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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 18, 2006 9:03:05 GMT
I think that's what the Texans asked the Colts last night. Peyton! Stop using the n00b sliders!
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Post by elth on Sept 18, 2006 9:08:59 GMT
Kellen Clemens isn't exactly Audible Manning though, is he?
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 18, 2006 9:26:28 GMT
I'm sure he could be though, if the Jets just gave him a chance. And put Horn in charge. And played on Rookie level.
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Post by Moo on Sept 18, 2006 9:46:50 GMT
With the sliders waaaaaayyyyyy down.
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Post by coffers on Sept 18, 2006 12:22:37 GMT
It's all screwing up his draft position, you know that don't you?
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Post by hornet on Sept 18, 2006 17:17:42 GMT
It does help a bit when the opposition give you a 17-point lead in the first five minutes. And then proceed to throw six interceptions. I've been adjusting the sliders to make things tougher and tougher on me as the season's gone on. On the other hand, I'm slowly learning to play this version of Madden, so it all evens out in the end.
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Post by hornet on Sept 18, 2006 17:22:27 GMT
And funnily enough, I was thinking how Madden the Colts game was last night - leaving your starting offence in for every single snap of game, piling on the score even after you've got the opposition hammered, making sure your rookie HB gets a touchdown to help along his progression... it reminded me of the Green Bay game in my first Arizona season where Brett Favre stayed in the whole game despite the Packers having put 60+ points on us.
Surely it's got to be bad karma, doesn't it? I was really, really hoping that Pointing Manning would trip over an imaginary deceased tortoise in the backfield and break something vital while he was going for his 75th touchdown.
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Post by DC on Sept 18, 2006 18:50:37 GMT
Don't be silly Horn, trying to jinx Manning before you play Fuzzy.
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Post by hornet on Sept 23, 2006 12:24:52 GMT
Week 13 - New York Jets (6-5) @ Green Bay Packers (6-5)
Green Bay are led by some bloke. Y'know. Thingy. Peter King's best mate. His main targets in the passing game are Donald Driver, who's a great all-round receiver, and Robert Ferguson, who's a great all-round receiver if you don't count catching the ball as an important part of the wideout's role.
Of course, having said that the git'll put a hundred and fifty yards on us, just like every other useless WR2 in the league. Sigh.
Behind Favre in the backfield is elite tailback Ahman Green. Yeah, I know. Uh, Madden? 2003 called. Yeah, they'd like their player attributes back, okay? The offensive line is strong at both tackle positions, but not so hot up the gut.
The defensive front seven is good and quick, particularly at right end (KGB) and middle linebacker (rookie AJ Hawk. Wasn't he a character in Streetfighter II?). The secondary is good but not that quick, Charles Woodson the latest benificiary of Madden's tendancy to stick its fingers in its ears and sing "la la la la" really loudly when faced with the suggestion that a first-round pick might possibly be a bust.
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Both passing attacks struggle in the early going, the main highlight being a Ben "Chuck Another Tinnie On The Barbie" Graham punt that takes a lucky hop and ends up going 80 yards (!!!!) for a touchback. Then, from out of nowhere - some offence! First Brett Favre wakes up with four consecutive completions, three of them to Donald Driver mean the Packers are threatening. That's snuffed out by a Janet Ellis sack on third down, but Billy Cundiff successfully hits a 51-yarder. With our deep passing game not firing we go back to the short stuff and grind out 84 yards in 15 plays, the capper coming when rookie fullback JD Runnels comes out of the backfield to grab his third touchdown of the season. NYJ 7-3 GB
There's just enough time left in the half for our Achilles heel to rear its ugly head and bite us in the balls. Yes, it's a heel with a head. Genetic engineering, eh? Anyway, a slightly unwise audible called too late somehow ends up with outside linebacker Eric Barton covering Robert Ferguson. Or to be more accurate, ends up with Barton not covering Ferguson. 65 yards, halftime. NYJ 7-10 GB
Kellen Clemens is knocked out of the third quarter with a shoulder bruise on our first offensive play, but against all expectations Patrick Ramsey comes in and leads a perfectly competent drive that lasts 15 plays and moves the ball 64 yards, where the Nuge's fifteenth field goal of the year ties us up at 10. Favre - who I've yet to forgive for that debacle in my first year in Arizona where the git took every single snap of a 64-point drubbing - has been pretty good so far, and his form continues leading his team 51 yards to our 29. For the second time today a timely sack - this time by Eric Barton - forces Green Bay to a field goal attempt, this one from 46 yards which Billy Cundiff... hooks wide right. Yes! NYJ 10-10 GB
Never mind, though, because even though they've got Brett Favre doing what he does best, we've got Paddy Ramsey doing what HE does best... oh, hang on. 3rd and 10, under pressure Ramsey puts a wild pass up in the general direction of J-Mac, and, yep, that'll be another sodding interception. The Packers get the ball at our 35 and quickly get to a first and goal, but not for the first time our defence steps up - three consecutive tackles from Jonathon Vilma on Ahman Green mean they have to settle for the short figgie. Even so, with just three minutes left in the game we're three points down. NYJ 10-13 GB
Okay. Here we go. Starting at our 28. Thank God Kellen Clemens is back on the field. Justin McCareins gets us off to a nice start, catching a 12-yard hook, but the next pass bounces off Curtis Martin's hands and it needs a nice scramble from Clemens to keep the drive going. A pinpoint pass to Laveranues Coles on a medium out gives us 17 more yards and first down at the Packer 30. 2:20 left in the game, three timeouts in our back pocket, already into longish field goal range. Game ON!
