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Post by coffers on Jul 12, 2006 23:56:59 GMT
Immediately after the game a 17yo Serb AM/FC trialist, Donny Dark Hole signs a contract to join us as a hot prospect and is immediately assigned to the U19's. He's nothing special but no one else seems to be interested in signing and it's transfer deadline day today. As day turns to night and the midnight hour strikes, the transfer deadline passes, all we can sign now are unattached players and there are precious little of those about.
Apart from the appearance of a new physio, who arrived from Radniki Pirot, the week was fairly quite, he arrived with a few bumps and bruises on his face but he shrugged them off claiming he fell against a door as he was leaving home.
The final friendly of the pre-season came upon us and I expected a hard game, with that in mind I played my normal tactics but with a deeper defensive line. It totally flummoxed Xanthi as we steamrollered them and came off the pitch with a 5-1 advantage. Capstan Full Strength opened on 3 after being put through by Damson Deli-bar, Xanthi were level on 15, we could do nothing about their quick passing flowing movement. On 25, Radio Rental smacked in a 30 yard curler after One In A Bed Sex Romp set the ball up nicely for him. On 27 a poor cross field ball by a Xanthi defender put Capstan Full Strength in for his second and two minutes later Capstan Full Strength was put through again, but this time he drew the keeper before releasing the ball to One In A Bed Sex Romp who thumped it into an empty net. That left us 4-1 up at the break, the 2312 fans who turned up were rather stunned, I think they expected the goals at the other end. Two minutes after the break, Token Old Fart got behind the defence on the left wing, he played a cross to the far corner of the 6 yard box where it was met by the head of MOM Damson Deli-bar the ball flew across the goal and went in of the left post, to complete the scoring.
On entering the changing rooms after the game we were confronted with crate upon crate of bottles of the local beer, The master beamed happily and said "enjoy lads you deserve it, drink it while you can as I don't expect any drunkenness after the season proper starts next week. But watch it this stuff is a new untried brand which I invented myself up at my factory, I think you'll like it."
It was the first I had heard of The Masters life outside of the club, it seems he owned the local brewery and used the team to test drive new brews when they had put in a good performance. I was warned though that test drives after bad performances were not something that we would ever like to experience.
In the week leading up to the season's opener we secure the services of an 22yo Albanian AM/RC from some Albanian team or other, he is called Urgent camel and the deal, which only involves cut of any future fee received, will be completed on 1st January 2006. The draw for the Serbia 2nd Qualifying Round of the Serbia and Montenegro Cup is announced, we have been given a home game against a non-league team led FK Dorcol Beograd. It will be played on 17th August 2005.
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Post by Sonic on Jul 13, 2006 3:43:32 GMT
The Master's response was that I'd get used to these odd local ways if I stayed around long enough. Something is not right around here and I cannot quite fathom it out. That if in the first sentence is a bit worrying. I'd not ask too many questions if I was you. Nice work on the friendly loss
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Post by Moo on Jul 13, 2006 8:17:15 GMT
Friendlies are for fitness. Everyone knows that.
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Post by coffers on Jul 13, 2006 8:39:48 GMT
Why do you think I play so many, oh and I also always try to add a couple of big names to the friendly list to make some money. Not that £8k for a sellout match is going to add a lot to the treasury.
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Post by Moo on Jul 13, 2006 8:58:18 GMT
Sure, but every little helps. I saw that on a short film somewhere.
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Post by coffers on Jul 13, 2006 9:14:02 GMT
Was it called: "As The Actress Said To The Bishop"?
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Post by Moo on Jul 13, 2006 9:44:19 GMT
No, I think it was called "Tesco Sells Cheap Beans"
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Post by coffers on Jul 13, 2006 10:38:12 GMT
:checkit:
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Post by coffers on Jul 13, 2006 21:31:07 GMT
The season gets under way with a home game against OFK Nis:
CSK Pivara 1 vs 1 OFK Nis this was ultimately a disappointing game, I expected so much more especially after 33 minutes when Slavering Simpleton gave us the lead slotting in when the Nis keeper mis-controlled outside his area. That was the signal for a bunch of hopeless mis-fits to sit back and enjoy the game. minutes after the break, Nis were level, Frankenstein's Assistant hacked someone down in the area and gave away a penalty. At the end of the game I was fuming with Frankenstein's Assistant and the performance overall.
The media thought the game was quite even, The Master was non-plussed and ordered Frankenstein's Assistant and One In A Bed Sex Romp to meet him in his office after they had washed and dressed. The next thing I know is that Stenna Stairlift pulls me to one side and informs me that One In A Bed Sex Romp will be out for up to 4 weeks and Frankenstein's Assistant is in solitary confinement for his misdemeanor, I was informed that The Master will release Frankenstein's Assistant when he thinks he has seen the error of his ways. I make a mental note not to step out of line if I can help it.
