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Post by coffers on Jul 18, 2006 8:17:45 GMT
Napredak 3 vs 6 CSK Pivara, League: The game was completely mental, Capstan Full Strength had a hat-trick by the 14th minute, with goals on 4, 10 and 14. The first two came from lobs over the defence by Radio Rental the third was a tap in after Slavering Simpleton had blasted against the post. The first half then settled down a bit until Napredak pulled a goal back on 40, getting down the left and behind the defence to cross and see a header evade our keeper. The team were told not to let the performance drop but completely ignored my advice 4 minutes after the break; a cross from the right was slipped in at the near post to make it 3-2, Napredak were starting to over-run us so an adjustment was in order, it didn't work so another was made and all the subs were sent on. That did something, on 61 someone fouled Capstan Full Strength in the area and the hat-trick boy stepped up and added another to his tally. Four minutes later Frankenstein's Assistant crossed to the far post and Capstan Full Strength was on hand to head in his and our fifth goal of the game. Napredak were imploding and on 71 the implosion was complete as a Capstan Full Strength shot was deflected away from goal and substitute Love Length stole in to make it Six. Napredak did manage to pull another goal back with a header on 87, but by then it was all too late. The bad news is that Right Back, Torn Chalk Mark will be out for up to 3 weeks with a damaged elbow.
The media claimed it was a tight game and that we were lucky. Were they at the same game as me? The Master congratulated everyone he came into contact with for this performance and claimed it was a superb victory.
CSK Pivara, League 1 vs 1 FK Mladnost Apatin: After the feast, the famine; Capstan Full Strength opened the scoring after only 4 minutes, latching onto a Frankenstein's Assistant through ball and then rounding the keeper to plant it into an empty net. Mladnost were level on 18 after Stotty Cake hoofed the ball into his own net, Plonker! The rest of the game was a midfield bore with neither side creating much of note. Added to that Nouvelle Cuisine pulled a hamstring and will be out for up to a month, we're are seeing a bit of a Right Back Crisis develop here as he is the second to go down injured in two games. The only bright spot was that our two nearest challengers both lost so we actually increased our lead at the top by a point.
I wasn't surprised to find that Capstan Full Strength had won the player of the round award, Bovine Glue who was standing in for the injured Arms & legs came third. Both were included in the Team of the Round. Capstan Full Strength managed 3rd place in the Goal of The Round award for his 2nd goal against Napredak.
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Post by Moo on Jul 18, 2006 8:49:12 GMT
Nice humpage! :thumb:
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Post by coffers on Jul 18, 2006 13:00:00 GMT
Novi Pazar 2 vs 3 CSK Pivara, League: We got off to a great start in this tight game, Frankenstein's Assistant charged down the right on 7, crossed and Slavering Simpleton connected with his head at the far post for number one. On 14, Token Old Fart intercepted a bad pass in the centre circle and hit a through ball to Slavering Simpleton the young striker rounded the keeper, steadied himself and stroked the ball in for number two. From that moment on, Pazar picked themselves up and started to ease their way back in the game. On 40 a pass inside found Zoran Pantelic 25 yards out, his first time shot nearly burst the net. At the break the lads were told to keep working hard, but they didn't. Pazar equalised on 75 when a cross to the near post wasn't cleared and the ball was poked home from close range. It was looking like two points lost but a minute into injury time, Forest Gimp sent Vic's Nasal Spray down the wing, he cut in beat two men and crossed to the far post where Geordie Outhouse gleefully headed the winner. That was an important