Two Martin runs up the middle and a third from JD Runnels and it's first down at the 18. Let's not get too clever. We've got loads of time and as long as the ground game is working, there's no sense in risking anything else, particularly when you've got a back as sure-handed as Curtis Martin on-staff.
Yep, good old reliable C-Mart.
Hands up everyone who can see what's coming, here.
Up the middle he goes, out pops the ball, Packers recover and run out the last 1:15 for the win. We've now lost our last three games by 7 points total.
Good God almighty.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 23, 2006 19:46:43 GMT
Unfortunate.
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Post by elth on Sept 24, 2006 5:06:47 GMT
Behind Favre in the backfield is elite tailback Ahman Green. Yeah, I know. Uh, Madden? 2003 called. Yeah, they'd like their player attributes back, okay? Says the man riding Curtis "Officially Got One Leg" Martin all day. Look at it this way, Gorn - you're stacking up good karma in the close losses for a rampaging season next year. Maybe.
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Post by DC on Sept 24, 2006 11:58:03 GMT
Harsh on Ahman.
However pretty much all runningbacks are overrated on Madden. But it's the only way to get them to run past the overrated Linebackers, and corners, and safeties and DT's who are faster than a speeding bullet.
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Post by elth on Sept 24, 2006 12:54:54 GMT
Is there anyone in Madden who isn't overrated, DC?
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Post by DC on Sept 24, 2006 13:28:57 GMT
Peyton Manning.
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Post by hornet on Sept 24, 2006 17:18:42 GMT
Week 14 - Buffalo Bills (4-8) @ New York Jets (6-6)
Ah, the Bills. They're good for what ails ya.
Willis McGahee, who was missing for our first game this year, is back in the fray. With receiver Lee Evans questionable though, the Bills have lost their best deep threat. Not that we've ever let that stop us giving up big plays in the passing game.
On defence, Buffalo have been weakened up the middle by the absence of linebacker Takeo Spikes and defensive tackle Larry Triplett, so we should be able to run early and often.
I hope.
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We take advantage of Buffalo's injuries up the middle by coming out with five runs, then going to the play-action and hitting Joel Dreessen on a slooooooooooooow square-out. The backup tight end breaks a tackle and rumbles for 23 yards, first down at the Bill 15. Three more runs get us close, then Martin wheels out of the backfield and makes the touchdown catch with no defender within five yards of him. BUF 0-7 NYJ
Buffalo's first offensive series of the game ends after three plays with the Vilmachine's 18th sack of the year, and you'd think teams would stop going to five-wide sets against us, wouldn't you? Having no blockers in the backfield to account for Vilma coming from out wide is basically hanging a sign around your quarterback's neck saying "Please Escort Me To The Injured Reserve List". Meanwhile, our offence is purring - Buffalo's corners are too quick to make it worth our while trying to threaten them deep, so we're just taking the underneath stuff that seems constantly on offer. With Curtis Martin on the sidelines with a bruised sternum, Cedric Houston comes in at halfback and carves up the front seven to the tune of a reliable 4 yards a carry. We face just 2 third downs on the drive, and Kellen Clemens converts both - a 10 yard scramble on a 3rd and 5, and a 9-yard completion to Dante Ridgeway to turn 3rd and 7 into 1st and goal. A strained knee forces Clemens temporarily out of the game, but Patrick "Russian Roulette" Ramsey comes off the pine to chuck a 6 yard score to Laveranues Coles. Yes, I'm as surprised as you are. BUF 0-14 NYJ
The teams exchange 3-and-outs, costing us a player each time. No-Mark Barrett drags slot receiver Roscoe Parrish down short of the sticks to force a Buffalo punt, but bruises his elbow in the process and is done for the day. Three plays later, it's Doug Jolley on his way to the locker-room with a strained knee. We're going through H-back / tight end types at a fairly alarming clip, here.