As I'm about to leave the ground for the night The Master pulls me to one side and introduces me to a 21yo striker called Vic's Nasal Spray, I'm told that he's at my disposal to use as I see fit until 2008. I just ask him to report for training on Monday and I'll see how he'll fits in. After that display I want to get back to manacles, beer and TV and forget about football for the night.
The run up to the next game, the FA Cup, is fairly uneventful, we're expected to win it easily:
CSK Pivara 2 vs 0 Dorcol And easy it was, two goals on 28 and 37 by Capstan Full Strength settled the tie, but we sustained two injuries; Damson Deli-bar sprained his ankle and could be out for up to 2 months, Lacerated Herb twisted his ankle and could miss a months worth of games.
For the 3rd Qualifying Round of the cup we are drawn at home to i Radnik another Non-League outfit. This game will take place in midweek after the next league game, which happens to be at home again. As we're without Damson Deli-bar I have to plead with The Master to let Frankenstein's Assistant out of solitary. I think he enjoyed seeing me beg, but he agreed in the end.
CSK Pivara 4 vs 0 Sevojno This was simply a first half demolition in what was supposed to be a tight game. Radio Rental blasted in a 30 yarder on 14. A bad back pass on 23 saw Capstan Full Strength slot under the keeper for number two. On 37 Capstan Full Strength broke down the right wing and centred for Slavering Simpleton to tap in at the back post. On 45 Slavering Simpleton played in Capstan Full Strength to slam the ball inside the right post. It was sensational, but the second half was more low key as tiredness seemed to play a part.
The Master was effusive in his praise for the victory, he claimed that it would be a major boost for the club and supporters. He also had a gleam in his eye as he muttered "and brewery profits". I turned my mind towards the cup match which we had cioming up on Wednesday.
Radioactive Van comes second in some strange award scheme for The Player Of The Round, he's also in the Team of the Round along with Token Old Fart. Radio Rental takes first spot in the Goal of The Round scheme, for his goal in the last game. I'm pleased for them all and send them home with a bottle of the local brew each.
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Post by coffers on Jul 13, 2006 23:45:54 GMT
CSK Pivara 4 vs 2 Mladi Radnik (S&M Cup 3rd Qualifying Round Serbia) AET This game should have been in the bag before the 90 minutes were up, in fact it should have been in the bag at half time, given that we were 2-0 up by then, courtesy of a goal on 30 from Capstan Full Strength and an own goal by Radnik on 39. I told the lads not to let up at the break but substituted keeper Modern Decoder due to tiredness for Dove In Drag, what happened? The idiots sat back, despite screams from the touchline, I was mentally feeling the tip of The Masters whip licking at my back. Goals from Milojevic on 55 and 59 leveled the tie and that's how it stayed to the 90th minute. We entered extra time with me blasting a flee in their ear and on 106 Love Length rose to head in a Frankenstein's Assistant cross at the near post. The game was put out of Radnik's reach on 119 when Radio Rental headed in a Token Old Fart near post corner. I felt a warm glow of relief wash over me at the final whistle, I've a feeling that their will be no injury casualties this time around.........
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Post by Sonic on Jul 14, 2006 1:26:28 GMT
Nice start to the season, even if there was a non-win in there. Injuries are buggers at this stage of the season, so if you get no more, you'll kick ass, Cartman style.
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Post by Moo on Jul 14, 2006 8:24:39 GMT
An excellent start, Coffers. KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by coffers on Jul 14, 2006 8:30:30 GMT
Radnicki (P) 1 vs 2 CSK Pivara: League It's our first away game of the season and the experts are expecting a close game, they don't get one but the scoreline says otherwise. The first half is all Pivara but all we have to show for it at the break is a goal by Slavering Simpleton who turned his man in the area on 45 and slid the ball under the advancing keeper. The second half sees Radnicki step up the game but we are still in control. The game looks to be over on 70 when Arms & Legs volleys in a Slavering Simpleton chip. But the last ten minutes sees a nail biting finish when Radnicki pull a goal back on 79, it was a 25 yard drive which took a wicked deflection off Geisha Counter.
That Master was beaming on the coach all the way home saying how proud he was that the team was in 3rd place so early in the season, even when I pointed out that it was early days yet, he didn't seem to be too worried.
