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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 28, 2006 18:34:51 GMT
That's what the team's budget went on, apparently. As you can see if you load in Pivara's site, which would embarrass many a club with a lot more money. So, we've no money, but hey! At least our web presence has a kicking beat! --------------------------------------------------------------- Rules and other things to keep Boony happy. 1. Large database 2. Leagues : SnM, Death-of-Nark, Hungry, LokoChita. 3. Using random names, so you folks can not nickname all you like. 4. Must call Moo a cock, every third update. 5. Honest intention to play batshit crazy attacking tactics, regardless of outcome. 6. In the spirit of realism, to appease the LLAMA assho gods, I shall kick a small dog, after every defeat. 7. I think that's it. 8. Yes, it is. 9. Off we go then. ---------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by Narcizo on Jun 28, 2006 18:52:03 GMT
That website is ridiculous. I particularly like the bit where you get the team in formation up and the little sprite enlarges when you point to the appropriate player name. It's about 50 times better than the MFF one.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 28, 2006 19:26:53 GMT
Right then, lads, everyone next to the fat referee for the team picture. All together, nice and organised. Ok, so the photographer cut half the team off and Boony seems to have snuck into the back row, (surprise), but otherwise, well done. At the sight of a passing aircraft, CSK fans light flartes in the hopes of being rescued. An unfortunate birth defect continues to cause problems for centreback Nike Bonce.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 28, 2006 19:33:09 GMT
That website is ridiculous. I particularly like the bit where you get the team in formation up and the little sprite enlarges when you point to the appropriate player name. It's about 50 times better than the MFF one. It doesn't quite work though, Narkle, unless they're startting two bipolar players, as 10 and 11 and 7 and 9 are the same poppy-up sprites.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 28, 2006 20:31:20 GMT
Flartes?
Recipe, mix phosphorus with beans. Eat. Wait.
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Post by DC on Jun 28, 2006 21:02:23 GMT
That website is ridiculous. I particularly like the bit where you get the team in formation up and the little sprite enlarges when you point to the appropriate player name. It's about 50 times better than the MFF one. It doesn't quite work though, Narkle, unless they're startting two bipolar players, as 10 and 11 and 7 and 9 are the same poppy-up sprites. I believe the numbers are their shirt numbers, and the pop up spritey thing relates to their position on the field :checkit: At least that's my guess, except one of their reserve keepers is down as a right sided attacker. However number 1 and 2 are both goalkeepers, and the goalkeeper sprite both bounce up for them.
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Post by Narcizo on Jun 29, 2006 6:32:13 GMT
Reserve keeper as a right-side attacker? Pops is managing them.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 29, 2006 7:33:31 GMT
It doesn't quite work though, Narkle, unless they're startting two bipolar players, as 10 and 11 and 7 and 9 are the same poppy-up sprites. I believe the numbers are their shirt numbers, and the pop up spritey thing relates to their position on the field At least that's my guess, except one of their reserve keepers is down as a right sided attacker. However number 1 and 2 are both goalkeepers, and the goalkeeper sprite both bounce up for them. Ah. I didn't notice the scrolly down button and had missed the rest of the squad entirely. Am I fired?
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Post by coffers on Jun 29, 2006 8:01:58 GMT
Ah. I didn't notice the scrolly down button and had missed the rest of the squad entirely. Am I fired? Not yet, you seem to be a quick learner. :humb: Anyhow in the spirit of these things: Is this thing still going?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 29, 2006 8:32:52 GMT
Pre Season
And lo, there was much kicking of balls, especially of goalkeeper Toad who set the standard pretty high when he let in five of the first six shots he faced.
0-2 Hajduk Lion 0-3 Olomouc - Holice 2-0 Milan (V) 1-1 Polonia 2-0 Buducnost (V) 5-0 Goc
I don't know why, but lots of teams have letters after their names, in parenthesis. I imagine if the standings form into a certain order, the letters combine into an ASCII map revealing the location of the Pantylicker.
Or it could be a weather report. (V) = mild. (.V.) = chilly.
Anyway, we can't be having with any of this signing players business, as we add a couple of spotty oiks, one of whom is 14 years old, (Graeme Rix joke here), the other, 16. The the transfer window closes, without us breaking out the cash.
We will be soaring to the top of the Marks and Spencer League with the fine array of talent that was already here.
Goolies Handed the famous 1 jersey is Fashion Pony if only because he's the only one who doesn't drop stuff when handed anything. He's 6'2", which is much better than the 5'9" clown I'm trying to protect in St Albans.
Pony has the reflexes of a cat, but despite standing 74 inches high and having a jumping of 18/20, he's crap in the air.
Illegal Baby sits on the bench in a green shirt, because he thinks it brings out the colour in his eyes. We're hoping he'll develop over the next couple of seasons. Primarily because he's 33 now and it'd be nice to get some use out of him before he retires.
