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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 3, 2008 14:13:51 GMT
There were poked there by Dion Dublin's enormous horse cock.
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Post by Moo on Oct 3, 2008 14:34:57 GMT
Two fair points well made.
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Post by Sonic on Oct 3, 2008 15:09:32 GMT
Too many footballers smoke?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 3, 2008 17:46:00 GMT
Off-Season 2002 DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE? I spend most of the summer of 2002 at the chairman's delightful villa on the Bosphorus wearing a Linux Penguin posing pouch and alternating between sunning myself and doing vigorous hipthrusts towards Bill Gates' palacial sprawl across the river, sending Tux's sausage-filled beak flapping around like the retarded one from Happy Feet. But all of this fun and a great deal of sleeping with my pasty knackers hopefully blinding Billy Gates was constantly interrupted. Germany two, Iran nil!What? Nigeria one, Portugal two!Leave me alone. Cape Verde Islands one, Brazil three!Just fuck off will you! All bloody summer the world cup kept disturbing me when all I wanted to do was bask in the glory of my double and hopefully disturb Gates' life with my other pair of trophies. I mean, England didn't even qualify, having lost both legs of a qualifying play-in 2-1 against Belgium and none of the other home nations were there either. Ireland beat Holland 3-0 in Dublin but forgot to beat Andorra, twice; the Jocks finished one off the bottom of a group containing San Marino and Wales were out of it from the minute they lost their opener 5-2 at home to Armenia. I wasn't about to use the fabled "holiday" option though, because I'd probably fall asleep on the lawn and wake up in the year 2491 next to a well oiled Erin Gray in her latex jumpsuit. And I always preferred Princess Ardala myself. Eventually, the noise quietened down, as Argentina lifted the big pot with a 3-1 victory over Brazil courtesy of Claudio Lopez and Hernan Crespo, but by then people were on the phone trying to arrange friendlies and the scouts were really annoying, calling me up repeatedly to tell me about yet another player that one of the top five sides in Turkey definitely weren't going to sell me, because I'd ram them back down their throats twice a season. Some things worth reporting did happen in the remainder of the summer though : 1. I bought the Pantylicker. Oh yes I did. I didn't want to do it, but the scouts warned me that Samsunspor were sniffing around Mr Marko after Pantelic's Croatian side were relegated and while I would have been happy to ignore him while he was in another country, I wasn't going to have him running around my defenders in someone else's colours. Samsunspor and Trabzonspor both bid an even €1m and eventually I snaffled him for €950,000. :humb: 2. No sooner had I landed the licker, when I had Oksana send my CV off to South America, as the Palmeiras job opened up and for some reason I was apathetic about defending the Turkish pots. However, they turned me down. I also had a CV ready for Spurs, but for some reason they totally fail to sack George Graham, so we're all spared there. 3. I sent in a €33,000,000 bid for a disgruntled Ronaldinho. Full expecting to only be in Istanbul for another season at most I wasn't too worried about wanking what was left of our cash over the donkey from Shrek. Gremio turned it down, so I waded back in with a €42,500,000 offer. My chairman's sphincter went tight enough to snap diamonds when Gremio accepted, but then Ronaldinho changed his mind and decided to hang out in Brazil until the end of the season. When he can leave for free. 4. I took the money I didn't spend on the human bottle opener and stuck it on a couple of Turkish defenders - Murat Yakin who was happy to leave Kaiserslautern and come to Istanbul as he was listed as "homesick"... for Switzerland... and Kutlu Hakan from Ankaragücü. Hakan's an old fucker, but I couldn't find any decent defenders and he'll be ok for a year or two. Juventus took the money they didn't spend on Ronaldinho and pushed all in for Patrick Vieira, settling for the bargain price of €54,000,000. Which deserves a But Juve were outdone by Valencia, who spanked €28,000,000 on Martin Palermo. Not as much as Juve wasted, sure, but the week before the Spaniards broke out the chequebook Palermo was available on a Bosman.
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Post by Boony on Oct 3, 2008 20:57:38 GMT
You're still funny, s1ut, although I'm slightly disturbed by the Linux penguin pants sequence. What the pantfish was that all about?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 3, 2008 21:09:37 GMT
Bill Gates has a summer house on the shores of the Bosphorus and I thought he'd appreciate the view.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 3, 2008 22:55:42 GMT
I suppose if I'm staying, I should give out some sort of presser about the Bernard Matthews squad.