Before the next game I manage to get The Master to improve the contarcts of 6 of the players so as to get them onto Full Time contarcts and in Full Time training, I'm hoping that this will improve the abilities for a core of the squad. All six sign up and I'll start to look at the other players later. We're still running at £10k per month under the salary budget. Slavering Simpleton manages to get picked in the team of the round for his performance against Radnicki.
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Post by coffers on Jul 14, 2006 13:45:44 GMT
League: CSK Pivara 1 vs 1 Jedinstvo (U): We started badly and found it hard to keep the ball, but a slight change in tactics around the 20 minute mark saw a bit of an improvement, on 39 we saw a big improvement when Arms & Legs cut the ball inside to Token Old Fart and his first time shot hit the back of the net. We were better in the second period and knocked the ball around well until by the 68th minute I'd used all our subs due to injury or tiredness. Obviously that was a mistake as on 73, Radioactive Van limped off and we had to continue with 10 men. It was backs to the wall stuff and we were hanging on, but Jedinstvo put together a lick move on 83 and equalised. We hung on to the single point for the rest of the game but I was ultimately disappointed.
Before the game we were in 3rd place and Jedinstvo were in 4th, we both dropped a place as a result of the game, I expected The Master to be in a bad mood, but he seemed philosophical today, expressing regret that we couldn't manage to finish the game with 11 men on the pitch, but he assured me that Ivica Milutinovic, who caused the injury, would not get off Scot free, I must admit that I fear for the young RB's safety in the future. Stenna Stairlift advised us that Radioactive Van would not play a part for the club for the next 2 to 3 months as he had broken his ankle. he was one of the ones who had just signed Full Time Terms. :moop:
For the rest of the week I busy myself by offering full time contracts to a number of other players, it's time we had this lot running around and getting properly fit for the season ahead. We manage to persuade a significant proportion of the players to sign full time and also put pen and ink to a deal that will see an exciting Albanian 21yo AMC, Our Kid join the club in January. His abilities are better than anything this team has ever seen before, probably. His current club only expect 10% of any sell on fee in exchange for his services.
The Master informs me that we made a loss of £4.1K in the last month, but he still thinks that he made the right choice in appointing me which I think is something to be happy about. In the First Round proper of the S&M Cup we are drawn away to Super League Smederevo which will be a tough fixture, they are currently sitting in 4th place in the Super League. :moop:
League: Bezanija 0 vs 2 CSK Pivara: I expected a hard game on the road but once we had weathered an initial storm we proceeded to take Bezanija apart. The first goal came on 21, a Stotty Cake corner to the far post was headed home by Capstan Full Strength, who added a second from the penalty spot on 38. It was pretty much plain sailing after that, though the home side did wake up a little in the last 10 minutes. The media claimed it was a poor match, no one at Pivara would agree with that as we took all three points and moved into 2nd place after 5 games.
The Master purred that it was a superb performance that meant a lot to him and he hoped we could build on this for the future. I think he's happy he even left his whip in the coaches luggage compartment as we headed homewards.......
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Post by Moo on Jul 14, 2006 13:49:52 GMT
Crikey! More non-losses! I shouldn't be surprised really.
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Post by Sonic on Jul 17, 2006 2:51:39 GMT
Good, I'm not the only one racking up the draws :checkit: It was backs to the wall stuff and we were hanging on, but Jedinstvo put together a lick move on 83 and equalised. That sounds like a move the Master wishes he had in his repertoire I think I'd prefer getting licked to death than any other alternative. Though, it would have to depend on who was doing the licking :checkit:
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Post by coffers on Jul 17, 2006 7:24:31 GMT
Oh! lick moves are all the rage in Serbia, err, Well in Pivara or where ever it is.