It goes from bad to worse on the Bills' next possession, when Roscoe "P. Coltrane" Parrish steps out of a tackle and makes 30 yards before pretty much my entire defence catch up with him. It's Buffalo's first first down of the game, and flushed with success JP Losman goes to the play-pass, floats the ball out over the crowded middle of the field looking for Parrish on the in and finds - guess who? Yep, Jonathon Vilma's sixth interception of the year, a pretty impressive total for a guy who seems to spend half the game in the opposition's backfield. First down at our 31. Kellen Clemens starts the series with his first incomplete pass of the game, then goes 5/5 for 45 yards. Cedric Houston gets the rest, including a 1-yard touchdown plunge. There's just enough time left in the half for Terrence McGee to take the shine off the score with a 95-yard touchdown kickoff return, but even with that it looks like we've got this one under control. BUF 7-21 NYJ
We've held onto the ball for more than three quarters of the first half, which is always nice. And just for a change, it's not been because the other team have been scoring on the first play of each possession, which is always nicer. Another three and out for Buffalo starts the second half, Willis McGahee tripping over Dewayne Robertson at the line of scrimmage on 3rd and 1. The punt's a good 'un, and our drive starts at our 10. Kellen Clemens goes looking for Justin McCareins on the hook, but the corner gets in front to knock the ball down, and linebacker Angelo Crowell stoops and scoops it up inches off the ground. Gah. Buffalo start at our 15, and McGahee gets them down to the five, but luckily JP Losman's still under centre. Not content with giving up a sack to Eric Barton on second and inches, he then goes looking for Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane on the slant but instead sees Andre Dyson nip in front of the receiver for our second interception of the day. Phew.
We immediately get out of the shadow of our goalposts with a 29 yard completion to Nat King Coles posting over the middle, and 4 rushes from Cedric Houston bring us into Buffalo territory. A nice 15-yard scramble by Clemens on 3rd and 2 keeps us rolling but we can't quite turn the long drive into seven points and instead net a chipshot fieldgoal from the Nuge that almost, but not quite, puts this game to bed with eight minutes to go. BUF 7-24 NYJ
The difference between "almost" and "completely" is roughly the difference between making a sack and having Losman let go a wobbly duck as he's hit that flutters pathetically up in the air, drifting just over Andre Dyson's hands and being caught by bloody Roscoe "The Curse Of The Second Receiver" Parrish. It's also roughly the difference between Parrish being tackled for a five-yard gain and his shrugging off three tackles and running a very slow 80 yards for the touchdown. Just for anyone who might be unclear. BUF 14-24 NYJ
Surely we can't find a way to lose this game, can we? Uh... no, looks like we can't. Next play, J-Mac gets under corner Eric King on the slant, King's attempted tackle misses by three whole yards and McCareins is gone, just outrunning the safety cover 65 yards to the endzone to really, properly ice this.
Kellen Clemens has had an outstanding day - 18 of 24, for 275 yards and two touchdowns, plus 47 more yards on the ground. Backup halfback Cedric Houston managed 100 yards in 24 carries, but will miss the next couple of weeks with back spasms. On defence, the middle linebacker pairing of Vilma and Barton had two sacks apiece, with Barton throwing in three tackles for a loss as a bonus.
Yay! We're back over .500! BUF 14-31 NYJ
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Post by hornet on Sept 24, 2006 17:19:38 GMT
Week 15 - New York Jets (7-6) @ Minnesota Vikings (4-9)
Despite that three-game losing streak, we're somehow still in with a shout of a wildcard. New England are only one win ahead of us at 8-5, but having beaten us twice they own the tiebreaker and would have to have a major collapse down the stretch to hand us the division title. The first wildcard spot will be taken by whoever loses out in the race between San Diego (10-3-1) and Denver (10-4), but our 7-3 record in the conference gives us an edge over the Steelers (7-6, 5-5 vs. AFC) for the second. There are a whole mess of teams just a game back, though, including the Colts, Titans, Dolphins, Chiefs and Ravens, though, so any slip-up is likely to see us out of contention.