GOALKEEPER I'm in the fortunate situation of having two good blokes to put between the sticks, which also turns out to be an unfortunate situation because they both want to play.
As a result, I shuffle them about a bit - Köse Ekrem started 29 games last year, while 20 year old Soyupak Ilkay played in 20(1). Ekren is six years Ilkay's elder and covers for his surprisingly poor agility with good positioning and reflexes.
DEFENCE The defence is one of the two parts of the team still worrying me as I try to find the answer in the middle. Star man Markus Münch is a fire-and-forget player who you can plug in at left back knowing he's very unlikely to rate less than a 7. On the other side we start Dmitry Khlestov, who's a bit more up and down than Münch and the "up" isn't as high either.
In the middle we have a clutch of players who aren't quite good enough. Sead Halilagic played a lot last year, but it's disturbing when a defenders best traits are his penalty taking and his prowess at attacking corners.
Alongside him is Uruguayan Federico Bergara who was patchy last year, riding a good end to the season to a 7.07 rating in 29(1) games.
I'm hoping Bergara will improve dramatically when he learns basic Turkish. Khlestov and Münch both moved to fluent Turkish over the summer.
MIDFIELD Supplanting Münch as Fan's Player of the Year last year was D/DMRC Miroslav Karhan. The Slovakian has no real weakness in his game, save for the lower rated flair and creativity you'd expect from a midfield workhorse. He was played most often in midfield alongside the uninamed Tayfun.
Tayfun was our record purchase when he came in from Real Sociedad and the board have fallen in love with him, telling me how great he is every four weeks. Like Karhan he doesn't have much flair or creativity, but the two make for a solid base from which our wingers and AMCs can build.
Out on those wings you'll usually find AML Elvir Baljic and FRC Kahveci Nihat. Baljic was a Nevio Scala buy who came in after Scala was sacked and took some time to bed down. Now though he's often in the Captain's armband and is a steady performer on the left. Best of all, he earned his Turkish passport, allowing me to bring in another foreigner.
Nihat is played out of position due to the dearth of MRs on the team, but settled in well, earning his first two Turkish caps last year playing on the right for the national team.
Both are good on the ball, decent enough at crossing, better than quick and have excellent technique.
On the point behind the lone striker you'll most often find AMC Akman Ayhan who scored a handy 12 goals last year and made six assists.
Helping out often are DMC Havutçu Tayfur and AMc Eris Ceyhun.
FORWARDS Up front the story begins and ends for us with Ahmet Dursun. Scorer of 21 goals across all competitions last year, when Dursun was firing we were pretty much unstoppable.
Lacks a bit of strength and a bit of teamwork, which means he can occasionally be muscled out of a game, but that's why we keep a big fella on the bench for when Dursun needs a few elbows in support.
For now, that "big fella" is Sözkesen Murat, a 27 year old who wasn't doing much as Buraspor, but caught my eye in a pre-season game and came over to score nine times in 6(12) appearances.
Strong and above average in the air, Murat could be a real wrecker if he were a little more determined.
Behind those two we have the inconsistent Ulusal Fazli and now, of course, Marko "Pantylicker" Pantelic waiting for his chance.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 4, 2008 4:19:23 GMT
July/August 2002 So if you limp through the pre-season and then get routinely hammered in some tinpot, err, tin pot competition and then go on to win the title, is it good or bad news when the following year you make a fight of things and only lose the tinpot tin pot because of an injury when you already have all your subs on? We beat Fenerbahçe 1-0 in the first round of the nonsense Writer's Association Cup and then hold a 1-0 lead over Galatasaray when Sead Halilagic is injured, leaving us with a hole at DC and no one to fill it. Galatasaray score two late goals through that gap to win the game and the cup. "Cimbom", (that's a lot easier than typing out "Galatasaray" all the time... all those "A's"...), then have a hot start to the league campaign too, winning their first three games, 5-1, 2-0 and 2-1. Of course, they won their first five last season, without