First stringer Toad didn't make the best of impressions when he let in the first two shots he faced, before earning a second chance when he accidentally saved the third. Made the best of his second chance by leaking three goals on three shots in his second game. Bye now!
Defenderers Lonely Lizard starts at right back, is quick, can tackle and only 17 years old. What the hell are you doing here?
His compatriot at the position that used to be shall not be named but now is not as blasphemous as it used to be is Socks, who is quick can tackle and.. wait... two good fullbacks? Is there an insurance policy option in this game? These two are marked for death already, I'm sure.
Starting In the middle are the cranially-challenged Nike Bonce and compatriat The Rat who worryingly rank 1-2 on the team in flair. A key stat to any centre half.
You get seven subs in Marks and Spencer, which is bad news for SW DC Smoker's Dog and D WBL Queen Village as they'll get to sit on the uncomfortable bench instead of in the stands, lighting their flartes.
Metal Wiki has all the talent to start at centre half for anyone in the division, but has taken it right in the hoop from God, as he's only 5'7", which is hardly towering defensive presence. We're desperately retraining him as a DM, even though we don't use one.
Sore Necks If I was allowed one word to describe our midfield, it would be tall. If I was allowed two words to describe our midfield, it would be tally tall. Luckily, they'll mostly be watching the ball punted over their heads by our lot, while trying to make use of their tally tallness to stop the opposition from doing same.
Experimental Biscuits starts on the right side of a three man midfield, with Old Navy on the left, sandwiching a collection of genitically gifted individuals, made up from Minty Dragon, Circus Jelly and Pocket Deuces, depending on who's feeling especially tall that week.
Everyone laughs at Dragon because he's only 6'1". At 17.
BANZAI! We'll be playing an exciting 3-1-3-3 formation, to live up to rule number five. FR Ant is an enigma, in that the AssMan says he should start, but then doesn't pick hiim if you ask the AssMan to pick the team. He also says we should replace him as soon as possible, even though he looks about the most gifted player we've got and he's only 21.
FL Lightbulb Lunchbreak is old and a bit crap, but can be relied upon. If we ned a 7/10 he'll give us a 7/10. If we need an 8/10, he'll give us a 7/10. He'll be challenged by Jupiter Coastline, who's joyfully erratic.
Already challenging for my favouritist player ever though, is forward Skirt. About eight seconds into our first game it became apparent that Skirt is completely unmarkable. We haven't yet seen a single defender come anywhere near having any idea whatsoever to do with the 31 year old striker, even though he's been the only ST in each game so far, against two DCs and sometimes two DCs and a DM, even though he has only 10 pace.
Sadly though, four seconds after those first eight seconds, it became clear that, while he has the movement and predatory instincts of Andy Cole, his finishing is more reminiscent of Nat King Cole, as he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Socks has nine shots in the game against Hajduk, none of them on target. He does better against Holice, putting one on target from five attempts, but backs it up with a positional sense that would make Pipo Inzaghi cry, as he's caught offside seven times in the first two weeks. Wonderful.
Skirt will be backed up by He Fell Over who has pace, but weighs less than his shirt and when he has the ball, looks a lot like one of those National Geographic rhinos, after Dave Attenborough has shot it in the arse with a hypodermic.
20 year old Sieve will see plenty of time on the bench, because at 5'9" and 14 stones, he blocks the wind.
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Post by Moo on Jun 29, 2006 8:52:15 GMT
What the hell is that formation? Nice work, BTW. You're so much funnier than Hornet when writing stories.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 29, 2006 9:10:27 GMT
What, this formation? Come Dancing 2. Now, in theatres. In Serbia. And Possibly Montenegro.
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Post by Moo on Jun 29, 2006 9:12:44 GMT
Come Dancing v2.1 I like it.