win as Pazar were our nearest challengers along with Srem (who also lost). Pantelic won the MOM award (is he the same Pantylicker of old?). Frankenstein's Assistant will be out with a bruised head for up to two weeks. We seem to be piling up a few injuries at the moment. FK Srem Sremska Mitrovica 0 vs 2 CSK Pivara, League: I expected a much harder game than we got against the promotion chasing Srem. Instead we eased to an easy enough 2-0 victory. Frankenstein's Assistant returned early from injury and blasted in the opener from 6 yards after Bovine Glue had crossed deep. Vic's Nasal Spray added the second on 89 with a tap in after Capstan Full Strength blasted against the post on a breakaway. The Master was delighted with the performance and offered his persona congratulations to everyone. Pantelic's goal against us won the Goal of the Round award. CSK Pivara 0 vs 1 FK Zeta Golubovci, Cup 2nd Round: We battled hard in this game against Superleague opposition, but I got the starting tactics slightly wrong and we were undone by a scrambled 8th minute goal. The cup run is over but the media were full of praise for our impressive and ultimately unlucky battling performance. It was our first loss in a competitive game. KFK Radnicki Kragujevac 1 vs 3 CSK Pivara, League: The scoreline didn't reflect how tight the game was. We started well with Slavering Simpleton crossing to the near post on 3, Capstan Full Strength anticipated well and beat everyone to the ball to clip the ball in for the opener. On 37, Lacerated Herb and Geisha Counter messed about with the ball too long around 40 yards out, keeper Herb mis-controlled and Radnicki got an easy equaliser from nothing. Stotty Cake got himself sent off on 45 for a 2nd yellow and a professional foul. Three players were blasted individually at the break and the rest of the team were told they were capable of winning the game. Just to prove me right on 62, Token Old fart sent Capstan Full Strength through on goal and the striker slid the ball inside the left post. On 70, Big Pants hit a ball into the 6yard box from 30 yards, everybody missed it and it flew into the net. Geisha Counter was blasted at the end as his 2nd half performance was as bad as his first. The press said we were lucky and Radnicki deserved a draw at the very least. Who Cares? Stotty Cake at least acknowledged he was in the wrong for getting sent off, after a bollocking, the trouble is he'll now miss 2 games, one for collecting 5 yellows and one for the sending off. Geisha Counter manages to injure himself in training and will miss 4 weeks of action. In other words our last 3 games before the break. That's both first choice Centre backs out for the next two games. Slavering Simpleton and Token Old Fart manage to get into the Team of the Round. At the turn of the month The Master is delighted with the teams performance so far but our rate of loss is increasing, it hits £11.5k for the last month.
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Post by coffers on Jul 18, 2006 16:48:21 GMT
CSK Pivara, League 3 vs 0 FK Macva Sabat, League: Even with our two best central defenders missing Macva were no match for us. They started well enough but once we got going there was no stopping us. We finally broke the deadlock on 27, Slavering Simpleton headed in a Capstan Full Strength near post cross. The lead was doubled on 37, Capstan Full Strength got on the end of a deep near post cross by Big Pants for his 20th goal of the season. At the break I sent on Vic's Nasal Spray for a tired looking Slavering Simpleton and it paid instant dividends, three minutes into the second period, Vic's Nasal Spray intercepted a bad back pass and dribbled the ball into the area before placing it past a bemused keeper. Another 3 points to Pivara, which maintains our 11 point lead over Mladnost.
Big Pants and Token Old Fart are named in the Team of the Round and Vic's Nasal Spray goal against Macva takes 2nd place in the Goal of The Round. Frankenstein's Assistant goes down with a thigh strain and could be out for another 4 weeks.