Here's how our season has broken down thus far:
0-2 against teams coached by New England Coach (mainly New England, it has to be said). 0-3 against the NFC North. 7-1 bar those.
Yes, the NFC North has been our daddy all year, and here comes their last chance to give us a hiding. On top of that, of course, is the fact that we traded Chad Pennington and our 4th round draft pick to the Vikings in the off-season for their 2nd and 3rd round picks. Pennington has backed up Brad Johnson all year, and has put up a grand total of five - count 'em! - passing yards, while Minnesota are currently riding an eight-game losing streak and have the second-worst record in the entire NFL.
The Dan "Draft Picks Are For Losers" Snyder school of roster management, there.
Brad Johnson is the quintessential game manager quarterback, with a tremendously accurate but not overly strong arm. His main targets are the Robinson Twins - Koren and Marcus - and Mister Speedy Troy Williamson out of the slot. The tight ends, Jermain Wiggins and Jim "This Is Not The Greatest Tight End In The World, This Is Just A Tribute" Kleinsasser are slow but both have decent hands for short, move-the-chains-type completions. Along the offensive line, right guard is the only iffy spot with Artis Hicks out for the year with a serious concussion.
Minnesota's defensive line is excellent and very quick with youngsters Kenechi Udeze and Erasmus James at end while big fat-lads Pat and Kevin Williams clog up the middle. The linebacker corps is servicable at best, though, and is probably the weakest unit on defence given that Antoine Winfield, Fred Smoot, Darren Sharper and Tank Williams form arguably the best starting secondary in the NFL.
What is it with all the Williamses?
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We lose the toss, and Minnesota kick away to us. Curtis Martin is slow to get started this afternoon, but we're able to convert successive third downs with catches by Doug Jolley, the second a play-pass rollout that gains 18 yards and gives us a first down just inside the 20. Two stuffed runs and an incompletion, though, and Mike Nugent comes in to hit a 35-yarder. NYJ 3-0 MIN
Brad Johnson finds Marcus Robinson for ten yards on 3rd and 9. God, that viking-horn noise is bloody annoying. Three plays later, 3rd and 8 and they go to the play-action, finding Koren Robinson out to the 48. Three plays after THAT, 3rd and 10, Johnson finds Mewelde Moore out of the backfield down to our 36. Chester Taylor takes a toss and crashes into the redzone - hang on, shouldn't you be waiting until third down? Two more outside runs, and the Vikings have 2nd and goal at our 1, where boy-oh-boy do we ever bite on the play-fake and Jermaine Wiggins catches the TD at the back of the endzone. Erk. NJY 3-7 MIN
On 2nd and long, fullback JD Runnels wheels out of the backfield and is ignored as he strolls down the sideline. There's no defender within 10 yards, but Kellen Clemens gets a wee bit overexcited and slings up the pass without setting his feet, making the catch much more awkward and leading to a drop by the rookie. Those are exactly the sort of plays we're going to have to make if we're going to win against this very, very good defence. Sigh. We're forced to punt, but fortunately so're the Vikings when successive passes are knocked down by Dewayne Robertson and Andre Dyson. Their punt is great though, out of bounds at our 4.
