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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 14:53:43 GMT
CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER 00/01 RELAY GAMETeam : Club Atlético San Miguel.Country : Argentina. Division : 2 / Metropolitan Zone. Selected Leagues : Argentina, Brazil, USA. MANGLERSs1ut Season : 1. Games Played : 24 Won : 8 Lost : 6 Drawn : 10 Points : 34 Download : www.megaupload.com/?d=7THAEWDV
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 14:54:02 GMT
So our new baby is Club Atlético San Miguel from the Buenos Aires area in Argentina. Just to keep Snoic happy, it, (the city, not the team), was founded by the Spanish in the 16th century in their exciting jaunt around the new world, which the Spanish call empire building and the aboriginals call "oh fuck we're all dead." I chose the team because Moo told me to. Or rather, because he was amused by the fact that the team had apparently vanished already. It turns out that it didn't, rather it collapsed in a financial mess and was reformed under a new name. This is the exact same thing that happened to Lokomotiv Chita after the Divots' challenge there. Perhaps we should take this as a sign and be more careful. With moderate power comes moderate responsibility. Additionally, San Miguel's shiny 6800 capacity stadium is called "Malvinas Argentinas", giving wonderful opportunities for jingoistic Thatcherism throughout the thread, whenever we play at home. For those of you worried about having facilities of that size, here's a picture of the main stadium. It doesn't look like it holds 6,800 to me, but maybe it's really far away. And the players are all giants. And the team are named after beer. The top selling beer in Honk Kong and the Philippines, apparently. So, beer, war, financial irregularity, Maggie Thatcher and a crap team. We're almost all the way to fulfilling Divot thread requirements already. All we need now is some crazy formations, some wide-defendering genocide and Mark Hateley.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 14:54:58 GMT
Who's Who in San Miguel
A run down of the people that showed up in green and white at the first training session, obtained from a cursory glance at their fact sheets.
Picked Last at School Apples for Whisky - At first look our starter looks ok, but has a 1 for work rate, the lzy pantfish.
Pink On Five - Will start on the bench, if only because we haven't got time to wait for him to reach the goal with his 1 for pace. Also has 1 for teamwork, which is ideal in a goalie.
Kicking the Opposition LAZORZ! - (DR) - The Laser is a pacey midget who looks like he'll be an industrious bugger which will help him when I buy some more centrebacks and he has to find a real job.
Misery Bun - (DL) - The worshiper of Nevillish looks like a decent defender, so it's a shame he hasn't chosen a real position for his career. Has the usual lack of position and anticipation you expect at this level, but can run into the wrong position very quickly.
Missing You More - (SW/DC) - Can get into position very quickly and then miss the tackle. Can jump very high and then miss the header.
Judge Pickles - (DC) - Quick, determined and a good tackler. Has all the stats you need from a low level defender, which means he'll be the player that inexplicably pays beneath his stats to score a 5 every week.
Ultimate Ribena - (DRC) - Slight Nevillish contamination here, but we'll forgive him, because he's a lumbering donkey lacking in technique, which means he's a centreback at heart.
Running About Dirty Martini - (MR) - Almost every stat into double figures means either he's far too good for us and will jump to a decent team halfway through the first game, or he's lying.
Bernie Clifton's Ostrich - (MR) - Crap at pretty much everything but running, which would be enough to get him into a lot of GR teams, but not this one with Martini about.
Dead Strings - (MR) - I was just thinking we could use another crap right midfielder and here he is!
Pictures of Alesha - (DMC) - Thank crap for that. We've run out of MRs. Alesha's tackling is terrible for a DM, but the good news is she'll never be in position to make a tackle anyway.
Hold it, Shake it - (MC) - Someone's going to have to start in the middle of our team and, looking at this lot, that someone is going to be me.
Under my Kaiser's Helmet - We have to hope we never lose the ball, because we have no one who can win it back. Stage one in not losing the ball will be never giving it to this guy.
Viking Merkin - (AMC) - Mostly rubbish.
Between the Cracks - (AMC) - Entirely rubbish.
Glory Hunters Lost and Lonely - (AM/FL) - We've no crap MLs, but at least we have a crap AM/FL.
Eighth Wonder - (AM/FLC) - Very fast, decently talented and versatile. I predict incredible injury problems ahead.
Ugly Friend - (FRC) - His best attribute is his age. He's 34, so we won't have to put up with him for long.
Charity Moped - (SC) - Fast, fit and can dribble in circles around the defence all day. And then miss the goal thanks to his "5" for finishing.
-----------------------------
There are a collection of reserves, but they all say "Fut", which I presume means "Fucosyltransferase" and they're all happy to stay in the stiffs until their urinary tract infections clear up.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 14:57:50 GMT
Unintentional HilarityPart One in an ongoing series.No I can't. It's in 800's flat in France.
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Post by Boony on Sept 16, 2008 15:50:39 GMT
Yay! Good stuff, s1ut. Nice presentation, some funny jokes, and you haven't even started yet.