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Post by coffers on Jul 18, 2006 22:56:10 GMT
CSK Pivara 1 vs 0 FK Vlasina Vlasotince, League: This was a very close game and the only goal came on 15 minutes when Big Pants hoofed the ball down the left wing to be collected by Slavering Simpleton he in turn took it to the bye-line dribbled in and cut the ball back to the penalty spot for Capstan Full Strength to volley in. Vlasina hardly made an impression on out goal despite all there midfield huff 'n' puff. Radioactive Van returned to training after a 3 month lay-off, also Geisha Counter resumed training. Slavering Simpleton damaged a foot in training and will be out for a month. Bottomless Knowledge will miss 2 months with a back injury. 3 friendlies are arranged for the mid-season break. BASK 1903 Cereva Cuprija Beograd 0 vs 3 FK CSK Pivara, League: Relegation candidates BASK did themselves no favours in this game as the crumbled under the Pivara onslaught. On 12 minutes, One In A Bed Sex Romp smashed the ball against the keeper following a Torn Chalk Mark near post cross, Capstan Full Strength mopped up the easy chance on the follow up. On 41, One In A Bed Sex Romp headed down an Archduke Ferdinand loft and Radical Sneeze blasted his fist goal ever for the club. On 50, Token Old Fart put One In A Bed Sex Romp clear down the right the young striker centred and Capstan Full Strength gratefully slotted home across the keeper from 12 yards. Game set and match, BASK were out of it. As we go into the mid season break, The Master pulled me to one side and told me how proud he was to be a Pivara fan and much of the credit for this seasons success is down to my tactical skills and the teams hard work. He informs me that he wants it to continue in the second half of the season and to help find better players he has acquired 3 new scouts who will be introduced to me in the near future. He also informs me that he will relax some of the restrictions he has imposed on me so far to date, particularly the 7pm curfew, I'll only need to return to my padlock and chains by 11pm at night for the foreseeable future, I'll also be able to wander anywhere within the boundaries of the town without fear of molestation or recriminations. I'm not entirely sure what he means by that but I take it as a good thing. The Halfway Stage:
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Post by Sonic on Jul 19, 2006 0:27:48 GMT
Your game must be easier than mine, as the teams seem to lie down and want to be humped. I've 2 teams who have 40+ points along side me. Bostords. Still, humpages are going along nicely, and promotion™ seems certain at this stage. I wish I could get more time to play. Nice work
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 7:37:17 GMT
Despite appearences to the contrary, no one is particularly laying down and capitulating. In fact most teams we play against have far more possession than we do usually between 52 and 54% I've even seen it up at 57% in one game. What we do seem to have despite my reservations at the start of the season are strikers who can score, particularly Capstan Full Strength.
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Post by Sonic on Jul 19, 2006 8:12:02 GMT
It's funny, sometimes having less possession means you score more goals. I'd prefer not to dominate too much, as it seems to bring out the Supergoalies too much for my liking, but it is something I invariably do due to the way I've set the team up. Queue all the draws I end up having.
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Post by Moo on Jul 19, 2006 8:22:53 GMT
More wins and less chance of you not getting promotion. Excellent work, yet again, Coffers. :thumb:
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 8:26:00 GMT
I meant to add in the update that up to the last game of the fisrt half of the season the media were still predicting a bottom half finish. After the last game they are now, and only now, indicating that the fans should be able to look forward to a have a successful season.
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Post by Moo on Jul 19, 2006 9:06:25 GMT
Yeah I got that. This season I'm a top half finish too. How disappointed are they going to be?
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 10:40:17 GMT
My introductions to the scouts are brief and to the point, I want them out their scouting as soon as possible. A 63yo Belgian tourist, Mental Note is sent on a tour of Europe it may well be his last ever holiday. A 32yo English Backpacker called Born In A Fieldhas been 'recruited' by The Master and is immediately sent to tour Africa as cheaply as possible. Finally a 32yo English cretin called Don't Come Home is sent out to spy on our future opponents for the rest of the season, his reports will probably be useless but at least they will give me a little advance warning of what to expect.
I fully expect to be inundated with reports on garbage collection over the coming weeks so prepare for it by going out and getting drunk on the local brew. It's whist I'm supping a glass or two that I get news of Big Pants 3rd place in the Player of the Round Awards. Not only that but some contracts are coming up to expiry in a few months so we need to consider who to retain; Dove In Drag is offered a 3 year extension, 33yo Zit On Legs needs further consideration, he has reasonable stats so may still have a place as backup in the reserves, Unpronounceable Bozo is offered a one year extension as a backup.
December arrives and we've made a loss of £10,k, The master is still delighted though. Dove In Drag signs his new contract, Unpronounceable Bozo wants a better status to reflect his position in the club, he seemed upset when I told him he couldn't be the club mirror as he wasn't polished enough. I decide to offer rotation staus and, if he doesn't take that, he'll be on his way. Not surprisingly he suddenly has an insight into what life might be like without being assigned to a club and signs the contract faster than I expected.