allowing a goal, and then failed to qualify for Europe, so this year they'll probably be relegated. Our own form has been many things in August. We open the month by taking the lead twice away to Adanaspor, only to throw it away twice and sneak out with a point when we could have had three - Halilagic's injury suffered in the stupid Writer's cup has really unsettled our defensive middle. After the away draw, we Jekyll and Hyde our game at home to Gençlerbirligi, scoring three goals in 14 minutes, four in 17, including a hattrick for Ahmet Dursun and then lead 5-0 after half an hour. Then we don't appear to actually come out for the second half, leading to more and more swearing on my part as we allow Gençlerbirligi back to 5-2. I don't feel like we're going to toss the game away, I'm just furious that we were so ruthless in the first half and then so lazy in the second. I throw on a clutch of subs and Sözkesen Murat scores to make it 6-2, which allays my fury a little, but then we allow the visitors to score again, within a minute. Safe to say it's the angriest I've been after a 6-3 win. Then in the final game of the month, we look like consumate professionals as we go on the road to a newly promoted team and come away with a 3-0 win, thanks to a brace from Miroslav Karhan and a first league goal for Mark Pantelic. We go from hard working to deadly to lazy to professional inside three games of football. Off the field I continue to slosh the cash around, taking the chance to annoy Fenerbahçe when their winger Yalçin Sergen gets the UNH. I stick a bid in which they turn down, but then he throws a strop about wanting a new challenge and eventually they're forced to sell. It's a record deal for Besiktas as Sergen costs €17,000,000 but really he's two players - the one we have and the one that Fenerbahçe don't any more. Plus €6,500,000 of the fee is dependent on international caps. We also sign AMR Kahraman Ilyas and MC Anders Andersson for €1,500,000 each. Finding a plain MR appears to be impossible and we still haven't found a DC to make us feel comfy. At the end of the month the draw for the LAC drops in and we're in Group 1, which looks a lot like this : ---------------------------------------------------------- European Champions Cup - Group 1Besiktas Celtic Dortmund PSV Eindhoven---------------------------------------------------------- We open in Germany, then come home for Celtic and PSV. I'm probably tempting fate here, but I'll be really disappointed if I don't make it out of that lot.
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Post by Sonic on Oct 4, 2008 15:02:42 GMT
Nice start to the season, especially if last season was anything to go by. I especially like the baiting of Gates KUTGW :thumb:
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Post by Moo on Oct 6, 2008 7:51:11 GMT
It's a scary thought, the Penguin. Is there a Chilly Willy joke there somewhere? Maybe not....
Nice work on a few things here, notable the two signings of note; Pantylicker and Sergun. I whole-heartedly endorse the process of knacking other clubs like that.
KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 6, 2008 13:09:57 GMT
September 2002 I don't know who I upset in September, but the tackles are fair flying in this month, as my opponents finish the month with eleven yellow cards and an impressive four red cards. Half of those red cards come in the league trip to dangerous Samsunspor on the 15th. The home side have Andrés Chitiva sent off on just four minutes and then keeper Alioum Bokar gets second use of the soap just before the hour. Ahmet Dursun scores once against ten men and once against nine. Dursun had opened the month with another brace, in the 2-1 win over Antepspor and then in the third league game it's Marko Pantelic with the pair in a 3-0 win over Siirt JETPA. Our last league game is away to Bursaspor and it's one of those efforts where they score from their only shot of the game and their keeper gets MoM as we draw 1-1, despite outshooting them 17/11 to 1/1. We're lucky that Cimbom lose for the first time and so our point actually closes the gap to the top. Still, there's always the LAC, eh? We open that competition in Germany away to Dortmund and the home side are really pushing us hard looking for a goal when Vladimir Bestchastnykh shoves Anders Andersson to the ground, (something I'd like to do, for the way he's playing), and sees