KUTGW :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 16:24:50 GMT
July 2000 I've forgotten what to do. I thought that renaming everyone would trigger some sort of CM00/01 muscle memory; like the words of a song, where you can't remember the second line unless someone gives you the first. I mean, I'm at work, I'm playing CM, I'm nicknamng people... Dammit fingers! Why won't you remember what comes next. I read the mail - the Board expect us to Battle bravely against relegation - and then I decide to set up training regimes, except I can't really remember how to do that either. I fudge together something or other, then send both of our scouts out to Argentina. Handily, one is reasonable at spotting talent and the other at spotting potential. With our first game coming on 12 August at home to Porvenir I set up friendlies for July against fictional movie character Ben Hur, the colour Brown and an Argentinean army cadet team called General Paz Juniors. This means I'll have to venture back into the wibble/wobble again shortly. Which means I'll need a drink.
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Post by Moo on Sept 16, 2008 17:17:48 GMT
Sounds risky. I mean, who drinks these days? KUTRW! (Rainman)
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Post by Boony on Sept 16, 2008 17:50:35 GMT
Very amusing, but the one that made me laugh most was "His best attribute is his age. He's 34, so we won't have to put up with him for long." Good luck with this - it looks like you'll need it...
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 19:18:28 GMT
July 2000 San Miguel vs Ben Hurerr... crap? Maybe. I think. We run out in our caffienated beverage-associated formation and see some really bizarre 5-4-1 variation formation, with three central defenders, then two wingbacks and two DMs, one with an arrow, a midfielder, an AM and a forward. So that well known 3-4-1-1-1 formation. It was one of the well known flavours of CM match too. We dominated the first half but couldn't turn possession into chances, manufacturing our first shot on goal just before halftime which was tipped wide, then Under My Kaiser's Helmet blazed a header over the bar from the corner. In the second half Ben Hur were on their chariots first, switching to a 3-4-1-2, with the 2 arrowing to the outside and that caused us problems, with our goalie beaten in the 65th minute, only for the goal to be scratched off for offside. As the minutes ticked by and players shuffled in and out it seemed we'd be drawing against non-league opponents, but no one told reservist Cult of Pasta who was thrown on for his 16 aggression and 15 strength and used both to bull through the defence and smash in a shot from the edge of the box. A minute later he could have had another, if not for a cracking save from Ben Hur's keeper. A win, but an inauspicious start against non-league opposition. The second and third games show where the real problem with the team is as we run out 0-0 draws against Brown and General Paz. Brown have the better of the first game, but are repeatedly denied by Apples for Whisky in goal, while our attack barely troubles the Brown keeper at all. In the Paz game it takes until the 53rd minute for either team to muster a shot as Charity Moped comes off the bench to have the game's only two efforts on goal, both of which miss the target. ========================================= San Miguel 1-0 Ben Hur San Miguel 0-0 Brown San Miguel 0-0 General Paz Juniors ========================================= It's not exactly thrilling yet and won't be until our attack sorts itself out. We look desperately short of talent at the sharp end and there's not a sniff of anyone on the market and our delightful scouts keep returning from days out to tell me about players on Premier League teams who wouldn't come to us if we offered them all the "sliced cocaine" they could snort off Miss Colombia's enormous culo.
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Post by Boony on Sept 16, 2008 19:32:48 GMT
At least your defence is holding firm.
As it should, with 7 players back there...
Boring poof! :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 19:37:39 GMT
I'm not playing 7 players back there, the AI is. I'm playing my three variations on Coffee.
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Post by Boony on Sept 16, 2008 19:41:10 GMT
Oh yeah. I think my brain's melting :cab:
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Post by DC on Sept 16, 2008 20:39:20 GMT
I haven't read the rest of the topic, can someone summarise it in a string of smilies for me so I know whether to bother yet.
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Post by floplexter on Sept 16, 2008 20:56:36 GMT
Green and white. Green and fucking white. Yous really are yanking my chain.
KUTTTMBSYBGW! (This Takes Me Back Several Years)
:thumb: :pops:
Taxi for Tags!
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Post by DC on Sept 16, 2008 21:18:01 GMT
Careful casting your mind back pops, you might slip a disc.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 21:20:36 GMT
If it's any consolation, Arsenal just bought van Bratwurst from Rangers for 17.5 million pesos. That's probably about 10p, mind.
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Post by Sonic on Sept 16, 2008 22:22:10 GMT
Nice start Stu. It seems that Neville has done something to you recently to include his name a few times in the player descriptions. The friendly results look auspicious too KUTMRW Memory Recovering :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 22:35:30 GMT
In the Chita thread one of the stories from the Chita News was a religious holiday for the God of Fullbacks, Nevillish.
I'm harkening back. Come and watch me harken.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 16, 2008 23:23:23 GMT
August 2000 That clanging sound you hear is the Argentinean transfer window closing. The scraping noise is me moving my desk so that I've room to hang myself as, amusingly, the window closure suspends all of our attempts to bring in kids on free deals. You can't even sign people who are out of work, it seems. So we're left with the collection of dimwits who did such a bangup job in the pre-season. The players who marked themselves out as something more than a waste of a shirt are : Apples for WhiskyThe Goalie kept three clean sheets and went 7-8-7. Missing You MoreAll bluster and not much finesse, but I guess that works down here. 7-7-8. Mining for MonstersCame out of the reserves when Pictures of Alesha disappointed in the first game. 7-7. Yes. That's the end of the list. :moop: -------------------------------------------------------------------- San Miguel vs Porvenir We're two games without a goal, but haven't allowed one yet, so the smart money here is on a draw when the visitors come out in a 5-4-1 formation. We do look lively early on though, as Hold it, Shake it skips past a few challenges, only to blaze a shot clean over the bar.