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Post by Moo on Jul 19, 2006 11:07:23 GMT
A scout sent to Africa? Right, if you're doing it then so am I. I was actually trying to be sensible with this challenge.
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 11:19:49 GMT
I don't see why they can't go to Africa, my starting squad had a Vietnamese player in it, where did he come from, who found him? I've also got a Kazakhstani in the squad from somewhere. plus a couple of Germans.
Having said that I have yet to find player in Africa worth signing in any of the games I've played. Anyhow a Serbian club is more likely to attract an African player to sign for the low wages it can offer, than it will a Central European player.
Also; if Brazilian players can sign up for teams in the Faroe Isles, in real life, then shirley Africans have every right to turn up wherever they please?
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 11:23:37 GMT
Oh I forgot we also had a Bahrain national in the starting squad too.
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Post by Moo on Jul 19, 2006 11:31:08 GMT
They were on holiday. Cheaty poof. Although it is something I'm going to do now. I wonder if there are any Peruvians knocking about....
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 11:36:28 GMT
then shirley Africans have every right to turn up wherever they please? Or wherever The Master pleases in this case. :humb: I still don't reckon the scout will find anything worth signing.
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 12:47:46 GMT
We manage to get in one friendly in December, a home game against Superleague Buducnost. It's a Boxing day feast of football for the fans who turn up as Pivara run away with the game 7-2. Goals by Damson Deli-bar (4), Vic's nasal Spray, Radical Sneeze and Capstan Full Strength round off the festive fun. Stotty Cake and Nouvelle Cuisine were bloody awful and were hauled off at the break. January arrives with a £42k loss for the previous month, that's not good, but The Master is still holding on to his dreams of delight. Three new players arrive on the scene as a result of deals done during the inter-transfer window period: Our Kid a cracking looking Albanian AMC from Besa (P), he's 22yo, 5' 11" and looks to have a really good future in professional football. I'm really proud of this signing. Urgent Camel another Albanian from Besa (P), he may have some potential in the AM/RC position, it's an area we have not really got any cover for. He's 22yo, 5'7 tall and darned fast. Stain Chariot a 23yo, 5' 11" Serb DRC/MR who looks decent enough to go straight into the side in place of the inconsistent Stotty Cake. He arrives from Kujawiak where ever that is. The above three players are all on mega bucks full time contracts, between £1,000 and £2400 per month, so they had better deliver and fast.
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Post by Moo on Jul 19, 2006 12:59:24 GMT
Wow, that's a fair old wedge you've given those three. To be honest, they don't seem any better than the numpties I have playing for my lot, so it must be me doing someting wrong. Nah, it can't be that, Shirley?
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 13:55:54 GMT
The second two are close to what I already have, but when the deal as done, my lot looked pretty poor. Our Kid is miles ahead technically of anything I currently have available so in theory should walk into the squad and make an instant impact. Perhaps he's temperamentally unstable or something.
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Post by coffers on Jul 19, 2006 23:34:13 GMT
January sees us play 4 friendlies and not a lot else happens apart from the signing if some 14yo or other for the U19's squad.
CSK Pivara 0 vs 0 FK Hadjuk Rodic. The Super League outfit had a man sent off n 38 and that was about all the excitement the game had.
Then the tour of Russia started:
BSK Spirovo 1 vs 3 CSK Pivara: The home side opened on 13, but we equalised on 14 when Frankenstein's Assistant set up Slavering Simpleton with a deft flick into the area. A big hoof upfield by Dove In Drag sent One In A Bed Sex Romp through to win the one-on-one with the keeper. The same again on 25 saw One In A Bed Sex Romp slip the ball inside to Slavering Simpleton who did the same for Bovine Glue and he blasted into the empty net. That was effectively that.