Doug Jolley gets us out of immediate danger, making a catch on the hook to get us out to the 15. Successive completions to Laveranues Coles follow, and the two minute warning sees us with 1st down at our 40. Runnels gets free down the left sideline for the second time today and this time Clemens makes no mistake, first down at the 38. Jerricho Cotchery then rookie Brad Smith give us goal-to-go, but on third down Old King Coles has to come out of the endzone to make his catch, and the Nuge has to go in and nail the chipshot. Hands up everyone who thinks those missing four points might cost us by the end of this? Halftime. NYJ 6-7 MIN
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There's a bit of a numerical theme after the restart, with three three-and-outs to start the third quarter. It's almost four, but somebody finally makes a catch - Derrick Blaylock in this case, who's ignored by the Vikings in their keenness to get to the quarterback allowing Clemens to stand tall in the face of a ferocious rush and find his halfback for thirteen yards. We stall at the Viking 35, and Mike Nugent comes in to try his longest field goal of the year so far from 52 yards. The kick's high, handsome and straight down the pipe for the Nuge's third figgie of the day and our first lead since midway through the first quarter. NYJ 9-7 MIN
The plan on defence this game really should be to just keep Minnesota out of third-and-long situations. 3rd and 10, under pressure Johnson slings it out toward Robinson (K), No-Mark - slightly ring-rusty due to being back in the team for the first time in a month - becomes roughly the ninetieth Jet to JUST miss an interception and Robinson squirms away for a 23-yard gain before Andre Dyson can get over and knock him down. Then they go back the other way, two catches by Robinson (M) give Minnesota a first down inside field goal range, but put Brad Johnson temporarily out of the game. And here comes the Chad! He starts off with a jump-ball over the middle for Jim Kleinsasser in which our entire starting secondary become the ninety-first through ninety-fourth Jets to almost get a pick today. The second pass is a bit better, to KoRo to our 20, but the third one is nearly seven the other way, the ball bouncing off Derrick Strait's hands with no-one between him and the other endzone. Grrr. The Chad shows he's learned his lesson by putting ANOTHER jump-ball up over the middle with three defenders in attendance. Wouldn't you know it, though, this time Kleinsasser comes down with the ball and they've first and goal at our 2. Chester Taylor does the honours, and then head-scratchingly does it again for the 2-pointer. Yeah, that'll show us. Being six points up instead of five will, uh... um... nope, I've got nothing. Just under seven minutes to go in the game. NYJ 9-15 MIN
The kickoff goes back to Derrick Blaylock at our five, who bursts up the middle, angles outside and is only run down at the Viking 39. I can't help but think that if the injured Justin Miller were returning that, it would have been a touchdown. Still, gift horses, mouths etc. Roughly our first 2 successful runs of the game give us first down at the 29, then Justin McCareins catches a pass dropping over his outside shoulder for 16 more. Play-action, J-Mac angles in on a slant pattern and Clemens fires between two defenders for a 16 yard score. Stick THAT up your 2-point conversion! Five minutes to play. NYJ 16-15 MIN
Brad Johnson's back in, but two plays into the drive the Vikings are longing for the golden days of the Chad's rock-steady ball-protection skills. He's forced to launch a pass toward the streaking Robinson (K) a fraction earlier than he'd like due to the imminent arrival of a heat-seeking missile wearing number 51. The ball hangs up just a fraction, but just a fraction is all No-Mark Barrett needs and it's the interception we've been threatening all bloody day. Welcome back son, I never doubted you.
It's just a temporary reprieve. Two stuffed runs and a sack later, and we're punting from our 35, 2:30 left on the clock. The two minute warning sees Minnesota at the 40-yard line but facing a 2nd and 15 after a pitch outside to Chester Taylor saw him tripping over Andre Dyson in the backfield. Johnson looks for Robinson (M) over the middle on the slant, but somehow doesn't seem to see Dyson lurking underneath for our second pick in as many posessions.
Nothing fancy, we're just going to grind the clock. Two Martin runs for no gain draw two Viking timeouts, and Doug Jolley drops an easy catch over the middle to force another punt. Our "clock-killing" drive has taken all of 15 seconds, and to make matters worse Ben "Chateau Nuit Sans Woggawogga" Graham decides that this would be the opportune moment for one of his rare almighty shanks - the ball sails out of bounds all of 12 yards downfield, and Minnesota have 1st down at our 37, 1:40 to play. We've all three timeouts left, they've just one. Are we TRYING to screw this up?
Johnson's first pass is incomplete, the quarterback just getting the ball away before Jonathon Vilma breaks him in half. The second one similarly thuds to the ground, No-Mark stripping the ball from Robinson (K)'s hands. No! No, you fools, don't let them have a third and long! Yep, as night follows day, 3rd and 10 is followed by Robinson (M) going up over Andre Dyson for 1st down at our 21. Inside the redzone, though, the defence steps up as it has so often this year - the ball bounces off Dyson's hands on first down, Taylor's stuffed on second and Janet Ellis gets to the quarterback on third. Even so, though, Ryan Longwell only faces a 35-yard kick to give the Vikings the lead in the dying second, and it's no surprise when the git makes it. We're not quite dead yet, but we'll have just 40 seconds to get into field-goal range with two timeouts available. Man, could we ever have used an extra four points around about this point... NYJ 16-18 MIN
Minnesota opt for a squib kick, which our upbacks react to like they've never seen one before. While they're standing around staring stupidly at the ball Derrick Blaylock comes racing in, scoops it up off the deck and surges between two potential tacklers. He's run down 30 yards later, but for the second successive kickoff we'll start from Viking territory. Minnesota really do put the "special" into special teams.
