play in Iceland and maybe I was setting my sights too high.Our first opponents were KFS, I'm not sure which league they played in but they were Icelandic and on their home turf they fully expected a win; I'm sorry but they went home disappointed:
We kicked off and immediately lost the ball, KFS ran it towards our goal and scored with only 18 seconds on the clock. My mind was whirling and it wasn't through seasickness this time, it was more to do with thoughts like "WHY ME?", but with 17 minutes gone one of our greys challenged the keeper for a crossed ball, and headed home. Reports in the media indicating that he didn't mean to do it are totally unfair, the fact is that this particular grey walked off with the Man of The match award. It leaves me slightly worried. Stumpy gave us a lead on 38 when he was put through by a long ball from Hide Away and rounded the keeper to slot home in an empty net. KFS looked disappointed to be losing at half time, they were even more disappointed when they went 3-1 down 2 minutes into the second half. Man of The match Mr Grey sent Bragging with WHores clear with a lovely through ball, and Bragging With Whores lashed in a shot from 20 yards, beating the keeper at the near post. That's how the game finished a 3-1 win in whch our opponents thought they were unlucky to lose, whereas I thought we had actually done well. Oh and nobody turned up to watch the game on what turned out to be a mild (46F) wet day.
The Second day continued to improve as scout Brimless Cap reported fr duty and was sent scurrying back to the UK to search out freebies, we were also joined by coaches AOL Expert, Clever Ginger cake, Church Pelt and Empty Stetson whose combined abilities boosted our Goalkeeper training to 4 stars, Aerobics to 3 stars and eveything else to 2 Stars.
In the next friendly we entertained Premiership IA and shocked them as early as the 12th Minute with Crime Of Ration finishing off a superb cross from Stumpy. Our lead lasted 5 minutes as goalie Open Sore completely missed his kicked attempt at clearing a back pass and let in IA for an equaliser. On 38 a complete defensive shambles allowed IA to take the lead and they further increased it on 49. A hammering looked to be a reality but switching to a flooded midfield ina 3-5-2 formation started a fightback; A massive deflection from a 20 yard Bragging With Whores shot put us back in the game on 73 then a 83rd minute Magnified Eye penalty got us level. Unfortunately we wre undone 3 minutes into injury time and IA ran out 4-3 winners. Still it was a creditable effort to come so close against Premiership opposition. We just need to get some players in and things might be on the up.
A third friendly away to non-league Selfoss ended in a 1-1 draw we started well enough once we'd resorted to a flooded midfield and took the lead in first half injury time, from a well taken Bragging With Whores shot. The good work was completely undone when Painted Gun dallied too long with the ball in the penalty area on 57 and let Selfoss steal the ball to equalise. That summed the day up, nothing more than a bore draw. With no sign of any players willing to join yet, it looks as if this could be a long season.
With still no influx of new talent we took on another Premiership club, Þróttur Reykjavík, at home. A narrow 1-0 defeat from a 73rd minute goal shows we have some sort of potential in the team but without strengthening, that's all it is potential.
Finally 16 days into my tenure ar Fjolnir I manage to sign player, not a greatone but it's a start, Rafia Pudding a 23 year old AMR signs up until October 2008. He is closely followed by 36 year old Icelandic MC Minimal Use from rivals HK.Then 21 year old Icelandic AM/LC Almost A Munster joins the influx, from Premiership FH.
The new influx didn't have much bearing on an away friendly at AB of the Faroe Islands, as the game ended in a 2-2 draw, Crime Of Ration and Bragging With Whores were the scorers for Fjolnir. We played some good football, but the tactics weren't quite right on the day.
Next up 22yo Swedish FC, Begging For A Chance signs from Kallered. He's joined by 18 year old Swedish strike Storm In A teacup who hails from Linkoping, and 24 year old Icelandic striker Grommit. A 21 year old Norwegian AML is next to join the group, he goes by the name of Foghorn.
Foolowing a totally embarrassing 4-0 humping at some Faroe Isles team, We managed to secure the services of a 24 Icelandic Goalie, Snooker Loopy from none league Bouy IL and 20 year old Swedish keeper Shouting At Wolves joins from Koping, but what we are really lacking now is defenders and lots of them. Three weeks into my tenure and we finally manage to land an Icelandic defender, Framed For Posterity joins up and he can play as a Sweeper or DC or Right Back. Finally I can consider using a back four and maybe change the tactics to something more suitable for this shower. It's starting to come together, as RB Dirty Porthole joins from Hauker and 23yo Norwegian AM/RC Skytrain joins from Froyland. Yet another striker is signed from Husqvarna in Sweden, 19yo BMX Flyer looks to be a future prospect.