red. We don't push too hard for a winner, not wanting to leak a goal and end up with no goals, but one point. Then Celtic come into Istanbul and we're off to a bad start as keeper Köse Ekrem has a mare, spilling a shot that Jari Litmanen taps in. At the half still trailing 1-0 I swap keepers and then go a bit more direct and Akman Ayhan grabs an equliser. With ten minutes to go Ayhan becomes the third Besiktas player this month with two goals in a game and we've beaten the unwashed 2-1. The final game in September is the visit of PSV and we really need a win because with Meteja Kezman and Ruud van Nistelrooy up front, this lot are likely to turn us over in Holland. We're behind on just two minutes, which is nice, and in more trouble as Ruud hits the bar with a header and then somehow turns a "He can't miss" opportunity into a shot that hits the post and goes wide. So we're fortunate to go in to the break just behind a single goal and with a switch to wingers holding the ball with forward runs from the middle, hoping for some overload up front. On 66 minutes something works, as Ahmet Dursun goes on a weaving run, skips around the PSV keeper and taps home the equaliser. Just two minutes later Dursun is off again, skips around Ronald Watterreus in the PSV goal and... whoops!... the big keeper trips Dursun and gets his own red card. Jerzy Dudek comes in off the bench and his first touch of the ball is to put Dursun's spot kick out of the net. We win 2-1 and top our LAC table. LEAGUE Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1st Galatasaray 7 3 0 0 5 1 3 0 1 10 4 18 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2nd Besiktas 7 3 0 0 11 4 2 2 0 8 3 17 3rd Istanbulspor 7 3 1 0 8 4 2 0 1 3 2 16 4th Adanaspor 7 2 1 0 6 4 3 0 1 6 4 16 5th Fenerbahçe 7 3 0 0 9 0 0 4 0 6 6 13 6th G. Antepspor 7 2 1 1 11 5 2 0 1 7 5 13 7th Ç. Rizespor 6 2 1 0 7 3 2 0 1 7 5 13 8th Samsunspor 7 2 1 1 10 5 1 1 1 6 4 11 9th Kocaelispor 7 2 1 1 8 4 1 0 2 2 5 10 10th Altay 7 3 0 1 8 3 0 0 3 2 5 9 11th Bursaspor 7 1 2 1 5 6 1 0 2 2 5 8 12th Siirt JETPA 7 1 1 2 8 10 1 0 2 4 5 7 13th Denizlispor 7 2 0 1 5 4 0 0 4 4 12 6 14th Trabzonspor 6 0 1 2 1 5 1 1 1 5 4 5 15th E. Sehirspor 7 0 0 3 2 8 1 1 2 7 12 4 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16th Ankaragücü 7 0 0 4 2 10 1 1 1 3 6 4 17th G. Birligi 7 0 1 2 3 6 0 1 3 5 14 2 18th Izmirspor 7 0 1 2 3 8 0 1 3 3 11 2
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1st Besiktas TUR 3 2 0 0 4 2 0 1 0 0 0 7 2nd PSV HOL 3 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 2 4 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3rd Dortmund GER 3 1 1 0 3 0 0 0 1 0 1 4 4th Celtic SCO 3 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 2 1 5 1
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Post by Boony on Oct 6, 2008 13:17:27 GMT
Great month again, s1ut. Fenerbache's league form is interesting. They've not let a goal in at home, and have won all three games, while they can't stop drawing away from home. This would be seen as perfect Champions League form (like how you've started), but it's not enough to climb into the top four of the Turkish league...
Who did Galatasaray lose to? When do you play the big two?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 6, 2008 13:28:58 GMT
Istanbulspor beat Galatasaray 2-0 at home - I beat Istanbulspor 3-0(A) and 3-1(H) last year, but they've come out of the traps quickly this year. They haven't even spent €1m this season, so I'm hoping it's an AI mirage that will crumble when I play them in the first game in October.
I've got Cimbom (A) on 1st December and then I'm home to Fenerbahçe on the 15th of December - happy Christmas!
I don't know what Fenerbahçe's problem is so far - they're still playing the 5-3-2, (or 3-2-2-1-2, as it is), which they probably don't need to with the talent advantage they have over 90% of Turkish sides. They're struggling in the LAC too - lost their opener 1-2 in Belgium against Charleroi then drew 2-2 at home with Fiorentina before losing in Holland against Feyenoord.
Amusingly, Cimbom lost 1-0 in Denmark to FC Kobenhavn in the WAFER and then drew 0-0 at home to crash out in the first round. Of course it won't be all that amusing when they're all fresh throughout the year and I'm knackered from, hopefully, a LAC run.
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Post by Boony on Oct 6, 2008 13:33:06 GMT
Why Cimbom? I never did get that.