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Post by coffers on Jul 17, 2006 8:53:54 GMT
League: PSK 2 vs 2 CSK Pivara: We should have won this but profligate finishing and dreadful defensive lapses threw it away. PSK took the lead on 24 after Stotty Cake missed a challenge and bad positioning by Modern Decoder allowed them to sneak the ball home from a tight angle. We were level withing 3 minutes, Arms & Legs crossed from the left and Capstan Full Strength headed in at the far post. The game was fairly even in possession and looked as if it had draw written all over it, until PSK took the lead again on 74, we let them walk through us and Modern Decoder hardly made an effort to stop their final shot, only their second on target shot of the game. We looked dead and buried, I tried all sorts of switches and something paid off on 84, Bovine Glue robbed a defender of the ball on the left wing, slipped it inside to Vic's Nasal Spray and the young striker blasted the equaliser inside the left post. From that point we went for it, we very nearly got it, but ultimately we didn't. Following the game Modern Decoder and Stotty Cake got an icy bast from me and The Master forced them to travel home in the luggage compartment with the dirty kit, Modern Decoder was put in solitary when we got back, he certainly won't take part in the next game. Stotty Cake is a different matter, we can't afford to drop him just yet. The move towards full time status continues apace as more players agree to change their contracts. League: Cukaricki 0 vs 2 CSK Pivara: This should have been a walk over and very nearly wasn't, Dove In Drag came in for disgraced keeper Modern Decoder and did a solid job, we had by far the better of the game but couldn't score for toffee. Vic's Nasal Spray came off the bench on 64 and livened things up, he had the first by the 81st minute, Slavering Simpleton laid the ball back for him to tap in at the far post. One minute into injury time Arms & Legs sent Vic's Nasal Spray through on goal, as the keeper came charging out, Vic's Nasal Spray cheekily lobbed him from 18 yards. Game Over! The Master personally congratulated me on masterminding the win, he was over the moon about it and provided free booze on the coach for our journey home. Two Super-league clubs are sniffing around Arms & Legs which I'm not too pleased about as he's probably our most consistent performs so far this season. If it continues I'll have to ask The Master to put a damper on it. More players sign up to full time terms, Low Slung Donkey and Pneumatic Dan refuse to terminate on mutual terms so I ask for The Master to help remove them form the club this is done speedily, the hump in the corner of the training field seems to have expanded by the following training session, and fresh flowers have been placed upon it, money has also disappeared from the accounts, but I suppose we had to pay up on unfinished contracts. Is there some sort of pattern emerging here? I don't really have time to analyse it as things are moving fast in other areas. Out of all the players we have Unpronounceable Bozo is refusing to sign up to full time terms. I'll have to start on the staff once he is on-board. League: CSK Pivara 2 vs 0 Novi Sad: Novi started the game well and played keep ball while we ran around like idiots trying to get it back. What they failed to do was realise that you have to score goals to win games, so when I changed tactics on 30 and we started to get into the game more, they had shot their bolt. There was only going to be one winner after that and it wasn't Novi Sad. On 41, Stotty Cake put in a near post cross from the left and Radio Rental headed in unimpeded. We had plenty of chances to wrap the game up in the second half but didn't take one until the 84th minute; Radio Rental lobbed a 45 yard free kick over the defence and Capstan Full Strength got behind them and headed in from 12 yards. The defence had been too busy watching Vic's Nasal Spray. After 8 games we are in 2nd place 1 point behind Srem, we're 2 points ahead of 3rd placed Vlasina, things are looking good. The master is feeling pleased with himself too, he's even let Modern Decoder out of Solitary.
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Post by Moo on Jul 17, 2006 9:43:28 GMT
Another great update, Coffers. It seems like you're giving it a real go to get promoted in the first season. Poof.
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Post by coffers on Jul 17, 2006 10:08:04 GMT
The full time training improves players no end, the aim has to be to get everyone into it as soon as possible. The boost it gives, gives an edge over all other Part Time teams in my opinion. As Pivara has such a big gap between the salary budget and what is being paid to part timers, it gives you a good opportunity to move everyone into full time contracts.
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Post by Moo on Jul 17, 2006 10:42:35 GMT
Yeah, I've noticed all the green arrows at the start of my second season, after changing all the backroom staff and upgrading all the con racts of the first team squad. I was at the point of my wage budget but then I looked again last night and it seems that I have been given an extra 2k per week to work with, so there may be a couple of the youth getting an upgrade too. And maybe even some space for a swish new player or two, if someone catches my eye.
The good one, natch.
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Post by coffers on Jul 17, 2006 12:57:39 GMT
Vic's Nasal Spray's lob over the keeper gets 2nd place in the Goal Of The Round awards, Capstan Full Strength and Frankenstein's Assistant are named in the Team of the Round. Unpronounceable Bozo finally signs up to Full Time Status and a few coaches also join the movement into full time S&Mism.
Cup 1st Round: Smederevo 2 vs 2 CSK Pivara: Smederevo were expected to walk all over us and for a fair bit of the first half they did, but they didn't really create any chances to speak of, but when they did Dove In Drag was on hand and equal to the tasks they set him. Capstan Full Strength hit the post on 30 and watched the ball agonisingly roll along the line only to be cleared as Slavering Simpleton charged in for the kill. The lads were responding well to my Ultra Defensive, Deep Line ploy and Smederevo didn't know how to break us down. I asked for more of the same in the second half and after using all my substitutes on the hour the game got even better. A ball over the top by Torn Chalk Mark found One In A Bed Sex Romp charging through on goal, with only the keeper to beat he made no mistake from 12 yards. Smederevo equalised on 77, a ball to the back post was headed in by an unmarked striker. I thought we'd lost our chance, but we kept plugging away, on 83 Token Old fart got One In A Bed Sex Romp clean through on goal, he was hacked down in the area as he was about to pull the trigger, Smederevo were down to 10 men and Stotty Cake slotted in the penalty. Unfortunately for us, Smederevo equalised 2 minutes later. We had a couple of chances to win it after that but so did Smederevo. 2-2 at full time and so to penalties, none of that energy sapping extra time here:.Smederevo started the shootout and missed penalty 1, scored penalties 2, 3, 4 and 5 and missed penalty number 6. Pivara scored 1 and 2, missed number 3 and scored 4, 5 and 6. Pivara won 5-4 on penalties The lads were told that I was elated with them, to beat a Super-League team away from home even on penalties was a great result.