One play puts us on the edge of field goal territory, Coles making the grab at the Viking 36, then Clemens flicks the ball to JD Runnels out of the backfield, sees the fullback stiffarm a potential tackler and have the presence of mind to rumble out of bounds at the 23. 22 seconds left. He gets the ball again on the next snap, a sneaky handoff up the middle picking up five yards, and we stop the clock.
Eighteen seconds to go, one timeout left. The kick's about 35 yards at the mo - not too bad, but not a gimme either. I reckon one play for the endzone, being ready to launch it out of bounds if the coverage is too good or if there's any hint of pressure. Who's with me? Well shut up, I'm the boss, so just get out there and bloody do it if you know what's good for you.
You just can't get the staff these days.
It's our ever-popular three-wide formation that puts our five best receivers - Coles, J-Mac, Cotchery, Jolley and Martin - on the field at the same time. Minnesota answer with their base 3-4 defence. Coles sets up in the slot, outside linebacker Chad Greenway shuffling across to cover him. Hmm. Who can spot the deliberate mistake, here? Coles blows by the jam and slants hard across the field, shooting behind the safety and heading for the open field with Greenway doing his best to try and stay with him. Kellen Clemens sees defensive tackle Kevin Williams fighting through the block of Brandon Moore, and rolls out of the pocket to buy a little extra time. The safety releases Coles and suddenly he's got half a step and is heading for the left front corner of the endzone. Clemens just has time to set his feet and get the ball away before Williams clobbers him, and the pass is inch-perfect - Greenway goes for the swat and just misses, Coles makes the catch at the 6 and turns upfield to stroll untouched into the endzone. Wowser.
All those of you who put your hands up at halftime - HAH! NYJ 23-18 MIN
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Post by Moo on Sept 25, 2006 8:54:14 GMT
pwned!
Yes, I raised my hand. I'm such a mongwomble.
Anyhoo, nice work there on the latest installments. A damned fine read, even if you are over-acheiving a tad.
Tad being Japanese for eight wins. :thumb:
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Post by coffers on Sept 25, 2006 9:05:23 GMT
OAP! :thumb:
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Post by hornet on Sept 26, 2006 22:28:31 GMT
Week 16 - New York Jets (8-6) @ Miami Dolphins (7-7)
Another tough game with big playoff implications. A win today, and our destiny's in our own hands - our superior in-conference record compared with the Stillers will mean that beating the Raiders (this year, a task only slightly more difficult than putting on a hat) will give us the second Wild Card. A loss puts us behind the 8-ball - we'll not only need Pittsburgh to lose their last game, but the Phish will have to lose too since their record against the AFC East is better than ours (we'd be 3-3, they'd be 4-2).
Confused? You will be.
It's not out of the question we could lose this and still reach the post-season since both our rivals have tough final games - Pittsburgh at the 11-4 Bengals, while Miami travel to play the Peytonator and his muddy band of funsters. On the whole it'd be a good idea to get ourselves in the driving seat now, though, so it's a bit of a pity that Daunte Culpepper is back from that broken jaw visited on him by Johnathon Vilma earlier in the year. Other than that, it's a similar story to our last game - the offence is great everywhere but in the trenches, the defence consists of a great line, Zach Thomas, Will Allen and six bucketheads.
Easy.
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It's Monday night in Miami and... er. Have you not paid the electricity bill or something? It's all a bit dark and gloomy, but that's possibly a cunning plan to stop the crowd getting a decent look at the Phins' fugging uckly all-aqua uniforms.
With that said, they ARE a step up from the all-orange unis of a couple of years back. In the same way as getting your fingers caught in a doorjamb is a step up from getting your testicles trapped in a toaster.
In the early going, we see an awful lot of Ronnie Brown. Possibly because he's being hugely effective, possibly because the last time the Miami quarterback attempted to pass on us he was sucking his dinner through a straw for two months afterward. Or possibly because the Miami braintrust knew that his first three passes would go batted at the line, incomplete, three yards on third-and-10.
That's the kind of searing insight to the game you get when you learn at the feet of Patriots Coach, oh yes indeedy.