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Post by coffers on Jun 29, 2006 9:12:47 GMT
Oh dear S1ut is taking this seriously. :humb:
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Post by floplexter on Jun 29, 2006 9:46:37 GMT
Class. I heard Nat King was a demon finisher, though.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 29, 2006 10:50:44 GMT
August 2005
Bezanija vs CSK CSK 9-4 / Draw 9-4 / Bezanija Evens (Fav) The start of the game sees Bexanija come out with two DCs and a DM who organise between them to mark the slippery Skirt, which sounds like the sort of thing Bill Clinton was into. I imagine the conversation goes something like "Right! Provided we keep that fella between the free of us, nuffink can go wro... where'd he go?." The where would be behind you and it's 1-0 CSK, as Skirt nips away from his triumvirate of markers to knock home the opener on six minutes. On 45 minutes, Skirt is away again and it's 2-0 as the defenders do find him this time, but only to hack him down in the area. He Fell Over converting the kick two minutes after he comes on for Ant who picked up a knock. Bezanija 0-2 CSK - Skirt, 6 - He Fell Over, 45(pen) - Lightbulb Lunchbreak[/size] MARKS AND SPENCER CUP Qualfying Round Qualifying Phase Two BSK Borca vs CSK CSK 4-7 (Fav) / Draw 5-2 / BSK Borca 4-1 So, wait. Is this qualifying? No one's told me. Am I qualifying for the cup or qualifying for the qualifying round, in which I can qualify for the cup? Borca are rubbish, so their chances of marking Skirt are limited. So they resort to kicking him, which sounds like a plan, sort of, provided he isn't in the area at the time. Two penalties, two goals for The Rat and we're through the the Qualifying Round Qualifying Phase Three Qualifying Session. BSK Borca 0-2 CSK - The Rat, 21, 66 (2 pen) - The Rat[/size] CSK vs OFK Nis CSK 7-4 / Draw 11-5 / OFK Nis 5-4 (Fav) 405 people show up in 31 degree heat and are thankful for the blaring sun, as heat stroke might be the only thing they take home from this game. OFK play a 5-3-2 with wingbacks, making it a 3-3-2-1-1 system, really, which isn't threatening us, but is totally killing our attack, as we've no space down the flanks and it doesn't matter if we bemuse people with our formation's arrows of doom, as numbers is covering for confusion. So it's a shame really, that nobody gets to mark Skirt for a full 90 minutes. It doesn't happen. Or rather it does, because there are actually 92 minutes on the clock when Skirt rises to head home a long cross from Lonely Lizard for a 1-0 win. CSK 1-0 OFK Nis - Skirt, 90+ - Lonely Lizard[/size]
It's about now that I get bored of the fools who pass for scouts sending me a collection of dross, so I fire both, paying out £7k to just make the people go away, but only after I find out it'll cost me £10k to have them both killed. I bring in three new scouts who have 13 for ability or potential or both, so that my time will be slightly less wasted. I also bring in three new coaches with tactical abilities, so that they can explain my formation to me.
MARKS AND SPENCER CUP Qualfying Round Qualifying Phase Three CSK vs Radnicki CSK 4-6 (Fav) / Draw 9-4 / Radnicki 7-2 Careful sir! They're using arrows! A 5-3-2 with four positional arrows... OOoooooooooooh, I'm so scared. I've got four arrows in midfield alone. Amateurs. I give Skirt the day off, because my training regime may have been a little amitious and everyone's knackered. I also want to have a look at 16 year old forward Ursa Major who I picked up for free and looks pretty handy. So, yeah, handy. On 9 minutes he breaks the offisde trap, stopping to laugh at the right back's paltry arrow 'It's in a straight line! Hahahahahaha!' and then belts a shot which the Radnicki keeper saves. After such a magnificent effort by their goalie it's almost a shame the ball rolls to Ant. Almost. On 65 minutes Major converts his first goal for the club, with a lovely far post finish on the volley for another 2-0 win. When the second goal goes in, Radnicki's formation loses all its arrows. Don't play with what you don't understand, son. CSK 2-0 Radnicki - Ant, 10 - Ursa Major, 65 - Ant[/size] [/font]
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meej
Spider Monkey
Posts: 907
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Post by meej on Jun 29, 2006 10:56:14 GMT
Oh dear S1ut is taking this seriously. :humb: He is, isn't he? Makes one wonder if we should be playing the game a bit or something instead of sitting idly trying to concoct even more beer jokes.
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Post by Boony on Jun 29, 2006 10:57:39 GMT
4 games, 4 wins, no goals conceded? Jeepers. Nice start, s1ugt. You truly are the master of crazy formations.
:thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 29, 2006 11:00:29 GMT
The opposition spend 87 minutes working out who to mark and then two minutes getting caught offside because, with the high line slider in use, I don't have anyone in defence.
Leaving one minute for sundry shin kicking and AOB.
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Post by floplexter on Jun 29, 2006 11:06:50 GMT
I think we should have a sweep on the first sacking and I bid for myself.
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Post by Moo on Jun 29, 2006 11:16:46 GMT
Bah! That's who I was going for, Pops.
[/taunt]
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Jun 29, 2006 11:20:59 GMT
The good news is, I won't be sending out the shiny discs tomorrow, so you probably shouldn't have them by about August, if Royal Mail are up to their usual standards.
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Post by elth on Jun 29, 2006 11:29:00 GMT
the Qualifying Round Qualifying Phase Three Qualifying Session. Sounds like a LucasArts game. KUTUW!
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Post by coffers on Jun 29, 2006 11:32:44 GMT
It's obvious his tictacs are confusing the opposition, they're confusing the fook out of me. :humb: Well done on the none points dropping and girly stuff. KUTCTFOOTOW! (Confusing The *&^% Out Of The Opposition) How do you do an Uppercase asterix?
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Post by elth on Jun 29, 2006 11:35:41 GMT
I think they're the same in lower and upper case, Coff.
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