Dinamo Bryansk 0 vs 2 CSK Pivara: the game was over by the 7th minute, after Urgent Camel had set up One In A Bed Sex Romp on 4 then Radio Rental sent a long ball through for Slavering Simpleton to complete the scoring on 7.
Lokomotiv Chita 0 vs 4 CSK Pivara: Chita were down to 10 men in the 4th minute after a foul in the area, Archduke Ferdinand slotted home the penalty, Slavering Simpleton added a 2nd from the spot on 35. Love Length added the 3rd banging in from 18 yards after Slavering Simpleton had chipped the ball to him. On 82 Capstan Full Strength completed the rout after being put in by One In A Bed Sex Romp.
February opens The Master remains delighted but we record another loss, this time it's £35k, and so to the final game of teh Russian tour:
Balashika 0 vs CSL Pivara 2: After a dreadfull first half, Stain Chariot opened the scoing by heading in an Arms & Legs corner on 51. Three minutes later Radio rental blasted a 30 yarder to complete the scoring in a game we totally dominated.
Next we have 3 home friendlies with money spinning laundering in mind:
CSK Piavara 2 vs 0 Xanthi: a goal in each half settled this one, Slavering Simpleton opened on 31 after Radio Rental had put him through on the keeper. Capstan Full Strength added the 2nd on 76 after Vic's Nasal Spray gave him a clean run on goal.
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Post by coffers on Jul 20, 2006 9:06:38 GMT
A 14yo Serb 5' 6"" DMC, Sarcasm Soiled is picked up on a youth contract for free, he'll cost us £10 per month, and then the transfer deadline passes.
CSK Pivara 1 vs 2 Club Brugge: Overall this wasn't a bad effort against a side that technically should have been head and shoulders above us. We opened the scoring on 50 when Capstan Full Strength dribbled to the edge of the area, holding off the chasing defender and then curling a neat shot around the keeper. Brugge then deservedly scored goals on 60 and 67, though they were probably more down to poor marking than skill. 2260 turned up to watch the game.
CSK Pivara 1 vs 3 Hadjuk Split: I got this one so wrong tactics wise, we were 3-0 down by the 25th minute, we were clueless, so I went back to basics with a deep defensive line and quick short passing if only to keep the ball off Hadjuk, it worked as they didn't score again. Damson Deli-bar did manae to pull a goal back on 69, blasting through a crowd of players from a tight angle but that is as good as it ot. 2306 pepeople turned out to watch us get gubbed.
In just over a weeks time we start the second half of our League campaign and to try and take some pressure off some of teh younger players I tell the Hadjuk manager that it's tooo early to talk about winning titles, which pleases a couple of the lads but not the ones I'd hoped would be settled by lowered expectations.
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Post by coffers on Jul 20, 2006 11:16:24 GMT
OFK Nis 0 vs 4 CSK Pivara, League: Nis started as they finished the last game we played against them defensively and we initially found them hard to break down, but slight adjustments to our attitude saw us take the lead on 24, One In A Bed Sex Romp slipped the ball into the area and Capstan Full Strength humped it past the keeper from 12 yards. Three minutes on, their keeper took a free kick 30 yards out from his goal line, near to his left touchline, he kicked across field which was a mistake as Capstan Full Strength nipped in ahead of the defender and hit a 45 yard shot first time into the unattended net, it was his 25th goal of the season. After the break, on 51, One In A Bed Sex Romp controlled a Radio Rental corner six yards out, before unleashing an unstoppable shot for our third. On 73 Arms & legs was sent off for a second yellow, but it made no difference to Nis, they were grim. On 84 it was 10 men each as Nis committed a foul in the area, Stain Chariot scored from the spot on his debut. Bovine Glue missed a penalty on 88 after another Nis misdemeanor.
Second placed Mladnost could only draw so we opened up a 13 point gap at the top. Congratulations were positively oozing out of The Master mouth following the game he didn't know which way to turn, but his eyes lit up on seeing Arms & Legs hiding at the back of the team bus, I'm sure I heard him mutter 'Ah, he'll do for tonight's entertainment, he needs punishing after that sending off.......".