Anyway. Olindo Mare hits a 50-yard field goal and Miami are ahead. They go further ahead swiftly afterwards, when Laveranues Coles has posession of the ball just long enough to turn the play from an incomplete pass to a fumble. The spellchecker-hammering goon. Three plays later, and here comes The Curse Of The Second Receiver. Andre Dyson misses first the ball then the tackle to allow Marty Booker to get away for a 41-yard score. NYJ 0-10 MIA
Well, yeah, we had to give them a start to keep this interesting. On first down at our 48 we go to three-wide and the defence carefully watches Old King Coles as he runs a square-out from the slot... to the extent that they somehow completely miss Justin McCareins running deep. A safety sheepishly shuffles over to tackle the big lad at the 12, but that just puts the inevitable off for one play - Kellen Clemens, a man in desperate need of a nickname, answers on a postcard to the usual address, finds his favourite red-zone target JD Runnels for the touchdown. NYJ 7-10 MIA
3rd and inches and, yep, it's Marty Booker again for 20 yards, first down at our 39. Three plays later, there's a touch of the Chicago Bears as Nick Saban makes the decision to punt from our 37-yard line, the big chicken. Two more punts quickly follow, and then it's the March Of The Unlikely Receivers, Jerricho Cotchery catching a deep-out to put us at our 44, rookie Brad Smith running the same route the other way and taking us into field-goal range and resident immovable object Joel Dreessen bringing us into the red zone. I then make the considered tactical decision to put our fate in more seasoned, more proven, more reliable hands and give the ball to Curtis Martin, who drops it.
Thanks, man.
Miami recover the fumble, and the first half ends with Daunte Culpepper going for Booker deep down the seam but getting himself picked off by Andre Dyson - the one and only fella who's played for me in all three of my franchise stories, very-specialised-trivia fans! So far, so mundane. NYJ 7-10 MIA
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For the second week in succession, the second half begins with three punts - our service to fans who're late back to their seats after the break. The first sign of life comes when Chris Chambers beats No-Mark deep followed up by an 11-yard gain by Ronnie Brown that gives Miami a first down at our 17. But the less territory there is at their backs the tougher our defence play and we hold the Phish to just a shortish Mare trey, and with 2:16 left in the third quarter we're still just a score behind. NYJ 7-13 MIA
After a sack on second down, 13 yards to Jerricho Cotchery leave us with a 4th and 2 at our own 44. Deciding that faint heart never won fair ballgame we elect to go for it and line up in the goal-line formation. The Miami defence crowd the line and bite like good 'uns as Kellen Clemens fakes the handoff up the middle to C-Mart. The quarterback tucks the ball away and sprints out left, JD Runnels pounding ahead of him and just cornerback Will Allen standing in the way of a first down. Allen comes up to try and make the tackle and Clemens flips the ball over his head to Runnels, who's more completely alone than the founder of the Jar-Jar Binks Appreciation Society. The rookie takes off upfield and pauses only to step out of an attempted tackle by safety Travis Daniels before thundering 54 yards for the score that gives us our first lead of the game. Hoo-ah! NYJ 14-13 MIA
This, as you can imagine, causes the game to leap into semi-consciousness. The teams exchange punts, the difference being that they've got Donnie "Who He?" Jones kicking it away, while we've got Ben "Now This Year, I Don't Want To Catch Anybody Not Drinking" Graham. The big fella launches his trademark flat, angled punt that takes a couple of lucky hops and bounds out of bounds 61 yards down the field at the Miami 7. 6:09 left to play. A sack by Justin Miller - playing in the nickle for the day - puts Miami into a 2nd and long that they don't have the wherewithal to get out of, but our lamentable running game means we just can't convert third downs on a consistant basis, and end up punting it right back. Argle. Luckily, it's Daunte Culpepper to the rescue! Nominally aiming for Marty Booker on the post, he actually ends up throwing the ball straight to Andre Dyson for a second time and while we still can't convert a bloody third down, we're close enough for the Nuge to hit a figgie and with 1:35 left nothing but a touchdown will do for Miami.. NYJ 17-13 MIA
With Culpepper once again on the sidelines, it's left to Joey Harrington to do the business. A 7-yard Travis Minor run on first down leaves the Phish in second and short, but on the next play Harrington's following Daunte to the bench with a wrist injury. Cleo "Who?" Lemon is the only Miami quarterback left in full control off all his limbs, but he starts in fairly inauspicious fashion - completing a pass to Randy McMichael right at the line of scrimmage that sees the Vilmachine and a few close friends stop the tight end waaaaay short of first-down yardage. 4th and 2, then. Ball at the Dolphin 40. Less than a minute to play. Two teams' playoff hopes on the line. Neck or nothing.