Then; breakthrough. Ugly Friend gets a shot away which is tipped around the post for a corner and when the ball is sent in Judge Pickles is there to tap in his own rebound after his powerful header is parried by the keeper.
The game gets a bit lively thereafter, as Mining for Monsters and LAZORZ! both find their way into the referee's notebook, as Porvenir add a bit of pressure. But then against the run of play comes our second, as Charity Moped steals the ball, rounds a defender and rifles a shot in from 18 yards for 2-0.
Porvenir look for an immediate reply and storm forward, forcing Apples for Whisky into a great fingertip save. But when the corner comes in Silvio Rudman is left with an easy chance that is stopped only when Misery Bun grapples him to the ground.
With Bun still walking off Porvenir's Captain Sergio Dopazo steps up to make it 2-1... except that Apples is there again to turn the spot kick aside!
In the second half, Dopazo's day gets worse. He had been beaten in the air for our first goal, then missed a penalty and on 50 minutes he tears his groin and will miss two months. Porvenir change formation with Dopazo off and look a lot more threatening and it's no surprise when Rudman scores on 68 minutes to close the lead to one.
With 18 minutes to play I throw on a couple of subs myself and go a lot more defensive and somehow, we hold on with ten men!
San Miguel 2-1 Porvenir Judge Pickles, Charity Moped
I warn Misery Bun for his sending off and he accepts that he's been a bad boy. Ultimate Ribena falls over in training and will be gone for the rest of the month with a falling over injury. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Neuva Chicago vs San Miguel
[/center] New Chicago are one of the better off teams in the division and show it with the team they put out, featuring the likes of Christian Gomez, who's valued higher than all of my players combined. The first half is just one-way traffic, as Chicago are on the rampage, pinning us inside our penalty area for almost the whole 45 minutes. At the break the commentator says it's "easy" for the home side so far who won't be "breaking too much sweat." Despite this, the game is still tied and scoreless. It doesn't stay that way long though, as the aforementioned Mr Gomez scores with a belting diving header to make it 1-0. With our defensive outlook now worthless, we start to push forward, but we're being repeatedly caught on the break. We survive thanks to some more fine work from Apples for Whisky, and then on 76 minutes Apples' fine play is rewarded, as substitutes Cult of Pasta and Dirty Martini combine, with Pasta laying the ball off to Eighth Wonder who strolls around the keeper to tap in. 14 minutes to go. 14 minutes to hold on. We can do it. We must do it. Fucksocks. In the 89th minute a perfect line comes up in the comentary; "Jesus crosses to Christian" and Gomez is onto the ball with another header, but while Jesus doesn't save, Apples certainly does. Sadly though, he can only watch from the floor as the ball breaks to Gomez's namesake Oscar who cracks the ball into the empty net. We're outshot 14/7 to 3/2, but at least have shown fighting spirit in our two games. Neuva Chicago 2-1 San MiguelEighth Wonder[/blockquote] After the game, Eighth Wonder declares that he's "UNH" and wants to move to a bigger club. The month ends with us firmly in midtable, for whatever that means after two games. Judge Pickles is our best performer so far, with a 7.50 from the two games.
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Post by DC on Sept 16, 2008 23:50:49 GMT
Will that actually be a Bigger™ club, or a tactical decision to move to a stout piece of lump of wood with a nail in it?
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Post by Sonic on Sept 17, 2008 2:32:59 GMT
It's ironic that Eight Wonder was our scorer considering Jesus passed to Christian on the other side.
That's a fair start, though the transfer window looks like it's a bit all over the place. Can you still loan in any plebs/tourists for extra support? We're running a health care centre, not just a football club, aren't we?
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Post by Boony on Sept 17, 2008 6:50:10 GMT
The one time I played in Argentina was the one time I used the loan system extensively...
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Post by Moo on Sept 17, 2008 7:21:28 GMT
Nice start, s1ut. I'm pleased to see that you're enjoying the pain and torment that is associated with South America.
KUTGW! :thumb:
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 17, 2008 15:21:51 GMT
I'm trying to use the loan system, but no one will come and sign for me. As a result, I've pounced on anyone who's out of a job and have about 600 players lined up to join the team on December 11.
It'll be an early christmas.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 17, 2008 15:23:16 GMT
Will that actually be a Bigger™ club, or a tactical decision to move to a stout piece of lump of wood with a nail in it? I hadn't considered the chair leg with a nail through it type of club. I'm obviously losing my touch. He's still UNH though. And has a 220,000 peso non-promotion release fee, so I might be forced to sell him now, rather than lose him when we don't go up. Not that I'll care any more at that point, as it won't be my go anymore...
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