The local media claimed we were lucky as we hardly got out of our own half, I say hard work and good tactics won the day even if we only had 46% possession. Smederevo are currently 3rd in the Super League and we've shown them a thing or two. The Master was last seen with a gleam in his eyes, someone claimed he was mentally counting out how much money could be made from this achievement and a decent cup run.
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Post by coffers on Jul 17, 2006 20:09:31 GMT
League: CSK Pivara 3 vs 1 FK Spartak Subtopica: The first half is best forgotten, but a half time pep talk saw a much better 2nd period. The opening goal came on 49, [b}Arms & Legs[/b] fed the ball into the near post, Slavering Simpleton tried a hard low shot across the goal and it was diverted into the net by a Spartak defender. Four minute later Big Pants lobbed the ball into the area and Slavering Simpleton got in before the keeper to divert the ball into the net with his head. On 88 Arms & Legs lost the ball near their area, a big boot upfield saw Dove In Drag mis-control and Vujovic was on hand to pull a goal back. 30 seconds into injury time saw substitute left back Zorba The Leek centre from the left, Frankenstein's Assistant made a bolt for the far post and slotted home with a right foot blast to finish the game on a high. Slavering Simpleton and Capstan Full Strength made the Team of The Round. League: Radnicki Nis 2 vs 3 CSK Pivara: Another dreadful first half which was surpassed by an exciting send half. The scoring was opened by Capstan Full Strength who headed in a a Frankenstein Assistant's near post cross from the right, for his 10th goal of the season. All the subs were thrown on, on 66 and 72 to freshen things up, on 75 Capstan Full Strength pulled the ball back from the bye-line and Vic's Nasal Spray crept in to score at the back post. Radnicki had pulled a goal back within a minute, carving open our defence with a sweeping move. On 78 Vic's Nasal Spray broke clear on the halfway line and smashed the ball inside the right post from 10 yards. With 2 minutes to play Radnicki broke down the left and made it 3-2 to set up a nail biting finish, but we held on for the 3 points and as Srem lost we moved into 1st place. Vaseline Sandwich's monthly training report is full of glowing praise for Bovine Glue[/b], Vic's Nasal Spray and Arms & Legs. He claims Damson Deli-bar has gone back-wards in Aerobics, but that is understandable as he has only just started training again after his 2 month injury. League: CSK Pivara 3 vs 0 Mladnovac: The game opened with a bang, on 7 minutes, Geisha Counter volleyed a half cleared corner goal-wards, Capstan Full Strength stole in by the back post to claim the last touch. I thought it was going in anyway, so he probably nicked the goal from a team mate, but no one was moaning. The two starting strikers were subbed on 62 as the game had died a bit, that opened things up again and One In A Bed Sex Romp got on the end of a deep near post ball from Big Pants to head in for the 2nd. Two minutes later and Vic's nasal Spray put One In A Bed Sex Romp through to slam the ball across the keeper and in off the left post. That was it, the game died and so did Mladenovac. Despite a loss of £9.52k during September The Master is encouraged by the start we have made, that is backed up by the fact that he seems to be taking more of a back seat in team matters and only gets involved if I ask for help or advice. Pivara are drawn at home to Superleague outfit FK Zeta Golubovci in the 2nd round of the Cup. I glad to see that following our good run we are regularly attracting home attendances over 1400. Token Old Fart takes second place in The Player of The Round award, he is also named in the Team Of The Round. Arms & Legs will be out of action for up to 4 weeks with a groin strain, we have a mini break until the 11th October, presumably due to international games where Vic's Nasal Spray is called up to the Bosnian U21 squad to face San Marino.
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Post by Moo on Jul 17, 2006 21:04:55 GMT
Good looking table, that is. By 'eck, UNcle Charlie would be proud, lad. KUTNJAAW! (Not Jealous At All )
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Post by Sonic on Jul 18, 2006 0:05:03 GMT
Nice table
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