Urgent Camel, Radioctive Van and Stain Chariot managed to get a place in the Team of The Round. The end of teh month saw us make a loss of £1.97k, and The Master is still delighted.
CSK Pivara 3 vs 2 Bezanija, League Our opponents were second bottom at the start of the game and were as bad, technically, as Nis were. What Benzanija offered to the game though was effort, at least they battled. We were 1-0 up inside 5 minutes, Capstan Full Strength's shot was spilled by the keeper and it was mopped up by One In A Bed Sex Romp for his fifth of the season. we had plenty of chances after that but the second goal didn't come until the thirtieth minute; Urgent Camel put One In A Bed Sex Romp through down the right, he cut inside before crossing to Capstan Full Strength who finished with ease from 7 yards. Two minutes from teh break, Benzanija swept through us like a knife through butter and equalised following a scramble. The second period was laboured but [b}Stain Chariont[/b] scored his second penalty in two games after Urgent Camel was hacked down on a break. Bezanija didn't give up though, they came at us again and swept through again to score with 30 seconds remaining. I was pleased with the result but wasn't too pleased with the lack of concentration at times. Urgent Camel was Man of the match for the second game running.
Our critics are just starting to talk about the possibility of winning the title, I try to divert some attention from us by saying that I think the Bezanija can save them from relegation. The 3 point gap is maintained, more importantly we have an 18 point gap between us and third place.
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Post by Moo on Jul 20, 2006 11:30:20 GMT
18 points? Done deal, Coffers, done deal.
:thumb:
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Post by coffers on Jul 20, 2006 14:35:38 GMT
Sevojno 3 vs 1 CSK Pivara, League: Outplayed, out fought Out-thought. That added to almost the entire team taking a day off sums the game up. Sevojno were 2-0 up by the 9th minute and looked as if they could score when they wanted too. Our lot didn't look interested. Somehow Our Kid pulled a goal back for us on 32, his volley found the net from 25 yards when it looked more like he was trying to cross the ball. We looked a bit more lively for a short spell after that but the break stemmed that particular flow. Sevojno restored their 2 goal advantage on 52, direct from a 23 yard free kick. To add to a bad day, Urgent Camel went off injured on 73 and Radioactive Van was sent off on 86 after a second yellow card. We'd been kicked from pillar to post and we ended up with a red card because of an obstruction. The ref was a twat, and angry words were launched at the defence after the game. Urgent Camel will be out for 2 weeks with a damaged heel. We actually had most of the play and shots but wasted too much. The press are jumping up and down with glee claiming that we will now struggle to hold onto the top spot. We might play in the same colours as Newcastle, but Kevin Keegan I'm sure I'm not. Lacerated Herb and Arms & Legs are blasted for their last two shocking displays and the fans agree in their droves. Radioactive Van thinks I'm unfair after blasting him for his sending off. The 2nd and 3rd placed teams both won, to close the gap a little. CSK Pivara 3 vs 0 Radnicki (P), League: From kick off the lads were up for tihs one, they obviously wanted to make amends for the last debacle. On 7 minutes Our Kid fed a great ball through the middle to One In A Bed Sex Romp and the scoring was opened. On 26 One In A Bed Sex Romp was tackled when charging through on goal the ball broke to Our Kid who volleyed in from 20 yards. On 36 a cross-field ball from Radio rental was head in from 17 yards by Frankenstein's Assistant. Everything eased up after that. No matter what I tried the interest had gone. Radnicki's interest hadn't started. Our two nearest rivals both drew, so the gap opened again. CSK Pivara 1 vs 1 PSK, League: We started with a bang, Arms & Legs setting up One In A Bed Sex Romp from 2 yards after only 3 minutes and that was the best we could manage. PSK equalised on 11 while our defence stood and watched and waved their arms to each other. The rest of the game was a waste of time. The draw was a fair reflection of the game overall. At least Mladnost (2nd) only drew at home and the 3rd placed mob lost away. Capstan Full Strength managed to get into the Team Of The Week, but I don't know how.
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