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Post by Moo on Oct 6, 2008 13:44:12 GMT
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Oct 6, 2008 17:51:44 GMT
October 2002 October is an up and down month, with the first suggestions of tactical crackage as we struggle to score goals in a couple of supposedly routine league games. The first of those is at home to Istanbulspor who have had a very good start to the season. That start gets better as they run into a 1-0 lead and then despite our repeated and increasingly desperate attacks, they hold on almost to the end.; only a late own goal salvaging a point for us. Then in the last league game of the month, we smash Çaykun Rizespor, but end up with a scoreless draw as their keeper wins the MoM. Inebtween, however, we cruise to two 3-0 wins, away to Altay and at home to Ankaragücü. Marko Pantelic grabs a brilliant second half hattrick in the Altay game, while the goals against Ankara are split between Elvir Baljic and two first time scorers, Kahraman Ilyas and Dmitry Khlestov. Fortunately for us, after holding us to a draw, Istanbulspor spank Fenerbahçe 3-1 at home, so in the space of three games they've beaten the big two and drawn against us. Cimbom look fairly serene until the last game of the month, when they drop a 1-1 with lowly Kocaelispor - all in all, a set of results that lift us to the top of the table, although Galatasaray do have a game in hand. In the LAC we had the return leg with PSV to contend with and went to Holland feeling fairly pensive. A very defensive outlook saw us to the break at 0-0, but then Kezman fired in a 20 yarder, giving him a goal in both legs. We're still trailing with 10 minutes to go, but then Mr Reliable Ahmet Dursun shows up and scores his twelfth goal of the fledgling campaign to even the scores. I'll happily settle for the draw, but then keeper Jerzy Dudek gets injured and that seems to spur us on. Dudek was only starting after Ronald Wattereus was red carded in the first game between us. With PSV down to their third keeper we start raining shots in from everywhere and eventually Dmitry Khlestov goes from no goals all year to two in two games as the fullback cracks in an effort from the edge of the box. Celtic's win in Dortmund means we're virtually assured of progression, regardless of what else happens. That turns out to be fortunate, because "what else happens" is our goalie being sent off in the return with Dortmund, allowing the Germans to leave Turkey with a 2-1 win. We're leading 1-0 when Köse Ekrem is sent off for a professional foul on just 28 minutes and when Dortmund convert the penalty to even the scores we're left trying to hold on with ten men for an hour - Dedê's 82nd minute goal eventually puts us out of our misery. The good news is that Celtic and PSV draw 0-0 in Holland, confirming our progress to the next round. More goods news is that the game sets a record for gate receipts, as we coin more than €1,100,00 from the tickets. Still clawing around for a defender, I splash the money earned from Europe so far on another DC - Adanaspor's Yanyali Timur. Timur has averaged 7.56 so far this year, helping Adanaspor to 6th place. Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1st Besiktas 11 4 1 0 15 5 3 3 0 11 3 25 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2nd Galatasaray 10 4 1 0 7 2 4 0 1 11 4 25 3rd Istanbulspor 10 4 1 0 11 5 3 1 1 7 3 23 4th Samsunspor 10 3 1 1 13 5 3 1 1 9 5 20 5th Ç. Rizespor 11 3 2 1 13 6 3 0 2 8 6 20 6th Adanaspor 10 2 3 0 10 8 3 0 2 8 7 18 7th G. Antepspor 10 3 1 1 14 5 2 1 2 9 8 17 8th Fenerbahçe 10 4 0 1 12 3 0 4 1 7 9 16 9th Kocaelispor 10 3 1 1 9 4 1 1 3 3 11 14 10th Altay 10 3 0 2 8 6 1 0 4 6 9 12 11th Denizlispor 10 4 0 1 11 7 0 0 5 5 17 12 12th Trabzonspor 10 1 1 3 6 6 2 1 2 9 8 11 13th Siirt JETPA 10 1 1 3 9 12 2 1 2 9 8 11 14th Bursaspor 10 2 2 1 8 8 1 0 4 4 11 11 15th G. Birligi 10 1 1 3 7 10 1 1 3 7 15 8 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16th Ankaragücü 10 1 0 4 4 10 1 1 3 4 12 7 17th E. Sehirspor 10 0 0 5 3 11 1 1 3 7 14 4 18th Izmirspor 10 0 1 4 4 14 0 1 4 3 14 2
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Post by Boony on Oct 6, 2008 17:59:33 GMT
You decline to mention that you're the only unbeaten team left in the league. :thumb:
Nice progression in the LAC, too :thumb:
:thumb: all round, then...
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Post by Sonic on Oct 7, 2008 3:59:18 GMT
More goods news is that the game sets a record for gate receipts, as we coin more than €1,100,00 from the tickets. Wow, all of that? That's great filthy lucre. Well done on you top run in the LAC, and in the League too. KUTGW :thumb:
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Post by Moo on Oct 7, 2008 7:53:22 GMT
Not bad, I suppose. :moose:
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Post by coffers on Oct 7, 2008 8:31:12 GMT
I concur
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Post by floplexter on Oct 7, 2008 12:52:25 GMT
I would never manage in Turkey, because it all looks shit and they have stupid names to boot.
All in all, great work, especially that bit.
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Post by Moo on Oct 8, 2008 7:52:03 GMT
You can't argue with that sort of logic. Pops: KUTGW!
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