Three more coaches were signed before the next game which raised all training levels to at least 3 stars apart from Goalkeeping which remained at 4 stars. With more players available and the tactics switched to 4-1-2-2-1, the performance against B36 was much better, we managed to take the lead from an Almost A Munster strike, but failed to hold onto it when B36 equalised in the 57th minute. Still the defence looked more stable with 4 at the back and Darned Critter in the DMC holding role. The game ended 1-1 be Fjolnir were definitey the better side for most of the game. The following friendly at Streymur ended up as a 2-2 draw with us losing the lead twice, the goals came from Sky Train and Stumpy. I thinl we started the friendlies too early, there is another month and a half to go before the season starts with the Lower League cup competition. Still it gives me time to try to sort out this motley bunch of misfits.
So on to the next friendly away to FS Vagar and finally a win, and what a win, 5-1 up at half time with 3 goals from Storm In a Teacup, one from Foghorn and one from Sky Train, we were coasting. Only a penalty given away by trialist State Of Flux, when we were two up, marred the performance. Well that and a dead leg injury inflicted on Storm In A Teacup. Still the second period gave us chnce to pile on the agony for the home team as Fogorn grabbed his second and further goals from Painted Gun, Grommit and an Own Goal completed the 9-1 rout. A nice surpeise awaited us just before the next game at Royn, in the form of a report that Hida Away had been called up to the Iceland U21's squad to face Poland on 8th February, ie in 3 days time. The game itself saw us run out 3-0 winners with goals from BMX Flyer, Foghorn and Begging For A Chance. A tweaked newly training regime was kicking in and the players looked to be improving in general.This was prove in the next game as we notched a 3-3 draw against Premiership IA who had beaten us 4-3 earlier in the year. Goals from Foghorn, Sky Train and a late own goal ensured we shared the spoils of this one.
The next game again showed improvement as an earlier defeat against Þróttur Reykjavík, was superceeded by a 2-2 draw this time around. Goals from Almost A Munster and Rafia Pudding were enough to send the Premiership outfit home with something to think about. It was then on to a Norwegian tour starting at Asker were we recorded a stunning 6-2 win. The goals came from: BMX Flyer (3 in the first 30 minutes), Darned Ctitter, Almost A Munster and a rather farciacal own goal completed the set. This should boost team confidence no end.
A 28th minute strike by Storm In A Teacup was enough to settle the next friendly against Brummunddal. The wage bill is now a £120 over the £8,500 per month that I'm allowed to spend, the club debt has rocketed to £26k in just under 2 months, so mabe it's time to start looking at which players are surplus to my requirements, and as I'm playing with only one striker and there are 5 on the books it could be that Stumpy or CRime Of Ration will be found as surplus to requirements. In the end I decided to place Crime Of Ration on the list as Stumpy was responding reasonably well to training, and he only costs us £10 per month, whereas Crime Of Ration costs us £120 per month. Thank goodness there are only 4 more friendlies left now before the Cup games start, the first of which was won 2-0 away at Baerum, a first half from Darned Critter and an Own Goal did the damage. In the final game of the Norwegian tour, away to Hodd, a Grommit hatrick in the last 15 minutes following Hodd's 57th minute opener clinched the game, 3-1 for Fjolnir.
Into the final 2 friendlies now, the first a home game against Swedish minnows Aabyhoj; despite losing an early goal we made a strong comeback and a double strike from BMX Flyer and wing-back Orange Vegetable gave us a 3-1 win, in font of 80 brave souls who made the effort to watch on a wet march evening.
Onto the final friendly and 2 second half goals, from Sky Train and Storm In A Teacup, overcame a Vioir 3rd minute penalty. Icelandic non-lague side Vioir were despatched fairly easily, though the score suggests otherwise.
In the next update the real season will start, opening with the Lower League cup competition, which initially comprises of 5 Group games against other Lower League opposition. I presume at this point the Group winners progress. Fjolnir are in Group A along with Hauker, Sindri, Stjarnan, UMFN and our previous friendly opponents; Vioir.
As you will have guessed by now, despite the scene setting introduction this is not really going to be a story, it will be more a regular update of Fjolnir's progress, though, every now and then, it may slip into story style.