Travis Minor.
Wheel out of the backfield.
Barton can't get across.
Sixty yards.
Touchdown.
Game over.
That'll be neck, then.
Or possibly nothing.
I really don't know.
If you'll excuse me, there's a toaster I urgently need to trap my testicles in.
NYJ 17-20 MIA
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Post by elth on Sept 27, 2006 5:52:31 GMT
Now that is a shit way to lose.
Unlucky, Horn.
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Post by Mr Bismarck's Electric Donkey on Sept 27, 2006 7:20:50 GMT
Alarmingly, I did actually spend the off-season referring to him as Cleo "Who the fuck is Cleo Lemon" Lemon.
He was part of the trade for AJ Feely that went so well. We trade a 2nd round pick to the Eagles for Feely, then trade Feely and a draft pick to the Charger for an undrafted quarterback.
I'm pretty sure Saban misheard Schottenheimer and thought Marty said "give us Feely and we'll send you some lemons" and was then disappointed when Cleo showed up.
Anyway, I lost to the Jets in my franchise, (in a game between Ken Dorsey and Brooks Bollinger no less), so it's only fair you lose to my ugly-uniformed bunch. And toast your knackers.
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Post by coffers on Sept 27, 2006 7:34:55 GMT
What a bostord. You should really question whether that would happen in real life and email the game producers moaning about a lack of reality in the game or something. :humb:
KUTNBFW! :thumb: Nail Biting Finish
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Post by Moo on Sept 27, 2006 8:42:04 GMT
Oh, don't misunderstand the pair of them, Coffers. The ineptitude of the Jets and Phish is very real indeed.
However, I liked the play that put you ahead, Hornet, ye cheeky scamp. Trying to do things the hard way, but at least you'll get to the .500 mark at the very worst. :thumb:
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Post by hornet on Sept 27, 2006 18:28:37 GMT
Alarmingly, I did actually spend the off-season referring to him as Cleo "Who the fuck is Cleo Lemon" Lemon. He was part of the trade for AJ Feely that went so well. We trade a 2nd round pick to the Eagles for Feely, then trade Feely and a draft pick to the Charger for an undrafted quarterback. I'm pretty sure Saban misheard Schottenheimer and thought Marty said "give us Feely and we'll send you some lemons" and was then disappointed when Cleo showed up. Anyway, I lost to the Jets in my franchise, (in a game between Ken Dorsey and Brooks Bollinger no less), so it's only fair you lose to my ugly-uniformed bunch. And toast your knackers. Seriously, those all-aqua things are horrible. It makes them look like they're wearing shellsuits. And Dorsey / Bollinger sounds ace. Like a game of blow-football between two blokes with no lips. And on that note... Week 17 - Oakland Raiders (5-10) @ New York Jets (8-7)Bloody Randy Moss. Bloody Jerry Porter. Bloody LaMont Jordan. Bloody everything. This game was particularly annoying because I started playing it once, got to halftime 20-10 up having intercepted Aaron Brooks 3 times then had the game lock up on me forcing a restart. Naturally, at the second time of asking the 2006 Oakland Raiders appeared to have magically transformed into the 1972 Miami Dolphins. We hung with them bloody well under the circumstances, but couldn't get enough stops on 3rd down and couldn't stop their running game at all. Losing Jonathon Vilma to injury midway through the third quarter more-or-less sealed things. The final insult came when we had one last chance to pull back a three-point defecit with fifteen seconds to play and the ball at our 40. Laveranues Coles got behind the Oakland defence and Kellen Clemens aired out the pass for a 48 yard gain, but with no timeouts left time expired on the game before we could sprint to the new line of scrimmage and get a final snap off. Not that it would have made any difference. We needed to win and hope Miami and Pittsburgh both lost - Miami duly did their part as any reasonable person would have expected, but the Steelers edged past the Bengals in Cincinnati to lock up the last wildcard. Anyway. Sorry for the lack of detail, but I've largely lost my will to live. This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper OAK 23-20 NYJ
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Post by DC on Sept 27, 2006 21:20:02 GMT
KUTGYSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHW :thumb:
"You're shit-aaaaaaaaaah"
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